An Aborted Launch

29 08 2009

pg 91 of my book Living Out Of Darkness.  An Aborted Launch, “My helicopter ride was in an instant storm, and I was in the passenger seat again.”

Yesterday, I was ending a trend of distraction and avoidance and started a proactive git er done mode.  I felt really good going to sleep last night because I chewed on the toenails of some current monsters in my life instead of them chewing on mine. Hmm there is a quote in there somewhere I will have to dig out later.  So I open my book today at random, and I read again about an aborted launch.

When I’ve had a series of low inactive or actively unconscious days, and I finally break the cycle, it is easy for me to instantly launch into a hyper active mode.  Often when I’m sitting and avoiding, I think about all the things I want to get done when I’m motivated again.  This is a classic behavior of mine in seasonal transition times such as now.  And today… up early three cups of Kona, four in depth meaningful conversations, ordered more Kona, sent off a gift for a favor, writing my blog, estatic about the progress I made yesterday, looking forward to continuing, checked my email, send…etc.  Get the pic. It’s not even time for 9 am break yet.


So What?


Yep.  I’ve learned over the years to be patient, and functional with my low times.  I used to judge them and go deeper.  I treat myself as gently as I can, because lows…PASS.  Thank God!

So today, I’m on the other side of the coin.  Go. Go. Go…..  So What.  I’ve methodically taken the time when I was low to plan out sift through sort out all the things happening in my life figure out what the priorities are and allowed my energy/manic gas tank to fill.

The tricky part for me today, will be to keep the “editor” on high alert in my control room for inappropriate comments, and my mellow monitor reminding me to sit and breathe now and then.

With these two concepts in mind I can enjoy this day like a white water river float, on a not too difficult river.

THANK GOD FOR Functional manic energy.



Bipolar Fears In Alaska

25 08 2009

Alaska is my summer playground.  It is a totally bipolar state.  24-hour daylight, places to go things to see, I play to my hearts content.  Blogs?  Internet?  Computer???  Sharing my experience with bipolar???  They all drift from my mind as I explore this great land in my truck/portable cabin, I run like a happy dog sniffing out all the sites, the people, and the stunning landscapes that stop me in my tracks and cause a spiritual eruption.  Yes, Alaska in the summer is often that good.  My biggest challenges with bipolar in the summer here is to get enough sleep.   When I get grumpy I know it’s time to find or make a dark room, and lay my body down for a while.  It’s also easy to wonder why my tummy is growling at 10pm and discover, food?  Hmm.

Now it’s fall.  Huh?  It is only August.  Yep.  Northern Alaska changes fast.  There was frost on my windshield the other day.  Now is a tricky time for bipolar.  This is how I negotiate through this season.  My first step is acknowledging it.  Summer is an easy happy time, and I’m sad to see it go.  So this is where gratitude and looking for the good kicks in.  It is a good time for me to check on my daily routine.  Gently waking, getting on my knees, thanking spirit for this day, tai chi, and a moment to sit.

Today I woke up with huge fears.  OMG I’ve got so much to do I’ve ignored all summer fall is here things are busy AAAAAg.  It’s what I call a train wreck.  So I got out of my bed, and did my routine anyway.  Did it take away all the fear?  Nope.  But after distracting myself for a few hours, and circling back through my daily books, I focused on what was my biggest fear of the moment.  And now I’m writing. YEAH!!!  Victory.  Why?  Because I could easily have curled up in a ball in my bed this morning and initiated a huge downer.

So as the seasons change so rapidly here, I find myself on high alert for subtle changes and triggers in me.  How’s my attitude?  How’s my regular, food, exercise, water intake etc.  Vigilance is important to keep my mind open to gratitude, identifying my fears, and tackling them.  This keeps me moving through these transitional times.  They also set me up for the fall season, which is a blast already.  Because I’ve allowed myself a healthy daily routine for years, I now have many super huge dreams and experiences lined out for a fun fall season.

This is why I am grateful today to be bipolar, and embrace it for what it is.  Today it was a motivator to take care of myself, no matter how dark, negative, and grumpy I wanted to be.

May the smells of this day liven your soul, and the sites of the weather intrigue your spirit.

%d bloggers like this: