Focus

16 11 2009

Fast.

Bipolar fast, can be fun, if I’m prepared. I knew I would be walking into a fast day today, so I took a moment to be prepared.  Many fun and exciting things are happening as well as regular obligations I need to take care of.  I don’t really have a lot of time for idleness(one of my favorite past times).  What I’ve noticed is that it is easy for manic to kick in, ramp up the volume in my head and go way faster then is necessary.  I can also work fast, turn on idle chatter or narration, or connect with everyone, or comment on everything, or make jokes,  while I work.  Today, these are not helpful.

The biggest tool I use today, is focus.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the biggest priority.  Not 1 hr or 1 day from now, not what happened five minutes ago.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the current priority.

If I don’t know, I pause, breathe, think if I am thinking clearly, or write if I’m not.  Regain my focus and then launch again.

I also went to bed early, got up an hour earlier, and was sure to put on happy dance music straight up to get my mind in a fun flow.  I didn’t even give it a chance to think about the dramas and tribulations that occurred yesterday from travel.  I just got up, danced, and jumped into my day.

Now let’s back up; before I was willing able and aware of nurturing, taking care of and allowing my bipolar, I would have had a major blow out by now, been in full dark victim mode, possibly paralyzed in anxiety darkness or negativity overwhelmed in my chair, phone ringing, people trying to get a hold of me bigger mess building up, etc.

By purging yesterday, as best I could last night, and waking up gently today, observing my thoughts and injecting positive affirmations before my eyes even opened, I already had a head start.

The difference between dark victim mode, and ok let’s dance with this day mode, are actually fairly simple.  It’s more of a choice actually.  Yesterday in the middle of travel drama I was down a bit.  I picked up my positive daily reader, read a passage, and thought about it for 15 minutes before a flight, instead of allowing the negative spiral take me down.

Today I am grateful for being bipolar, because I was down, so hard, so long, for so many years, that because I am intimately  familiar with negative darkness in my mind, I’m much more able to quickly identify, and counteract the pattern, before it becomes disruptive.

Is being bipolar intense?  Yes.  At times.  It’s also a lot of fun to  have so many options and ways of tackling problems situations and opportunities.  Today, because of learning to be functional and having an awesome highly technical challenging job which can take me in many directions at once, I know, if I stay positive and functional, I’ll dance through just fine, and probably be able to accomplish a lot more, then if I wasn’t blessed with bipolar.

gotta go, big quick hug, peace,

George





Potty Brain

15 11 2009

I have potty brain.  To open minded men, (and of course women already know this), WE, as in the male race, have periods.  More importantly, I am having mine.  Pass the chocolate, send me to a spa, and please shut up and listen.  Ahh, I feel better already.

I wrote a blog at my last layover(1000 words) and decided it was total crap, and sent it to a dear friend.(I hope she deletes it, I forgot to write that in the subject line, sometimes I just need to send my mental crap to someone who will laugh and not take it as seriously as I am in the current moment)

I got on the plane and thought hmm.  What is going on?  Other then the fact I feel bloated fat uncomfortable restless upset and slightly pissed off at nothing, I’m FINE KEEP THE CHOCOLATE COMING.

When I’m quiet, I’m not always peaceful.  When I’m quiet, busy, and not communicating with people, uh, Houston, a problem is brewing.

A)  I can ignore it, and watch my mouth or my actions get me into big trouble soon.

B)  I can let myself become aware of it(like trying to write a blog instead of writing a rant)

Writing is my number one tool for dealing with bipolar today.  Write, Write, Write.  The reason is, I’m quiet, moody, haven’t been having real conversations with people lately, and I can feel my ears becoming horns, and my smile becoming a grumpy snarl.

By writing out a blog, erasing it, writing out another, erasing it, and finally taking an hour to perfect a “justified” anger blog/rant, I realized, I was way behind on writing.

When things are going well, I sometimes cut back on my daily routine a bit.  I’ll rely on a quick prayer, meditation, and reading a spiritual thing or too.  I usually cutback on writing about what ever is going on with me, this is when the yellow caution light on the control panel in my brain needs to start blinking.  Silly me, thinking I’m in charge, knowing what is best and when it is supposed to happen, and don’t need to bother dwelling within.  OOOOPS!  Nice try George, better luck next time.

This is when my shit shelf, starts to collect unresolved issues,

which start to simmer and boil until a perfectly good innocent:  target/issue/cause/moment/person/frustration, allows me to spark an eruption.

With any kind of luck, I became aware of this one soon enough so that I can write out everything that is bugging and upsetting me, call someone who cares enough and knows me enough to listen, and not let me get away with thinking I am a victim, and be ok again.  It’s not complicated, it just takes practice and willingness to allow myself to become aware of when something is off, and wanting to do something about it before I make a mess.

Thank you for helping me with my potty brain today, and sorry if I ate all your chocolate, I’ll be good for it next time you need some ; / }.

Now, WHERE is the nearest spa, I need a massage.

George





NOW, or later

8 11 2009

Impulsive get r done, or pause, prepare, act with assurance.

Gentleness with one’s soul, allowing the simmer to distill the essence of one’s next move.

