Bubble Wrap

30 01 2016

Cavities occasionally yawn open in my emotions and the past overwhelms me. I’m constantly fascinated by so many things like brain plasticity studies positive parenting practices. Nature verse nurture, new age. As well as vacuuming stories from the media like a couple found star wars music calmed their baby. I also go thru long stretches with complete blissful internal ignorance. If I’m sleeping ok/good, and functioning in my daily life, I pretty much can forget their appears to be a bipolar wrecking ball in my head. So when I get deep into a functional “normal” groove, I forget my past, until a trigger arrives.

Bubble Wrap.

I gotta do a safety presentation at work tomorrow, and we recently had to tour a bunch of cubicle dwelling engineers-spatial genius/real life idiots thru our industrial multi life safety hazard work environment. Like grabbing their shoulder and pulling them back from a ladder when they suddenly decide to stop and take a note, 12 feet up, etc.

So I coined a new term for them. Bubble wrap specials, it will be the topic for the safety meeting.

Meanwhile, a calm moment going thru engineer manuals for an upcoming design review in their cubicle world next week, an emotional unhealed cavity erupted.

If I got nothing to say or write, I pretty much let life be.

But if something new stirs up, well, I’m bubbling it.

My experience with un healed past experiences, is to slow the roll, and feel it carefully, so as not to destroy my present good.

In the past, i’ve let the past toss the boat, blow up my day, make everyone(who is clueless) pay, etc.

So I felt it a bit, acknowledged oh yeah that’s a stinky mental emotional bomb, and bubbled it. Ok yeah, when my shift is done, the right moment arrives, I will ball my eyes out. I’ll come up with affirmations, gratitudes, reframes, the full meal deal.

What I don’t have to do, is shut everything down, blow everything out, cause mass chaos and compound the problem.

The reality is, my day is really good. I’m pretty lucky. I did survive a lot of darkness in my past, did it cause bipolar tendencies? Who knows. What matters is that my life is functional today, I am aware of how grateful I am, and I don’t have to keep destroying the fruit of my positive choices that have accumulated good things and experiences over time.

Today my tool for coping with ugliness is bubble wrap.





Goofy Gratitude

27 11 2015

IMG_6587A while back I strode into a bicycle store with the intention of acquiring a practical bike I had been obsessively researching online. I wished to have gears to take advantage of occasional tail winds and gentle hills for riding to and from the local market. As all good plans seem to evade me I open the store door and giggled. Next thing I knew I was astride a completely goofy unnecessary impractical bike. Thankfully my logical brain took over and acquired a practical bike and went about my business.

In cleaning out a garage closet this weekend, I giggled again. Somehow the practical bike, in pristine condition except for the copious amounts of dust, slightly dissembled, had been carefully and logically placed in a closet out of the way several years ago. Because I ride the goofy bike that makes me laugh every time I ride it, I think i’m really cool, and people smile.

Yup, I usefully purchased the practical bike, and left it in a closet, and have riden a thousand memories on the fun bike. Blew out a tire, soaked in salt water, mud and sand, taken it all over the state camping oh yeah!

I am grateful for all the amusing goofy bipolar people on this planet. You make me smile, and encourage me to seek amusement in all things.





Full Range Human

6 11 2015

IMG_5898I’m done with bipolar. It’s a term I didn’t choose, but I learned to accept over time because it was a reference point for the experiences I was having.

First and foremost I am human.

I also experience like a shark in constant motion to be able to breathe, energy.

I am a full range constant mental/intuition/energy/heart human.

Traditionally as bipolar, I am labelled with delusions of grandeur, hate it.

I’ve allowed it to crush my visions so many times.

Currently I’ve been attempting to crush the audio recording I’ve been struggling with.

A moment of silence and the old and familiar societal label for my ideas and theories of bipolar bubbles up, delusions of grandeur.

I object your honor. What do you call great artists, actors, leaders, inventors, comedians, that do inspiring work AND just happen to be bipolar, are they delusions of grandeur? Where would we be as humans, with out all of the successful bipolar individuals who wrought through their internal strife to deliver us their vision?

Full range human- My brain, intuitive vision, my spirit connection, my heart, my soul- FULL Range, are a lot to deal with in a tiny homogenized 40 hour productive world.

