Shift Happens!

21 05 2016

Shift Happened! At The Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel this week!

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Alan Cohen’s Advanced Life Coaching Tribe gathered and created a lot of shift.
Good Shift. We shifted up, downloaded gems from teachers all over the world, and shared our life coaching skill sets with each other from all walks of life and geographic locations on the planet. And what a place to experience teachings, renewal, and to practice the life coaching skill set.

I haven’t experienced anything like this in over 5 years, and let’s just say my spiritual batteries disintegrated a bit back, yet somehow got me signed up, through my mind ego fear long enough to show up and participate. And I am so grateful!

Hawaii has a tradition of cities of refuge, for me, any Alan Cohen retreat, especially on the island of Hawaii, is just that.

If you are struggling with your spiritual connection and life “opportunities”, I could never recommend enough the need to connect with a spiritual tribe, and the chance to develop skill sets and connections with like minded individuals.

I can assure you, I never done it perfectly, become enlightened, left the darkness behind, but I have All WAYS, no matter how lost I’ve become in life, found renewal and hope. At times I’ve stayed connected, at times I’ve drifted, each develops a strength.

The biggest shift I received this week, was hope. It was also that which I needed the most.

Thank you Alan, and thank you Alan’s Tribe, for helping me seep back into light, again.





Choosing Sanity

2 02 2016

?me, choose sanity?? but but i’m working up a good crazy here why would I calm down and choose sanity???

Yesterday I had a mini blow out at work. The preverbal help request call came from an offsite location for a type of instrument I haven’t worked on much which means learning curve yet I was covering an entirely different position because we have two people on a 6 position crew out on medical. And as usual management doesn’t back fill, and oil prices are low I don’t want to rock the boat, no no I can do it all yes sir no sir, 3rd shift in a row i’m in ops instead maintenance and BING!

My brain melts. I”m all about crisis management, it’s what I grew up in, how my brain developed, etc. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA.

yuck

Fortunately, for many many years, I’ve been studying, and carefully practicing, applying;
… a very foreign concept at first.

SANITY.

YES, HELL YES…saner, yes please, thank you, breathe.

So I had my mini melt down, turned over my second set of job duties and went back to my regular job duties to begin catching up on the huge backlog.

and of course my brain decides i’m a horrible person because i’m not superman and can’t do everything because …..snip.

Finally, a calm inner voice of sanity kicks in.

Good Job George, you chose sanity today.

but but it didn’t feel sane when I did it. It was messy and uncomfortable.

yes, well your normal is crazy, and sanity sometimes feels really weird.

yet it happened. and hey guess what? today i am feeling calmer and more functional and not doing a crappy job covering two positions and quickly escalating to a bigger blow out.

wow.

You mean it is ok to back off and choose sanity?

yup.





Bubble Wrap

30 01 2016

Cavities occasionally yawn open in my emotions and the past overwhelms me. I’m constantly fascinated by so many things like brain plasticity studies positive parenting practices. Nature verse nurture, new age. As well as vacuuming stories from the media like a couple found star wars music calmed their baby. I also go thru long stretches with complete blissful internal ignorance. If I’m sleeping ok/good, and functioning in my daily life, I pretty much can forget their appears to be a bipolar wrecking ball in my head. So when I get deep into a functional “normal” groove, I forget my past, until a trigger arrives.

Bubble Wrap.

I gotta do a safety presentation at work tomorrow, and we recently had to tour a bunch of cubicle dwelling engineers-spatial genius/real life idiots thru our industrial multi life safety hazard work environment. Like grabbing their shoulder and pulling them back from a ladder when they suddenly decide to stop and take a note, 12 feet up, etc.

So I coined a new term for them. Bubble wrap specials, it will be the topic for the safety meeting.

Meanwhile, a calm moment going thru engineer manuals for an upcoming design review in their cubicle world next week, an emotional unhealed cavity erupted.

If I got nothing to say or write, I pretty much let life be.

But if something new stirs up, well, I’m bubbling it.

My experience with un healed past experiences, is to slow the roll, and feel it carefully, so as not to destroy my present good.

In the past, i’ve let the past toss the boat, blow up my day, make everyone(who is clueless) pay, etc.

So I felt it a bit, acknowledged oh yeah that’s a stinky mental emotional bomb, and bubbled it. Ok yeah, when my shift is done, the right moment arrives, I will ball my eyes out. I’ll come up with affirmations, gratitudes, reframes, the full meal deal.

What I don’t have to do, is shut everything down, blow everything out, cause mass chaos and compound the problem.

The reality is, my day is really good. I’m pretty lucky. I did survive a lot of darkness in my past, did it cause bipolar tendencies? Who knows. What matters is that my life is functional today, I am aware of how grateful I am, and I don’t have to keep destroying the fruit of my positive choices that have accumulated good things and experiences over time.

Today my tool for coping with ugliness is bubble wrap.





Goofy Gratitude

27 11 2015

IMG_6587A while back I strode into a bicycle store with the intention of acquiring a practical bike I had been obsessively researching online. I wished to have gears to take advantage of occasional tail winds and gentle hills for riding to and from the local market. As all good plans seem to evade me I open the store door and giggled. Next thing I knew I was astride a completely goofy unnecessary impractical bike. Thankfully my logical brain took over and acquired a practical bike and went about my business.

In cleaning out a garage closet this weekend, I giggled again. Somehow the practical bike, in pristine condition except for the copious amounts of dust, slightly dissembled, had been carefully and logically placed in a closet out of the way several years ago. Because I ride the goofy bike that makes me laugh every time I ride it, I think i’m really cool, and people smile.

