Bipolar Dreams

16 09 2009

I like taking online self study positive metaphysics courses.  As I have been bored with my current funk and ready to crawl out and engage with life again I’ve been doing my current course.  Some lessons grab me, some not.  I like the daily shot in the positive of perspective outside of my little head.  Todays lesson was about writing out an ideal life type scenario.  I love dong this because I am an awesome creative writer thanks to bipolar and a deep desire over the years to figure out just what the heck is going on and why.  Writing as a healing modality is very powerful.  I can be in the most foul of moods, somehow find the motivation to do my next lesson or even just journal, and either the creativity of writing out something new, or allowing what’s really bugging/causing my avoidance to come out on paper transforms me.  It’s so simple yet so easy not to do.  500 pound pencils and paper are difficult, or maybe nowadays it’s lifting the screen on my laptop.

So anyway.  My writing exercise today was describing in detail what my next ideal life would look like.  I had a lot of fun with it.  Makes my toes tingle and a smile errupted on my face.  House on the secluded beach quiet spot to watch the sunrise, bicycle ride to a cafe, lunch with a friend, etc.

Dreams.  Dreams.  Dreams.  Dreams play a huge role in my recovery and ongoing thriving with bipolar.  By having dreams, thinking them up with my creative mind, I can get through any kind of boring drudgery.  By knowing my dreams I can hang on no matter what when things are dark inside me.  By hanging on to these dreams through struggling times, when the road clears a bit I’ve been able to make progress and live in them because I know what I want before the opportunity shows up.  I don’t hesitate when a dream opportunity shows up, because I remember all the times in mental hell when all I could think about was that dream.  I think I’ve experienced, lived inside actual dreams of mine so many times, because I am bipolar.  Because I’ve created and wanted them so bad, because things didn’t go so well for so many years, I had coiled a lot of energy inside me to really go for it with nothing to lose, when a dream showed up.  If things always went ho hum or comfortably or my mind just went about it’s merry way throughout life, would I go for it when dreams arrived?  Either way I am deeply grateful for the whole process.  And today, I’m quietly giggling because I know spirit will allow me to create my next set of dreams in a way that serves a greater purpose of good then I can imagine.  Bipolar, because of a racing mind, active imagination, ability to live in a dream before they are real, are all gifts and an opportunity to live a very full life.

Letting Growth Happen

5 09 2009

Letting others I care about suffer, while I can see possibilities for them, sucks.  It is a surefire opportunity to let myself get angry upset depressed, which always leads to being numb and distracted if I don’t deal with it.  There are times when I’ve been able to witness my bipolar skills be of service to improving the quality, direction, or motivation of anothers life, there are times when the only thing I can do is let spirit step in without my interference and grace happens.  Being the natural Mr. Fixit/Mother Hen that I am this drives me nuts.

What I see over time, is that life is a series of choices.  The gift of freedom, is the opportunity to make all these decisions for better or for worse with the opportunities we are are presented with, and those we are able to create along the way.

Recently spirit has allowed me to walk along side someone as they worked through a drought of finances, health issues, and future possibilities.  I was in a situation were all I could do was witness, affirm spirit’s grace, and listen.  The other day a saw this person again, and they had quite  successfully crossed the desert in their life and were doing quite well again.   I need these reminders, because I was not elected King at any point that I can remember and I certainly don’t have any blank checks to fix anything.

I share this because I am reminding myself today that grace happens, inspite of my worry, and I’m witnesing some loved ones walk through some dark challenges again.  Even though I can’t see the positive resolution right now, I know growth is happening not only for them but for me as well.  The more I let go, and let spirit happen in this particular situation, I know a better outcome then I could have imagined is possible.

Praying for our loved ones,


a Monday Happy

31 08 2009

Why are you so happy George?  What could possibly be so good about a Monday morning?  I’m ecstatic, calmly mellowly, ecstatic.  I got up and did my daily routine, “Hey guess what I’m bipolar, so what look at all the good things I can do right now to go in a positive direction today”  pg 96 Living Out Of Darkness.