So I’m giving myself and every other full range human kudos today. Yes, we are here, we experience a lot on many levels 24/7. Some of us are dangerous, some of us are intense, some of us appear to be functional, some of us create what can be seen, ALL of us experience much more then just swings.

When things are going well, which is often a very delicate balance at best, we are incredible.





Buddha Hybrid Obsession

16 10 2015

ImageI’m stressed, been stressed for awhile and it turned to misery. Thank GOD!, one of the benefits for me with bipolar is my lack of inhibition at times when i’m not being a control freak about my words is just saying it. This sucks and this is why. I’m unhappy because…, or i’m really miserable and have been for awhile. I finally got to a bottom about a week ago in the middle of a vacation. Ideal setting, time off from work, but it was only the motions of a vacation, I was miserable. Life events are occurring, of which I am wholly unqualified, and incapable of altering. Unresolved shit from my past is rehashing, reconnecting etc, ad nauseoum yep you guessed it DNA donors(family of origin) are beginning their transitions, slowly.

So all the crap from my past is in my face daily, emotionally, and it’s slow. I suck at slow. Give me a vision, an action step. So events are unfolding, the past is erupting, and I’m miserable.

Ok fine George, it’s new hairy and scary and old, deal with it!

A voice from the beginning of my bipolar recovery said, get on with dying, or get on with living.

I look up from my couch and stare at these things in my living room, I have a lot of them because I feel calmer(I have in the past) being around their images. Hmm, I haven’t felt calm in awhile, what are these things.

Buddha’s, hmm, you know I don’t think ever really studied buddhism much, it’s fall, I usually start studying something.

So I check my smart phone and sure enough not only is there a book on Buddhism, it’s audio!

Yeah, double bonus, so I listen to it. Wow, the voice , tone and messaging didn’t annoy me further, cool.

So in typical obsessive George fashion, I’ve listened to it obsessively while I fall asleep and obsess about it during the day, and boiled it down to this.

observe, breathe(pay attention to sensation of breathe on nostrils), then mind will wander and repeat.

Never being satisfied with 2500 year old wisdom and technique, I added my own from a guided meditation I recorded years ago,

observe the mind, feel the breathe on nostrils, then see if can feel my own pulse and heartbeat.

Then my mind went whamo yeah! Every human has a heart. Every human I’m miserable with or about, is in a drama, then I feel my breathe, listen for my heartbeat, and repeat.

Guess what? For a week I’ve been doing this, and I feel calmer, been actually getting good sleep, and here is why I blogged today(thanks for being patient)

Once I got into the meditation deep enough and my mind paused long enough, answers to my obsessive misery came, and I was released!





Authority Issues

14 09 2015

…I’m a major control freak. guess where the two meet?…work

yup, summer manic cure all crazy season is over, snow is creeping down the mountains, it’s getting darker, and I hate my job.

In the past, I allowed my bipolar to run unchecked with this wa wa, and quit got fired or run far far away.

today; I chose to sit in my sh*t until I FEEL, what’s really going on.

I hate all bosses, supervisors, lead techs, older people, smarter people, arrogant people, etc ad nauseous.

yup, i’m a control freak. I used to judge myself about this until I realized it’s better to be a control freak, and micro manage my world inside and out to the best of my ability, then to act out.

I’m also not a full time control freak, and I don’t always hate my job and all people.

When I’m in the middle of a funk or tuning ramping up for a good old blow out, I still have choices and options. One of which is to stop, sit in my sh*t, write, read, breathe, walk, etc. And give it a little time, until the onion of me, cracks a new stinky layer.

This is how I heal over time.

Today- I can see that being a worker bee, I often need to be smarter then the task at hand and my bosses, but I have to be humble enough to not get fired. If I were to be a boss, I would have an excuse to let my ego run the show, and not have to be as smart.

so by staying in the ranks, being a worker bee, I get to be smart, and eat lots of humble pie.

I don’t like humble pie, because I have experienced so much humiliation and frustration with bipolar my entire life, internally and externally.

Yet today, I can see where being in a situation, where continually learning humility, is helping me to keep my ego/bipolar in check.

so today, (please don’t tell my boss or all other aforementioned people) I’m grateful for the opportunity learn humility so that I can continue to heal and let go of humiliation.





