huge know, BIGGER YES!

12 01 2015

IMG_5643From time to time in this journey I’ve chosen big knows, sometimes planned sometimes not. Either way, I check in with silence over time to sense the choice, to trust intuition. Was this or that let go a hell yes or no. Sometimes it’s a partial, and years go by before I feel the bigger yes redemption. Family drama, place of upbringing, drugs, alcohol, jobs, friends, plans, possibilities, ego convictions etc fall in this time sand…

The stepping away point is often a huge bipolar wave wash for me, especially if it was unplanned, dramatic.

And yet, over time, intuitive redemption, a deeper, calmer, slower simpler truth, a bigger ahh awakening, bubble up from the depths of time.

Sometimes I try to force the healing, sometimes I’ve stepped back in for a redo of previous untruth illusions. Usually disastrous re-runs, with even messier endings ensue.

IMG_5457Truth can be evaded, run from, delayed, ignored, temporarily pacified with distraction, yet truth is.

While integration, redemption, intuitive visions may not always be easy to be patient for, it can be incredibly eerily calm, and strengthening when they do arrive.

Please trust your calm intuitive bipolar visions, for me, they have always led, to a much bigger deeper quieter, yes.





Woo Woo Kindergarten

16 10 2010

Love.  Now.

If I only had two words I could take with me for the rest of my life to a deserted island in the sea.  These are the only two words I would ever need.

Love. Now.

Before I accepted the modern western science word and definition of bipolar disorder, manic depression, I came across writings about shamanism in literature and anthropology classes in college.

My internal experience was extremely dysfunctional, dark, and angry at the time.  I was less than a year out of the mental institute, daily user of marijuana, and binge drinking whenever I could afford it or b.s. my way into a party.

I was scared enough about being locked up again that I was somehow able to overcome the monsters inside me enough not to get fired at my job to support school and attend classes, but the inside of my head would have scared the psych ward.

Being hospitalized highlighted and traumatized the mental state I was in, yes it kept me physically safe from hurting myself, and gave my family a rest from dealing with me, but it really only gave me a hard “right turn here Clyde whack” (80’s Clint Eastwood movie reference) into desperately searching for a healing in my life.(which is all good now and I am extremely grateful for)(yes it took many years to see the good and come to the mental/physical healing conclusion in my being).

Where was I?  Oh yes, bipolar and shamanism.  I related to shamanism first, before I accepted the term and definition of bipolar.

The physical descriptions of weird behavior, muttering, isolation, non function in society, and leading ceremonies and strange combinations of physical objects or attire.

I actually laughed out loud and sprayed my coffee in the middle of a college class when I came across the description the first time in the book.

Why?

Cut and paste the previous paragraph of the physical description of shamans, attach my face to it and put it up as a poster boy for.

I never heard of the word shamanism, (I grew up in remote Alaska in the 70’s)(Parents didn’t “do” the sixties”)(translation-our American culture has evolved a lot, thank God)(I promise to cut down on parenthesis if they drive you nuts)(ok just one more I obviously have a lot to say today, I must be making up for my silent journey as of late.)

It wasn’t long after the seeds of shamanism were planted in my soul, that I sobered up by attending 12 step programs, and discovered positive metaphysics courses and teachers, which I have been devouring ever, sense.

Like any rambunctious puppy smelling out new adventures, I tried everything:  hence the words I use, woo woo, new age, tarot, psychic, channeling, angels, medicine cards, etc. etc. etc.

Sometimes I attended, sometimes I did it.  Startling enough I was actually really good at it, and could easily have pursued a career in it because people paid me and asked me to do it more. (huge side track I’ll write about some other time, quick answer: Bipolar/shamans, have inside track to the unseen/nonverbal world)

I quickly observed something though.

This might piss a few people off, but here goes;

It’s all about love; it’s all about now.

Every shamanic, voo doo, woo woo, psychic, you name experience I ever had, ALWAYS, always, always, led me back to the present moment life issues, and always the same way to heal the trauma revealed or energy to pursue the dream revealed was love.

So does that mean you don’t recommend following anything George?  Does that mean you should do nothing and just meditate in a room? Nope.  I tried that too.  In fact I even went to China to the ancient caves that the people before the Taoists meditated in and meditated there.

If I were to add a third word to my deserted island vocabulary it would be YES.

Explore everything, taste, feel, channel, listen, sing, play, express, receive.  It’s why we are here.  It’s why we created all these flavors on the buffet.

And if it becomes overwhelming, ungrounded, or scary in anyway,

Just re-member, the word, LOVE, and NOW.

Here is how:

Put your hands on your chest.  Breathe.  Keeping taking deep slow breaths until you feel calm, and ready to explore, yell, play, scream, dance, cry, feel, work, or what ever appears next in your dance of life.

