huge know, BIGGER YES!

12 01 2015

IMG_5643From time to time in this journey I’ve chosen big knows, sometimes planned sometimes not. Either way, I check in with silence over time to sense the choice, to trust intuition. Was this or that let go a hell yes or no. Sometimes it’s a partial, and years go by before I feel the bigger yes redemption. Family drama, place of upbringing, drugs, alcohol, jobs, friends, plans, possibilities, ego convictions etc fall in this time sand…

The stepping away point is often a huge bipolar wave wash for me, especially if it was unplanned, dramatic.

And yet, over time, intuitive redemption, a deeper, calmer, slower simpler truth, a bigger ahh awakening, bubble up from the depths of time.

Sometimes I try to force the healing, sometimes I’ve stepped back in for a redo of previous untruth illusions. Usually disastrous re-runs, with even messier endings ensue.

IMG_5457Truth can be evaded, run from, delayed, ignored, temporarily pacified with distraction, yet truth is.

While integration, redemption, intuitive visions may not always be easy to be patient for, it can be incredibly eerily calm, and strengthening when they do arrive.

Please trust your calm intuitive bipolar visions, for me, they have always led, to a much bigger deeper quieter, yes.





Pay Attention

4 01 2015

IMG_5901These two words used to scare me as a child, I would often lose interest in the current drama of the moment, or be internally fascinated by new ideas, different points of view, usually contrary to a majority of people making decisions. I would often drift, when I had enough, or just needed a pause button.

Pay Attention, used to be a siren call/judgement handed down when I wasn’t being present to someone else’s 24/7 crisis.

I”m good at drama, really good, just wind me up and watch me go, but honestly, I prefer sipping details i’m usually unaware of;
dry leaves, skin moisture, shifting light in familiar landscapes, knowing the current temperature range from the sound of bug buzzes in the tropics or tone of squeak from boots on really cold snow in the arctic.

Bigger than that, if I allow attention to drift into these less headline areas it usually coincides with insights, which lead to healing, which leads to less generated drama.
When I’m in drama, it’s all about the drama, and paying attention to minutia is the least likely action, yet the drip off a leaf, focussing intensely for a moment on any organic item or picture, can sometimes/often, shift into big picture drift. It’s the magic of attention. Do I choose impending drama doom or fascination and openings today?





Tears Heal

1 10 2013

Tears

When I gently guide myself thru a rough patch, tears can be a good sign.

?

Yesterday Rocky today tears?

Yup.

When I’ve been thru a stretch of high stress work or life, and my mind is on obsessive spin cycle, or sleeplessness, etc., tears can sometimes indicate, i’m getting ok again.

When I learned how to be crazy as a child, I learned a “survival identity”.

Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.

As an adult it is much easier to ignore mental pain, and just get on with reality, take care of work/life/family demands to provide food and shelter.

But what if the crisis ends, if real world demands drop off a bit, and I actually have a moment to breathe, or allow myself a moment to catch up internally?

I usually go thru phases, get thru the stress, spin down, sleep, have a really good day, and then anxiety hits.

This is a tricky slope in dealing with mental waves, bipolar disorder, and continuous sobriety.

The anxiety, after a really good day, after a series of really bad daze, needs to be dealt with carefully, inside out.

First I acknowledge it.  Yesterday, nothing was wrong in my world, but I felt squirrelly.  It would have been easy to make a lot of unhealthy choices.

It would have been easy to dismiss it and get busy with anything.

When I have the luxury of time, to breath in my anxiety, I do.

Why?!!!

Overtime, years in fact, of this practice, has lead to a deeper calm inside, less of a reaction to stressful situations while they happen, less need for poor choices in situations I want to run from etc.

Tears, are an indicator, I feel safe enough to feel, and safe enough to decompress, and catch up with unprocessed sensitivity, reactions, visceral response to human experience in a mechanically operated, automated, corporate environment, techo fast world.

How natural is it for us to be human in our fast paced society?

How natural is it to be human, bottle up stress, and stuff it with more busy-ness?

Tears can heal, if allowed a moment to breathe.