Yup, I usefully purchased the practical bike, and left it in a closet, and have riden a thousand memories on the fun bike. Blew out a tire, soaked in salt water, mud and sand, taken it all over the state camping oh yeah!

I am grateful for all the amusing goofy bipolar people on this planet. You make me smile, and encourage me to seek amusement in all things.





Full Range Human

6 11 2015

IMG_5898I’m done with bipolar. It’s a term I didn’t choose, but I learned to accept over time because it was a reference point for the experiences I was having.

First and foremost I am human.

I also experience like a shark in constant motion to be able to breathe, energy.

I am a full range constant mental/intuition/energy/heart human.

Traditionally as bipolar, I am labelled with delusions of grandeur, hate it.

I’ve allowed it to crush my visions so many times.

Currently I’ve been attempting to crush the audio recording I’ve been struggling with.

A moment of silence and the old and familiar societal label for my ideas and theories of bipolar bubbles up, delusions of grandeur.

I object your honor. What do you call great artists, actors, leaders, inventors, comedians, that do inspiring work AND just happen to be bipolar, are they delusions of grandeur? Where would we be as humans, with out all of the successful bipolar individuals who wrought through their internal strife to deliver us their vision?

Full range human- My brain, intuitive vision, my spirit connection, my heart, my soul- FULL Range, are a lot to deal with in a tiny homogenized 40 hour productive world.

So I’m giving myself and every other full range human kudos today. Yes, we are here, we experience a lot on many levels 24/7. Some of us are dangerous, some of us are intense, some of us appear to be functional, some of us create what can be seen, ALL of us experience much more then just swings.

When things are going well, which is often a very delicate balance at best, we are incredible.





Buddha Hybrid Obsession

16 10 2015

ImageI’m stressed, been stressed for awhile and it turned to misery. Thank GOD!, one of the benefits for me with bipolar is my lack of inhibition at times when i’m not being a control freak about my words is just saying it. This sucks and this is why. I’m unhappy because…, or i’m really miserable and have been for awhile. I finally got to a bottom about a week ago in the middle of a vacation. Ideal setting, time off from work, but it was only the motions of a vacation, I was miserable. Life events are occurring, of which I am wholly unqualified, and incapable of altering. Unresolved shit from my past is rehashing, reconnecting etc, ad nauseoum yep you guessed it DNA donors(family of origin) are beginning their transitions, slowly.

So all the crap from my past is in my face daily, emotionally, and it’s slow. I suck at slow. Give me a vision, an action step. So events are unfolding, the past is erupting, and I’m miserable.

Ok fine George, it’s new hairy and scary and old, deal with it!

A voice from the beginning of my bipolar recovery said, get on with dying, or get on with living.

I look up from my couch and stare at these things in my living room, I have a lot of them because I feel calmer(I have in the past) being around their images. Hmm, I haven’t felt calm in awhile, what are these things.

Buddha’s, hmm, you know I don’t think ever really studied buddhism much, it’s fall, I usually start studying something.

So I check my smart phone and sure enough not only is there a book on Buddhism, it’s audio!

Yeah, double bonus, so I listen to it. Wow, the voice , tone and messaging didn’t annoy me further, cool.

So in typical obsessive George fashion, I’ve listened to it obsessively while I fall asleep and obsess about it during the day, and boiled it down to this.

observe, breathe(pay attention to sensation of breathe on nostrils), then mind will wander and repeat.

Never being satisfied with 2500 year old wisdom and technique, I added my own from a guided meditation I recorded years ago,

observe the mind, feel the breathe on nostrils, then see if can feel my own pulse and heartbeat.

Then my mind went whamo yeah! Every human has a heart. Every human I’m miserable with or about, is in a drama, then I feel my breathe, listen for my heartbeat, and repeat.

Guess what? For a week I’ve been doing this, and I feel calmer, been actually getting good sleep, and here is why I blogged today(thanks for being patient)

Once I got into the meditation deep enough and my mind paused long enough, answers to my obsessive misery came, and I was released!





Authority Issues

14 09 2015

…I’m a major control freak. guess where the two meet?…work

yup, summer manic cure all crazy season is over, snow is creeping down the mountains, it’s getting darker, and I hate my job.

In the past, I allowed my bipolar to run unchecked with this wa wa, and quit got fired or run far far away.

today; I chose to sit in my sh*t until I FEEL, what’s really going on.

I hate all bosses, supervisors, lead techs, older people, smarter people, arrogant people, etc ad nauseous.

yup, i’m a control freak. I used to judge myself about this until I realized it’s better to be a control freak, and micro manage my world inside and out to the best of my ability, then to act out.

I’m also not a full time control freak, and I don’t always hate my job and all people.

When I’m in the middle of a funk or tuning ramping up for a good old blow out, I still have choices and options. One of which is to stop, sit in my sh*t, write, read, breathe, walk, etc. And give it a little time, until the onion of me, cracks a new stinky layer.

This is how I heal over time.

Today- I can see that being a worker bee, I often need to be smarter then the task at hand and my bosses, but I have to be humble enough to not get fired. If I were to be a boss, I would have an excuse to let my ego run the show, and not have to be as smart.

so by staying in the ranks, being a worker bee, I get to be smart, and eat lots of humble pie.

I don’t like humble pie, because I have experienced so much humiliation and frustration with bipolar my entire life, internally and externally.

Yet today, I can see where being in a situation, where continually learning humility, is helping me to keep my ego/bipolar in check.

so today, (please don’t tell my boss or all other aforementioned people) I’m grateful for the opportunity learn humility so that I can continue to heal and let go of humiliation.








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