Luv yas,

George

 





Choosing Feeling

15 03 2010

“What you seek is being broadcast right where you stand.  Your role is to receive…  How can you look at your life slightly differently so that you are aware of more good?”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 15.

I have been experimenting with this concept a lot lately.  The art of manifestation for me has recently shifted to focusing on the concept of be the feeling first, and the thing you desire will appear.  Or what do you want, what feeling do you think you will get from it, and access the feeling first.  If I can completely access the feeling first, than I may or may not need the thing or experience.

On a practical note, when I have felt “crazy” or anxious lately, I’ve switched my inner affirmation dialogue from I am peaceful, to I feel peaceful.  My previous experimentations with the whole manifestation process was to focus on tying all of the senses I could into the experience, what did what I want sound feel taste smell like so that I could be that much more inside the experience before it happened.   I have found it much quicker to simply say feel instead of am.  As I repeat this over and over my mind shifts.  Instead of trying to be I am peaceful, it shifts to body, I feeel peaceful.  Annnnd.  It’s been working.  Instead of staying in my head repeating like a mantra over and over again I am peaceful, I am peaceful, in an attempt to avert my current neurotic reaction to life, I simply affirm, I feel peaceful.  I drop into my body much sooner, I calm down quicker, and my reaction to whatever is currently bothering me comes from a different place in me.  It’s easier to see the different angles.

My journey lately has been choosing more carefully my body feeling instead of my head reaction.

feeeeeeling—grrroooovy ; )

George





Stillness

16 02 2010

“How might you handle your upset from the inside out rather than trying to change the external world?”  from Alan Cohen’s latest book A Daily Dose of Sanity, Feb 16th

Sometimes I am just empty.  Sometimes words come easily, sometimes quiet is the order of the day.  Alan’s message is very powerful for me.  In fact I would say sometimes I dig too much, or get lost in the looking of what’s deeper rather than trusting the emptiness and stillness to allow the muddy waters within to clear long enough to see what is really going on.  My vacation/spiritual retreat bubble has faded away slightly and I am settling in a little more to life as it currently is.  Overall I am deeply grateful for the abundant opportunities to be quiet gentle and slow.  I am also awakening to deep longing for more connection with local community in my life again.  I’ve been on a bit of a solo sojourn of internal healing for a couple years, and I’m beginning to open up again to what’s going on around me.

Allowing myself to be in the stillness inside today,

George





An Unscattered Life

13 02 2010

“Kissing is good.  Driving is good.  Both are even better when you do them one at a time.”  from Alan Cohen’s new book A Daily Dose of Sanity February 13th.

Never a room I once left which a tornado couldn’t have organized better.  Chaos was my modus of operendi…until I got fed up with and had enough of anxiety in my life.

In Alan’s writing today he talks about a life of integrity, living in tune with where our heart, minds, and souls actually are.  One thing at a time.  I couldn’t agree more.  One of the many gifts with my unique mind I’ve gotten the pleasure of unsorting, is horrendous paralyzing anxiety attacks.  I was so focussed on learning the bipolar opportunity in my life, I just coped with the anxiety as best I could, my desire to provide my own room and board was always greater then shutting down completely, and when I did shut down, by the grace of God I was able to “come back online” in time to do the next necessary thing to keep my job or whatever I was focussed on in the moment.  After years of learning the bipolar dance, become stable in a highly paid professional job, and once again being in a relationship, my anxiety surfaced as the next big thing to tackle in my life.  The woman that I was with at the time, was the antithesis of my disorganization.  She also had very little tolerance for chaos.  A definitive case of opposites.  Being the open minded adventurer that I am, I decided to play with it a bit and see what I could come up with.  Fortunately for me my workload doubled, and then tripled, in such a manner that it was physically impossible for my people pleasing/do the right thing/take care of everything mode /was impossible.  I no longer had moments to unsort my mental self much less the physical chaos I generated around me.

Finally a circuit blew in my brain and I just sat down, turned off my computer, put a sticky note on the message light of my phone, and decided I would only work on one task at a time to completion, and completely ignore everyone, and everything else.  I no longer cared if I kept the job, or got it all done, I was only interested in my own sanity at that point.  I constantly stopped, refocussed on the one thing, and took the next step.  There were many unhappy people and a couple of times my boss got in my face.  I simply stopped what I was doing, looked him in the eye, and asked him if there was any greater priority than what I was currently working on.  I would either refocus on his bigger priority to completion, or continue on with the task at hand.  Even though I walked around in complete chaos around me, my inner life and mind was slowing down.  I checked emails and phone messages once a day, and spent the rest of my day with my hands, completing the next priority.  Slowly, through being affected by the organization and cleanliness at home with the woman I was living with, and the focus at work, I started to go through the other areas of my life.

