NOW, or later

8 11 2009

Impulsive get r done, or pause, prepare, act with assurance.

Gentleness with one’s soul, allowing the simmer to distill the essence of one’s next move.

Let life ripen and then fall, will is not the way at all.

Rush rush get it done move on.

I like gentle now.  I used to be so impatient to get it done get on to the next thing or bored in need of excitement or afraid if I didn’t now then never.

I also used to be extremely anxious a majority of the time and not even know what anxious was.

I used to be an ongoing ball of chaos.  Nerry a room I left twitch wasn’t a bigger mess then whence I entered.

Breathing, slowing doing, tackling chaos, one aspect of my life at a time, has led to a deeper and deeper stillness, I am hugely grateful for.

A friend of mine and I were discussing dating.  AAAAAGH shut up George, you know how I hate talking about this! (yes but George we are committed to sharing this bipolar experience, and relationships and dating is all part of it right, RIGHT George?)shheeeeeesh, mumbles George.

Playing devil’s advocate my friend then said, why don’t you just go on a bunch of dates and see what happens.

Immediately I thought wow that sounds exciting and scary.  Which at times is a good indicator of something I ought to consider.

But then a gentler guiet more peaceful still voice spoke up and said.  I’d rather be as prepared and lined up as I can be first.  There is some personal business I would like to take care of first.

He laughed, you have no idea what’s going to happen you can’t prepare away life.

I said,Well, you are right, and I have sucessfully jumped in blind to a lot of situations in life, and had mixed results.  I’ve also slowed down a lot, sorted out everything I can first, and then glided into situations with less chaos energy inside.

I went on, and my theory is, if I have less chaos running around inside me, then maybe I’ll attract someone with less chaos in them, and I’ll be better able to enjoy the results.

My body at that point voted by releasing a big sigh, and took a deep breath. This is an indicator of truth for me.  When my body automatically relaxes, I know, I’ve discovered a truth.

With so much chaos availible from rhythms and dealing with subsequent chaos in life with bipolar,  I like to give myself a chance now, to be as prepared and calm, before I start a project, rather then jumping in both feet the split second I think of it or someone suggests or dares me.

The gentler path may not be as enticing sometimes, and quiet stillness can stir up internal uncomfortableness, yet I find the solitude that does occur between the bouts of not liking me, refreshing.

Breathing deeply and gratefully today,

George








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