Let life ripen and then fall, will is not the way at all.

Rush rush get it done move on.

I like gentle now.  I used to be so impatient to get it done get on to the next thing or bored in need of excitement or afraid if I didn’t now then never.

I also used to be extremely anxious a majority of the time and not even know what anxious was.

I used to be an ongoing ball of chaos.  Nerry a room I left twitch wasn’t a bigger mess then whence I entered.

Breathing, slowing doing, tackling chaos, one aspect of my life at a time, has led to a deeper and deeper stillness, I am hugely grateful for.

A friend of mine and I were discussing dating.  AAAAAGH shut up George, you know how I hate talking about this! (yes but George we are committed to sharing this bipolar experience, and relationships and dating is all part of it right, RIGHT George?)shheeeeeesh, mumbles George.

Playing devil’s advocate my friend then said, why don’t you just go on a bunch of dates and see what happens.

Immediately I thought wow that sounds exciting and scary.  Which at times is a good indicator of something I ought to consider.

But then a gentler guiet more peaceful still voice spoke up and said.  I’d rather be as prepared and lined up as I can be first.  There is some personal business I would like to take care of first.

He laughed, you have no idea what’s going to happen you can’t prepare away life.

I said,Well, you are right, and I have sucessfully jumped in blind to a lot of situations in life, and had mixed results.  I’ve also slowed down a lot, sorted out everything I can first, and then glided into situations with less chaos energy inside.

I went on, and my theory is, if I have less chaos running around inside me, then maybe I’ll attract someone with less chaos in them, and I’ll be better able to enjoy the results.

My body at that point voted by releasing a big sigh, and took a deep breath. This is an indicator of truth for me.  When my body automatically relaxes, I know, I’ve discovered a truth.

With so much chaos availible from rhythms and dealing with subsequent chaos in life with bipolar,  I like to give myself a chance now, to be as prepared and calm, before I start a project, rather then jumping in both feet the split second I think of it or someone suggests or dares me.

The gentler path may not be as enticing sometimes, and quiet stillness can stir up internal uncomfortableness, yet I find the solitude that does occur between the bouts of not liking me, refreshing.

Breathing deeply and gratefully today,

George





Toolbox time.

24 10 2009

Once I know my feet are on earth or I’m slightly below the surface of the water and my mood starts to shift towards staring at the dark cave, I know it is decision time.  Gratefully I am able to be aware when this shift occurs.  Years of meditations, and many sucessfully failed experiements in completely ignoring what is really going on in my head.

So grumpy boy woke up today immediately said I no wanna, and would have prefered to stay under covers in an awesome fort.

I also observed upset at the newspaper(not a good thing to read on grumpy days, or ever), and eager particpation in the drama club lately.

Drama club?  It’s what I call the group that loves to discuss all the crap they feel victim to.  I’m a card carrying member.  They occur at break tables, water coolers, coffee rooms, you name it.  Cheese is usually served to go with the whine.

When I notice I’ve sought out, created, or otherwise manifested drama players in an agreement council, it is,

toolbox time.

Am I going to waddle around with my diaper full at my ankles crying about life.  Or am I going to put my big boy pants on and grab my toolbox of ideas, to help shift my mood.

hmmm.(we pause here and put on some game show music so the contestant(me) can decide which way this particular day is going to go)

… thank you for holding, we will now continue…

OK.

Creeeeek. (sound of tool box opening)

HEY LOOK, my fake it till I make it badge.  I flip it over on the back it says, paint on a smile, be enthusiastic, and fake it till I feel happy. Hmm, this is kind of a fun one and I remember lots of good results, oh what the heck I’ll try it.

OH Heck, my easy and brilliant badge fell off again, I know that one has been working very well lately, I’ll try it too.

So here I declare, How easy and BRILLIANT can this most awesome of days be?

OOOPs, I almost forgot(this is actually getting kind of fun), my gratitude list, dang I haven’t updated it yet today, WOW, I like this toolbox.

Ok ready set, I’m armed and ready to have a fun, day.

Off I go…

George





Grounded Grandiosity

22 09 2009

It’s been fun watching myself stress out lately.  ?  Yep.  Inside me there is a core, a deep core of peace.  Attached from the bottom of this sea buoy of me in my life is a chord to a mission, a purpose, a vision, a reason for being.  The experts call this visions of grandiosity.  Yep, that’s me.  Always have been a visionary.

Inspite of my downs, inspite of my nuerosis between the ears at times, inside me, long ago, I made peace with what I wanted to do in this life and how.  I am grateful for this.  As the waters are turbulent bringing the current details of my dreams to reality, I forget this sometimes.  Because I seek the spiritual truths, the questions, because I feel destroyed, humbled(not humble), on a regular basis, I also realign myself with truth.  What is really going on, what am I really freaked out about what can I actually do next in this moment to improve the situation.  This is pretty normal for me.  My attention span for numbing out ignoring my life passion mission and purpose is very limited.  I observe appearently stable minded individuals ignore their life.  This is not something I can do.  When I ignore that which is needed and important, I go down fast.  Dark fast.  Because I have spent so much time in that dark chamber in my soul, it doesn’t take long to figure out something is off, I’m in need of action towards truth.