George





Woo Woo Kindergarten

16 10 2010

Love.  Now.

If I only had two words I could take with me for the rest of my life to a deserted island in the sea.  These are the only two words I would ever need.

Love. Now.

Before I accepted the modern western science word and definition of bipolar disorder, manic depression, I came across writings about shamanism in literature and anthropology classes in college.

My internal experience was extremely dysfunctional, dark, and angry at the time.  I was less than a year out of the mental institute, daily user of marijuana, and binge drinking whenever I could afford it or b.s. my way into a party.

I was scared enough about being locked up again that I was somehow able to overcome the monsters inside me enough not to get fired at my job to support school and attend classes, but the inside of my head would have scared the psych ward.

Being hospitalized highlighted and traumatized the mental state I was in, yes it kept me physically safe from hurting myself, and gave my family a rest from dealing with me, but it really only gave me a hard “right turn here Clyde whack” (80’s Clint Eastwood movie reference) into desperately searching for a healing in my life.(which is all good now and I am extremely grateful for)(yes it took many years to see the good and come to the mental/physical healing conclusion in my being).

Where was I?  Oh yes, bipolar and shamanism.  I related to shamanism first, before I accepted the term and definition of bipolar.

The physical descriptions of weird behavior, muttering, isolation, non function in society, and leading ceremonies and strange combinations of physical objects or attire.

I actually laughed out loud and sprayed my coffee in the middle of a college class when I came across the description the first time in the book.

Why?

Cut and paste the previous paragraph of the physical description of shamans, attach my face to it and put it up as a poster boy for.

I never heard of the word shamanism, (I grew up in remote Alaska in the 70’s)(Parents didn’t “do” the sixties”)(translation-our American culture has evolved a lot, thank God)(I promise to cut down on parenthesis if they drive you nuts)(ok just one more I obviously have a lot to say today, I must be making up for my silent journey as of late.)

It wasn’t long after the seeds of shamanism were planted in my soul, that I sobered up by attending 12 step programs, and discovered positive metaphysics courses and teachers, which I have been devouring ever, sense.

Like any rambunctious puppy smelling out new adventures, I tried everything:  hence the words I use, woo woo, new age, tarot, psychic, channeling, angels, medicine cards, etc. etc. etc.

Sometimes I attended, sometimes I did it.  Startling enough I was actually really good at it, and could easily have pursued a career in it because people paid me and asked me to do it more. (huge side track I’ll write about some other time, quick answer: Bipolar/shamans, have inside track to the unseen/nonverbal world)

I quickly observed something though.

This might piss a few people off, but here goes;

It’s all about love; it’s all about now.

Every shamanic, voo doo, woo woo, psychic, you name experience I ever had, ALWAYS, always, always, led me back to the present moment life issues, and always the same way to heal the trauma revealed or energy to pursue the dream revealed was love.

So does that mean you don’t recommend following anything George?  Does that mean you should do nothing and just meditate in a room? Nope.  I tried that too.  In fact I even went to China to the ancient caves that the people before the Taoists meditated in and meditated there.

If I were to add a third word to my deserted island vocabulary it would be YES.

Explore everything, taste, feel, channel, listen, sing, play, express, receive.  It’s why we are here.  It’s why we created all these flavors on the buffet.

And if it becomes overwhelming, ungrounded, or scary in anyway,

Just re-member, the word, LOVE, and NOW.

Here is how:

Put your hands on your chest.  Breathe.  Keeping taking deep slow breaths until you feel calm, and ready to explore, yell, play, scream, dance, cry, feel, work, or what ever appears next in your dance of life.

Luv yas,

George

 





Choosing positive

16 04 2010

“This experience taught me that wherever I am, God is.  I am always taken care of, often in ways I could not control or plan.”  Alan Cohen.  A Daily Dose of Sanity, April 15th.

This is an excellent passage that Alan wrote for today.  It is a story of need, letting go, and being provided for by the natural abundance of the universe in a way he couldn’t have planned.

I’m finding fear and insecurity, and subsequent old behaviors cropping up as I slip back into my work role for the month.

