Bipolar Angst

7 10 2013

BPAngst“We can see how people dream and succeed in life; we can also completely sympathize   with people walking the dark and lonely roads of hopeless failure.”  pg 6, Living Out of Darkness.

I wrote this in the beginning of my book about the bipolar disorder journey.  It’s an alternative definition I’ve come up with to attempt describing the big picture experience of being consciously bipolar.

Training oneself with spirituality, positive metaphysics, etc, can help understand and work with managing the mania phase.

Deep sober, prayer and meditation, can lead to expanding comprehension of human experience while physically filled with dark emotion.

These two methods combined over time to deal with the mania and depression, can lead to the conscious bipolar experience.

Conscious bipolar individuals don’t just intellectually analyze the facts of anything. We can experience first hand direct physical emotional/soul/spirit/ connection with facts and humanity. The immensity of this experience without internal or external tutelage, leads to the blow outs in behavior.

On one hand, I can/could/have, blame my family for everything,

On the other hand, knowing what I know now, about their upbringing in challenging times, the nature of the individuals that they are, combined with the in depth experience a bipolar life has allowed me, I could never blame them or me for anything.

Experiencing the extreme highs/lows, depth of life, separately, mixed, and intimately within one’s body allows an opening for healing.

When I can truly feel another’s pain, and potential, in my own body, I can also nurture hope and potential.

This is tricky.  It is the gift and burden of bipolar angst.  Do we run from the highs and lows and act out?

Do we stick around long enough to experience both?

Do we embody what we feel, and still choose conscious positive potential actions?

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Happy Highs

4 10 2013

Image 1“Defining the line between what is a healthy high and at what point the line has been crossed is the art form of being consciously bipolar.” pg 77 of my book Living Out of Darkness.

Happy Day, Happy Boy, ruff ruff, wanna run run run.  So I did, sort of, I rode.  Managing Happy highs can be at times just as perilous as extreme lows.

Today was not a good day to pull out the credit card and go online shopping.  The current obsession with crystals was tempting, but I resisted.  In the past, not so much.  I was way to ADD, in a good way to calm down, so I went with it.  Jumped on my bike to go check the mail, which entailed a 10 mile bike ride.

Happy Highs —-> Exercise!  (in moderation).

Yes it is annoying, exercise but not too much, stay away from wallet, watch the mind spin, etc.

But.  I’ve stayed healthy and thoroughly enjoyed my day.  The exercise endorphins have kicked in, Mozart is blasting way, and looking forward to a good swim later.

Peace!!!

geo





Chill Pill

18 05 2010

“I seek upliftment, and find it.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity May 18th

I took a chill pill three days after coming on shift and have been enjoying my time ever since.  For some strange reason I let myself get all hyper and upset about the spill in the gulf which kept me in the news cycle on my off time.   Instead of chilling out and relaxing, letting go,(it’s not like I can swim down a mile and plug a crude oil pipe)(or watching the news constantly is going to fix it any faster),  I got all wound up, during my off time.

So I come back on shift wiggy, off kilter, freaked out facing two weeks of solid work.  I had the usual bipolar feelings of being out of control, inappropriate, frustrated, and slightly hopeless.  The illusion of oh my God I’ve always been this way and always will be kicked in as well.  I even had thoughts of I can’t remember when I was last mellow and all was well with the world.

Breathe, take a chill pill.

For me, my chill pill was just the realization I had been out of tune with my daily routine for awhile and it was time to get back on my “formula”  and seek the balance.  Get up, get on my knees, ask God for help today, thank God for help getting through yesterday.  Shower, exercise, and meditate.  Eat, walk outside, drink chamomile (first cup than coffee).  Sit and read something positive and spiritual.  Think.  Write about it.  During my day I’ve paid particular attention to my breaks, i.e. where I take them, that I insist on taking them, and who I associate with.  Also at lunch one day I steered away from the crowd and enjoyed quiet time instead.

Guess what?

My chill pill has worked marvelously, I’m back in a good groove for several days now, even though I’m still at work, and lots of things are happening I must pay detailed attention to.

Peace,

George





Hungry for dirty dishes

11 05 2010

Empty is in my organic bipolar rhythm.  I used to view it as bad.  I used to get frustrated with it.  Why, why does it keep occurring?

When I do the dishes (I still enjoy old fashioned hands hot water soap), the sink either fills with dirty water or it just drains away as I wash.  When I’m done, I wipe down the sink and it is ready for a fresh batch of dirty dishes.

When my current batch of busyness, or exciting stuff ends, my sink feels dirty and empty.  Hence I sink a bit.

When I allow time and moment to remember the sponge to wipe the sink,

When I allow spirit the openness for me to empty my mind and ask the question, what’s next?

I feel comforted because my sink is clean.

If I’m down or empty or frustrated again with being bipolar, it’s good to re-member the process of cleaning my sink, allowing opening to what’s new, and eagerly anticipating the next big batch of dirty dishes coming my way.

Time to cook,

George





“Crazy” Mental Health helper

29 04 2010

I often feel neurotic between my ears.  I’m not a fashion model, financial expert, or relationship genius.  I also have little passion or energy for these human experiences.  I am a kinetic mental rollercoaster.  I often judge myself or see this as bad.

Today I realized this is actually a gift.  Because I am frequently neurotic, I am also obsessed with overcoming my inner mental turmoil and seeking the balance and sharing the gifts I discover to help me establish and maintain tranquility when I find it.

I thought about this for a bit today.

I would appear the very issues that I struggle and obsess with the most in my life are the very gifts in which I serve others the best with.

Hmmm.  What kind of a celestial set up is that?

If I were mentally stable, would my toolbox of organic holistic mental health techniques be so large and always expanding, would my sensitivity to other’s mental state be so highly tuned?