Service Out of Ego

20 06 2015

This day is about service, plane and simple. Nope, not out of the goodness of my heart. Simply out of my fear of losing room and board. When my ego mind based on past fears gets out of whack with my current employer and source of food and shelter, then it’s time to dig, dig deep. When I dig into my organic mental health tool box and i’m still pissed off and want to quit run hide thrash, and still have to be politically correct in close quarters with my co-workers on annual remedial repetitive safety training, I gotta dig deep. Not into endurance, but unseen, spiritual faith. I’ve done everything I can do today to get my mind and heart in the right direction, and yet I still feel Mr Arrogant A-blank churning and boiling in the chest. My urge my psychic warfare jerk is itching at the starting line to attack my co-workers, and shrivel them to dust with my insights.

This is bipolar haywire in the workplace. So I have a little more time before the day begins to keep digging for the gold to release my anger and frustration and help me get thru this day without destroying the good and functional parts of my life. So many times before, I’ve blown out, ignore the signs, walked away, got fired, quit, etc.

But today I keep digging. What I rediscovered a moment ago, is that my judgements boiling over, are all about past experiences, and fear of losing. I did not grow up in an intelligent friendly calm environment. I have experienced many haywire events first hand. But that gives me no right to destroy anyone else day.

It does give me an opportunity in this moment to surrender to unseen faith, that a power greater then me and my current situation, can somehow use and twist this situation into good.

What I am seeing is this day is about others, new days. Not nightmare reruns of my old days. If I can keep my ego out of the way, and find enough duct tape to keep my mind and mouth shut, and keep my body and energy in movement of serving the situation and egos outside of me, then I just might get thru, without self destruction.

Why?

Because I love and enjoy a very high percentage of my life, and I don’t want to have a temporary bad mental week, which can occur at any time and in any ideal situation, to destroy what for the most part is very doable for me.

So today, I pray, that my ego stays in a straight jacket, and my mouth goes mute, and my hands and heart lead with faith that God can help me be of service to others.

I hope to serve my way OUT of ego today.





Millennial Top Ten

10 06 2015

Top Ten reasons why I am relieved and grateful millennials are in our culture.

1)no judgement. Yup, what they say is true. No judgement. My AK sister and I have a saying “floppy headed chicken moment”, which means our mental opportunities are on full display. When I have experienced floppy headed chicken moments, in the presence of millennials, I feel no judgment. This is huge. No judgement is a vital key for me to figure out how to cope with challenging mental collisions in my head, and not zap whatever motivational energy I have left to move in a positive direction. If I’m busy judging myself for being “crazy”, then I’m less likely to create/participate in positive self care.

2) Positive Self Care. A millennial coworker arranged to get a comfy chair put in her office to create an ideal place to study. My old school xgen brain imploded (nonverbally thank god), then reframed, took a page from millennials of no judgement and thought, wow, that’s really cool, I want/need a comfy chair in my work space too, and not just for “safety” naps.

3) Curiosity. I”m old school, I love uneducated, borderline aggressive bullshit sessions at the break table, let me reframe that, I was introduced to this environment in the work place when I came up through the system, and got really good at it, therefore assumed i liked/enjoyed it. It’s finally dawned on me, old farts like me, are loudly bullshitting each other, while millennials are quietly looking up our bullshit facts and communicating with each other on their smart phone thingys. Wow! They don’t confront us, they just quietly know we are full of bullshit, and aren’t intimidated in any way, all the while connecting, communicating and supporting each other.

Ok, so I bullshitted only top 3 so far because I gotta go to work, but I just wanted to say, I”m relieved that the aggression of my mentors is retiring from the work place, and non judgmental, positive self care role models, and calm educated curious interesting individuals are replacing them.

My thought for the day, discover, enjoy, and please take a moment to learn from a millennial today. Don’t worry, if immediate old school action is needed we can still git r done, but if things are the new calm normal, then lets let them go with it, and see what they will create.

Enjoy the ride!
George





What If?

18 05 2015

WhatIf





Two Cups

9 05 2015

two coffee cups

Sometimes it takes two cups of coffee to crank the brain in the morning, ok I’ll admit it, two cups with 1/2 1/2, that is. ? Ok FINE, I confess the eating method I’ve very successfully been on for about a year limits my carbs to 1 hr a day, and cream in my coffee is limited to only 1 a day which sucks when I need 2 and is cool when I want to break the rules which is often, and yet I’m still gradually letting go of poundage, thank God. But this rambling nonsense is not what I wanted to blog about.