My technique for the day has been to discover what I’m feeling:  insecurity.  Flip it(what do I want to feel=security, safety, confidence, faith).

Instead of identifying my mind and thoughts with what I’m currently actually feeling(fear).  I’m affirming what I want to feel.

In other words the dialogue I’m creating and tuning into through out my day in the back of my head is.

“I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok.”  Immediately as I just did this, my body took a deep breath and released it.

This is the miracle of using our minds to create what we really want and need.

Yes, I can let my mind continue to spin in the negative direction it was going when I woke up, OR,

I can identify what I really want to feel, and affirm it, until I do.

I feel peace, I feel calm, I feel ok, I feel release.

Over and over and over.  And it’s working.

This is how I live and deal with the negative racing thought mental spin cycle that shows up in me from time to time with bipolar.

A toolbox of ideas and techniques I’ve been shown or discovered over the years to altar my current mental direction usually before it gets out of hand, and choose/create a future direction and present experience which is much more to my liking.

The passage Alan wrote today is huge for me, because it reminds me it’s not all about me, providing for me.

Even though it would appear the universe thinks I’m strong enough to deal with my current mental opportunities, the universe is also giving me a gentle reminder through Alan’s story of being provided for in unexpected ways, that what I truly need, always shows up.

What I need today, in order to stay in a positive mental direction:

I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok.  Breathe.  I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok…

Breathing, Releasing, focusing/choosing good outcomes,

George





Choosing Feeling

15 03 2010

“What you seek is being broadcast right where you stand.  Your role is to receive…  How can you look at your life slightly differently so that you are aware of more good?”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 15.

I have been experimenting with this concept a lot lately.  The art of manifestation for me has recently shifted to focusing on the concept of be the feeling first, and the thing you desire will appear.  Or what do you want, what feeling do you think you will get from it, and access the feeling first.  If I can completely access the feeling first, than I may or may not need the thing or experience.

On a practical note, when I have felt “crazy” or anxious lately, I’ve switched my inner affirmation dialogue from I am peaceful, to I feel peaceful.  My previous experimentations with the whole manifestation process was to focus on tying all of the senses I could into the experience, what did what I want sound feel taste smell like so that I could be that much more inside the experience before it happened.   I have found it much quicker to simply say feel instead of am.  As I repeat this over and over my mind shifts.  Instead of trying to be I am peaceful, it shifts to body, I feeel peaceful.  Annnnd.  It’s been working.  Instead of staying in my head repeating like a mantra over and over again I am peaceful, I am peaceful, in an attempt to avert my current neurotic reaction to life, I simply affirm, I feel peaceful.  I drop into my body much sooner, I calm down quicker, and my reaction to whatever is currently bothering me comes from a different place in me.  It’s easier to see the different angles.

My journey lately has been choosing more carefully my body feeling instead of my head reaction.

feeeeeeling—grrroooovy ; )

George





Flip it and Dig

4 03 2010

“I march forth to claim the best that life has to offer.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, Mar 4th.

Yeahhhh! Go Alan, Go Alan, he shoots, he scores.  Right out of the park.  Thank you.  Most excellent reminder.  Today’s lesson could probably be tattooed on my forehead.

Lately I’ve been feeling fake, saying my lines, and not really connecting with the moment.  My head has chimed in with all sorts of extra clutter and stories about the whole situation.

So I’ve been flipping it.  I feel fake___I feel authentic/real/whole.  ok that’s nice George but you are still completely in your head, it’s crowded in here.

I put my hand on my heart.  I feel real.  Breathe.  I feel safe.  Breathe.  I feel ok.  Today is a good day.  Breathe.

The present is my most powerful moment today.  Marching forth with my writing, reading and study of Alan’s new book, and completing spiritually focussed course.  Breathing, hand on heart, I am OK.

weird self pipes up, I”m Marvelous Darling, grin.

I officially give myself permission to make mistakes, to be fake, unconnected, disorientated, uncentered and blah blah blah.

I officially give myself permission to restart my day at any moment.  Breathe, place my hand on my heart, and flip my self talk into positives.

Diggin the gold in me,

George








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