Fortunately life moves even when I’m in a cave, as I move in life, sparks occur.  A twinkle, a faint glow, a whisper of wisdom or truth.  I’ve trained my eye and aligned my life so that when the spark of vision occurs, I’m ready to grasp, hold on with all I’ve got, and run towards it as best I can.  This is the miracle of the bipolar journey for me.  The spark which leads out of the current unpleasant dark states into the visions of grandeur again.  Because I’ve dedicated so much time to being functional with my visionary states, they become grounded and real, time and again.  This is the journey, the juice, that which I am so grateful for to be bipolar.  Going down, being down, dark miserable is no fun, but grabbing the chord of truth leading into the light, and working the visions into tangible realities is the joy.

“Passion and truth are like food and water for a bipolar person. Without them, we are lost or numb. We really can check out any time we want, blow a gasket going too high, or sink into the dirt, lost forever. But if we stay connected with planet Earth and this life, with what we can do right here, right now, then we can have a reason to hang out for longer periods of time in the middle ground.”, George Denslow





Breathe on the inside

21 09 2009

“Why could I possibly be having a bad day on a day like today?”  pg 60 of my book Living Out Of Darkness.

Bipolar is so much easier when I’m in the smooth flow and things are going great.  Why can’t I be this way all the time.  Why? Why?  Why?  That’s the weird thing.  Things are going great, yet I wake up moody, grumpy, and unmotivated.  Is this common?  According to some stats yes.  Options are to fight the blues, do the routine, and be grateful for obligations which help get us going and back in the flow.  Darkness is so much easier to ignore when we are busy.

Why not just figure it out?  Well that’s a good question pilgrim, I’ll just get out my handy dandy journal and write it out.

A friend of mine once said he actually found the end of the internet and printed out a certificate(his job was even more extremely boring then mine at times).

Days like today, I think blah blah blah.  Same roots different layers of the onions, or different spiral on the staircase, view on the trail going around the mountain.

My success tip of the day.  Baby steps.  My homework assignment, watch “All About Bob”, again.  He was a total neurotic that used baby steps in order to get out of his house, going on a trip, and succeed in life, inspite of the space between his ears.  I watch this movie when I get like this.  Baby steps.  Pack up computer, get to car, go to coffee store.  Expose your inner neurotic tight rope walking self.  Is a holistic bipolar experience easy.  NOPE.

This would be a good ad placement opportunity for the latest miracle cure in a pill.

Alas.  I’m way to independent, have chalked up to many victories/experiences, to being my whole neurotic chemical free self to worry about have comfortable feeling days inside myself.  These happen.  So what.  Good days, distractions, obligations are coming, and if my past several days or weeks is any indicator I could be blissed out on gratitude for life real quick(and those moments don’t get advertised enough).  Could I just have my highs and let go of the lows?, would I, probably, but how would I know so well the experience of calm peace flow gratitude for basic sanity if I didn’t have days of total dark blah?

This is the gift.  I wade through the muck, and the sun will soon shine again.

Peace out

George





Surf Sessions

18 09 2009

It’s a new day, a new place, and an awesome cup a coffee.

A good friend of mine pointed out the other day that maybe I was cravin a bit of Adventure.

The first day I timidly took my moody self on a slightly adventurous road trip and discovered several awesome really cool new places near my house and some very peaceful places to pull over be mellow and enjoy nature.

I woke up again yesterday and realized I’ve got something going on deep inside me that hasn’t risen to the surface yet.  I pay attention to these bubbles because I know from experience if I avoid them, then a deep dark trigger, runaway high is just around the corner, not a natural visionary high but a run run escape be high avoid growth type which can turn very negative.

When I deal with these rumblings inside me, I need to sit and listen.  Sometimes being in my quiet safe house is healthy and I work through it.  Sometimes it becomes isolation and avoidance as well.

This time I chose the road trip cure.  Since my income is not attached to a local, I can work anywhere with wi fi, I loaded up and went for a cruise to a state park I haven’t visit yet.

Letting myself enjoy the day of new sights smells and vistas is usually always a good way for me to gently probe on the back burners of my mind.

In the midst of processing the current what ever it is that’s showing up, I’m having an awesome day.

A new beach, new smells, interesting people, a great little coffee shop, and nothing like fresh Atlantic sea air.

Every now and then a deep spontaneous sigh has come through me, and my body relaxes just a little more, and I can tell my mind is slowing and being a little ok for a moment as well.  Is it easy? Not really, would I rather take a pill and fix it? Not really.

My intuition tells me it is accumulated stress from making so many leaps with my dreams, not having everything figured out, and just flat out going for it and saying yes.  I have many gambles in the air right now.  I’m reaching out more then I ever have to offer who and what I am as a source of good.

So I also hear the gentle voice inside me say, it’s ok to sit.  It’s ok to meditate, it’s ok to ask spirit to help.

It’s also ok to be nervous excited and happy to be see experience long term go-alls come to fruition.

Balance.  Time to sit, time to wag my tail, time to let go let spirit.

Being in a dream, with my toes in the surf;

George








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