Five years later, the energy continues.  The miracle I’ve noticed as I’ve slowed down and focussed, is I am also able to slow down and focus with people.  And this has been the unexpected gold from anxiety. The workload dropped away, and the ability to be “in to me see” with people has remained.  In fact, I’m physically still at my job, but my heart, soul, and mind has awakened to the people that I am with, and the people that I meet.  Honestly, it’s a much bigger spiritual dividend I receive by being able to be with whoever is in front of me.  As I have allowed this way of living to expand, I enjoy going to spiritual retreats and workshops for the ease of being with like minded conscious people, I also like dancing with complete strangers and long time coworkers because there is absolutely nothing that beats being focussed and present with someone regardless of the circumstances.  I’ve discovered this as my true passion.  To actually be, with whoever I am with, wherever I am.

Breathing,

George





So What.

22 11 2009

Last summer I had a conversation with one of my sister’s about turning 40.  She summed up her experience in the 40’s as, get “it” done now, and so what.

Lately my mind has been freakin.  Going forward, going past, making decisions(no actions thank goodness).

In the middle of Mr. Freak Out’s current rant in my head one morning Mr. So What, showed up.  He is used to be called “I Don’t Care”.  But Mr. I Don’t Care, led to negativity, so I fired him, because I wanted to care more about life or find things that I did care about and focus on them.

Mr So What, just quietly said, “So What?”

Today, right here, right now is great.  The forecast looks pretty good for tomorrow.   All the freakouts and bugaboos in my head have to do with possible outcomes of which I have absolutely no facts or empirical evidence for.  But, But, But.  No facts, nadda.  No crystal balls either.

After awhile Mr Freak Out quieted down, especially when I found a fun project for him to work on.  He LOVES, details, planning, researching.  Mr Freak Out, is excellent for vacations.  So I said I would like to go camping and Kayaking, I need a campsite location, what kind of Kayak to get, and I’d like a new bike too.  Off he went with a big grin.

I smiled at Mr So What, and thanked him for helping me out today in the control room of my brain.  So what, is great because of all the very successful failures, and disasters I’ve created in my life.  Having survived a lot of worst fears scenarios, and watched the sun come up the next day with another opportunity to create something different, Mr. So What, is now a good friend.

My tool for the day in dealing with bipolar, was to give Mr Freak Out a fun project to work on, and listen to Mr So What? instead.

Breathing Deeply

George





Focus

16 11 2009

Fast.

Bipolar fast, can be fun, if I’m prepared. I knew I would be walking into a fast day today, so I took a moment to be prepared.  Many fun and exciting things are happening as well as regular obligations I need to take care of.  I don’t really have a lot of time for idleness(one of my favorite past times).  What I’ve noticed is that it is easy for manic to kick in, ramp up the volume in my head and go way faster then is necessary.  I can also work fast, turn on idle chatter or narration, or connect with everyone, or comment on everything, or make jokes,  while I work.  Today, these are not helpful.

The biggest tool I use today, is focus.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the biggest priority.  Not 1 hr or 1 day from now, not what happened five minutes ago.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the current priority.

If I don’t know, I pause, breathe, think if I am thinking clearly, or write if I’m not.  Regain my focus and then launch again.

I also went to bed early, got up an hour earlier, and was sure to put on happy dance music straight up to get my mind in a fun flow.  I didn’t even give it a chance to think about the dramas and tribulations that occurred yesterday from travel.  I just got up, danced, and jumped into my day.

Now let’s back up; before I was willing able and aware of nurturing, taking care of and allowing my bipolar, I would have had a major blow out by now, been in full dark victim mode, possibly paralyzed in anxiety darkness or negativity overwhelmed in my chair, phone ringing, people trying to get a hold of me bigger mess building up, etc.

By purging yesterday, as best I could last night, and waking up gently today, observing my thoughts and injecting positive affirmations before my eyes even opened, I already had a head start.

The difference between dark victim mode, and ok let’s dance with this day mode, are actually fairly simple.  It’s more of a choice actually.  Yesterday in the middle of travel drama I was down a bit.  I picked up my positive daily reader, read a passage, and thought about it for 15 minutes before a flight, instead of allowing the negative spiral take me down.

Today I am grateful for being bipolar, because I was down, so hard, so long, for so many years, that because I am intimately  familiar with negative darkness in my mind, I’m much more able to quickly identify, and counteract the pattern, before it becomes disruptive.

Is being bipolar intense?  Yes.  At times.  It’s also a lot of fun to  have so many options and ways of tackling problems situations and opportunities.  Today, because of learning to be functional and having an awesome highly technical challenging job which can take me in many directions at once, I know, if I stay positive and functional, I’ll dance through just fine, and probably be able to accomplish a lot more, then if I wasn’t blessed with bipolar.

gotta go, big quick hug, peace,

George








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