Today I wave my magic wand and wish everyone that wanted to experience a positive moment in bipolar to enjoy this peaceful bliss, unrelated to any events around me.  Because our interior events can be so contrary to exterior events, over time it can become a freedom.  Much stigmatism and media drama is attached to negative blow outs of bipolar people.  This is unfortunate because there are numerous other moments, people, experiences in/with bipolar that are pleasant, functional, and actually quite useful and productive.  Because I tackled my distractions, moodiness and negative trend that I was on last week, I’m currently on a gradual up swing.  I’m not running around naked or dancing in the fountains(ok once when I was in college, self-medication may have been a contributing factor), I am pleasantly enjoying a day.

It just happens to be Monday.  So What.  I got up, I did my daily routine, and there was no backlog of unresolved issues from yesterday to deal with.  So the positive energy and connection with spirit I generated this morning carried through in my first interactions with people today.  The weather is horrid, yet I’m sunny inside.  I’ve found this to be true many times.  My interior attitude can often be opposite of apparent circumstances.  I’ve been happy when I’m broke and sad when I’m rich and it’s sunny.

If I chose to be positive, it is easy to nudge myself in this direction, over time, over years, with patience, my muscles to be happy have strengthened.  When I’m done with being negative, unhappy, stressed, avoiding life(Which I’m excellent at by the way), then I can move on gently quietly and happily.  No big news flash, just quietly enjoying the deep calm which is available at times with bipolar today.

Happy Hugs


Why Journal/blog?

30 08 2009

“Believe it or not there is more room on the outside of our brains then there is on the inside.”

pg 31 of my book “Living Out Of Darkness,” by George Denslow.

For years I’ve journaled  “old school” style paper and pen.  Started when I was 16, working at a car wash trying to keep a roof over my head, food in my belly, and drag my butt through high school.  I was also initiating my drug habit.  Add a dose of teenage angst, and walla, the pages filled.  I shutter when I think of the dark times I struggled through.  I am grateful each day I take a moment to realize some grace was looking over me and kept me alive.

Even though I didn’t know it at the time, I was beginning a mental health history and developing awareness of my challenges.  Getting it out of my head, the good the bad the boring the inane and the ugly are all good.  If my head is spinning a broken record all day, it’s easy to keep the water muddy and not see below the surface.  Like today, I’m dancing around all over the place with no coherent thoughts that I can decifer yet.  But the longer I write the more I can sense an angst and a grief  looming.  I’m growing.  Yes I’m actually in the act of growing right now.  This step for me is huge, publish my inner ramblings on line instantly?  Talk about bipolar to whoever may listen?  Are you kidding me?  What if what I say is huge powerful and uplifting, what if people fall asleep?  The fact of showing our insides in a format we feel comfortable with, wether it be paper and pen, a text, twit, blog, or microphone keeps our minds flowing.  Because i’ve exposed today that I’m uncomfortable sharing unknown deep swirling feelings, will help me stay alert of a potential downward swing.  It would be easy to find an excuse to get angry dark moody, avoid people, find a cave and crawl in.  It would be easy to have my buttons pushed, get pissed off and storm out.  These dark and swirly days are good indicators if I allow myself a moment to sit, feel, and breathe, a healing insight is present.  Breathing is actually the tool I’ve used today so far to not get upset in my interactions with others.  I breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, and breathe out for 4.  I’ve been doing this for a couple hours now, when ever I remember.  I can tell that’s it’s helping.  Will I have a blow out today?  Will I have a huge insight?  Will I numb out and distract myself?  Time will tell, chances are since I’ve taken the cork off the bottle of my brain, and attempted to share my inner world of bipolar today, it will go much better then If I had just clammed up and avoided life.

May the divine giggle find a way into your grin today : >


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