And here is the kicker that gave me a big ahh let go of all the crap circulating in my head today.

Because I am neurotic, because I have so much obsession with personal mental health techniques, because I have highly tuned sensitivity in these areas, because at times I exhibit immense unflappable calm in the middle of storms, I am often the one people in my “tribe” or local group come to for the big questions.

“When you pray who do you pray to…,”  “My mother just died…”, etc.

Or I hear, you were the only one I could think of that I could turn to.

Even though we may not be experts or genius’s in certain areas of life that currently receive societies approval, even though we may constantly give ourselves shit about aspects or areas of our life, we may actually be learning growing and sharing, that which our tribe really needs.

Is our mental health opportunities, a bad thing, or are they part of a grand design to have some of us focus on big, deep, issues.

The funny thing is to me, when I’m approached with a physical health, financial question, or regular life question, I can jabber out an answer with the best of them and still be clueless,  yet when someone comes to me and asks, “why pray, or is there a God, or what is the meaning of all this crap, I feel right at home.  I feel calm, I feel right, I feel in the moment, meant to be there, fulfilling my role and walk in this life.  Because that is the inner dialogue, bipolar has instilled in me.  What is the meaning of life, why am I high, why am I low, how do I get back to normal this time?

These are the gifts, bipolar gives us, gives me, in which I am deeply grateful for.

George





Faith Renewal

19 04 2010

It always amazes me when I think I know what’s going on, then life reveals something entirely different.

With bipolar it would appear I have a natural lack of inhibition to see and speak truth.  I can be placed in a situation and know and see the dynamics going on as simply as breathing.

When the lack of truth or denial of what I perceive to really be going on gets to a certain level, I do my best to speak my truth and follow social protocol(after years of attempting to learn it through trial error and grey hair).

If at a certain point I become passionate enough or scared enough about what’s going on, I usually blow my lid.

Afterwards I feel uncomfortable and bad about myself because I no longer like creating the physical mental and emotional feeling inside my body associate with anger fear and reaction.

My last work shift I came on all peaceful after my off time, and within two days was a raging idiot.  (this is the story I told myself and felt on the inside).  I didn’t fill out an evaluation for the class and just left feeling horrible for allowing myself to get so upset.

I come back on shift this time loaded for bear.  I felt antagonistic, ready to fight and defend myself, and be on top of my game.

Instead I’ve drifted into a gentle cloud and all the reasons why I love my job.  Spring, sun on the mountains.  Hanging out with long time friends after work.  No crisis work schedule, no hassles with boss, etc.  etc.

AAAAnd, the bonus round, as a very intuitive person, with extreme sensitivity, that I’ve slowly become aware of and sought out spiritual and positive metaphysical philosophy and practises to compensate for(ie:dealing with bipolar disorder and manic depression), I’ve become a defacto life coach.

In my remote work place there are no towns or local resources for helping people through life challenges when they occur here.

What I am amazed about is every time I think, it’s time to move on, I’m shown new people, new struggles, in a remote place I feel adjusted to, that need someone who is able to listen, ask questions, and listen more, as they figure out what they need to create or perceive in a new way in their life.

Also, an evaluator, and a fellow student called me about the previous class in which I blew up in and felt horrible about.   Both assured me my behavior was appropriate, the instructor was out of line, and thanked me for sharing my wisdom and truth about the situation, and asked me what could be done better in the future.

This left me renewed and dumbfounded on many levels.

It also affirmed, what is truth?, what is story?, and do I really think I know whats going on?

My gratitiude for today:  I love being who I am, and I really love it when I receive feedback, that who I naturally am, actually helps and is of service to others, who may not always be as aware of dynamics, or as trained in articulating perception when it boils over.

My affirmation for today;  I trust the process of life, and the divine intervention and guidance when it is needed.

In deep gratitude,

George





Choosing positive

16 04 2010

“This experience taught me that wherever I am, God is.  I am always taken care of, often in ways I could not control or plan.”  Alan Cohen.  A Daily Dose of Sanity, April 15th.

This is an excellent passage that Alan wrote for today.  It is a story of need, letting go, and being provided for by the natural abundance of the universe in a way he couldn’t have planned.

I’m finding fear and insecurity, and subsequent old behaviors cropping up as I slip back into my work role for the month.

My technique for the day has been to discover what I’m feeling:  insecurity.  Flip it(what do I want to feel=security, safety, confidence, faith).

Instead of identifying my mind and thoughts with what I’m currently actually feeling(fear).  I’m affirming what I want to feel.

In other words the dialogue I’m creating and tuning into through out my day in the back of my head is.

“I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok.”  Immediately as I just did this, my body took a deep breath and released it.

This is the miracle of using our minds to create what we really want and need.

Yes, I can let my mind continue to spin in the negative direction it was going when I woke up, OR,

I can identify what I really want to feel, and affirm it, until I do.

I feel peace, I feel calm, I feel ok, I feel release.

Over and over and over.  And it’s working.

This is how I live and deal with the negative racing thought mental spin cycle that shows up in me from time to time with bipolar.

A toolbox of ideas and techniques I’ve been shown or discovered over the years to altar my current mental direction usually before it gets out of hand, and choose/create a future direction and present experience which is much more to my liking.

The passage Alan wrote today is huge for me, because it reminds me it’s not all about me, providing for me.

Even though it would appear the universe thinks I’m strong enough to deal with my current mental opportunities, the universe is also giving me a gentle reminder through Alan’s story of being provided for in unexpected ways, that what I truly need, always shows up.

What I need today, in order to stay in a positive mental direction:

I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok.  Breathe.  I feel safe, I feel secure, I feel ok…

Breathing, Releasing, focusing/choosing good outcomes,

George








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