I’m putting it off because I’m scared. Shitless that is. I haven’t felt like writing so I’ve been reading other bipolar blogs. Here is a BIG thank you to ALL bipolar blog writers. I have one comment for all, I RESEMBLE THIS!

Ok fine, said that. Bipolar and Relationships. That’s what I’m scared shitless to write about. It’s what I purposely avoided in my book.

Thank God for other bipolar writers, because, wow, I’m alone in life, but not in community with other bloggers about the topic.

Bipolar. Maybe I should start there. The more I read about other bipolars, the more it affirms basic truths. It matters not, what path, ethnicity, gender, preference, lifestyle, economics, age etc. Bipolar is what it is. It doesn’t seem to matter if we choose medication, organic, or hybrid methods of treatment. Bipolar is a very active roller coaster ride, yes it can be smooth and boring occasionally, but we never seem to know when a normal mood is gonna go sideways fast and hold on to see where we end up.

Relationships. Honestly. I gave up years ago. A)I seem to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who end up taking advantage of me. B) I am a high maintenance freak show at times. C)I lose myself completely, and who wants to live with a subservient ghost? D) When I’m triggered off my rocker bat shit up or down crazy, 99 people out of 100 only make it worse. The one cure all I can rely on, is copious amounts of time, me, alone, nature. Preferably with access to sweating and creating. Period. That is my reset cure.

It doesn’t help that I do shift work. I’ve found remote industrial work, is a good routine for me, I’m gone for a couple weeks, and then I”m off. No matter how screwed up I get at home or work, the other is a sure fire routine for coming back on track.

So living my life alone with bipolar, sans medication, I’m quite successful. I have long term employment in a job I’ m highly suited for, I self -regulate my bipolar, and have many hobbies.

Now I feel like an embarrassed idiot, but I want truth to be shared. Yes I am living a bipolar life without meds, drugs, or alcohol. But I’m still batshit crazy at times, and just don’t seem to have relationships any where on the priority list. Every time I get involved, it ends in disaster. I concluded long ago, I am the common denominator, and yes I have dedicated decades, and thousands of dollars to therapy, workshops, ad nauseam etc.

Which leads me to the one relationship I have always relied upon. I’m not a member of any religion. But there is something unseen greater then me, I have always been able to access when I’m truly sincere, open and humble, which gives me peace, comfort, connection, and releases all fears and worries. When I truly open and ask the universe for help, I have always received whatever I truly needed in the moment. This is the connection I’ve rededicated my life to again and again, and this is what I feel like my life purpose is, to be connected, and to be available to help others who are temporarily lost, to feel connected again. This is the deepest peace I’ve discovered in my bipolar journey, I may not be connected in a traditional socially acceptable societal means with other humans, but I have plenty of time to reconnect as needed inside, with what appears to be, everything.

two coffee cups





Bobble Heads

25 04 2015

I got a new thing, I’m turning previous psychological control freaks who I’ve rented rooms for in my head into bobble heads. I wasn’t planning on this, it just sort of happened one day so I thought i would share it.
The more I slip into healthy high bipolar order, the more erosion occurs in original false info injected into my developmental psyche. Yes, I have a pretty erratic at times organic bipolar rhythm, yes I’m weird and goofy, talkative /silent, etc., the usual bipolar fair, and, continuing to discover and release, other people’s crap, injected into my head at impressionable ages, is incredibly healing.

Years ago I heard a television interview with a Hollywood star at the time who had survived early childhood trauma drama as well. Her enlightened reframe was that is was good, because early trauma survived and eventually integrated and healed can be a foundation for thriving. I’m finding this to be true. I’ve chugged along like a freight train for years, healthy daily routines, and habits to the best of my ability which is always fluctuating and doesn’t appear to be much at times, and been grateful for whatever peaceful moments, interactions, I can experience or share. So when I experience really good times like I am now, it’s like being on acid. I’m in high speed, yet somehow still functioning, and the learning curve is doubling down on healthy habits and figuring out healthy discharge for good energy. I visualize copious amounts of healing energy into the atmosphere available to whoever is willing to receive, and I feel calmer.

Off topic, anyway. I never expected to be able to see the other side of major perpetrators in my life. I always thought they would live in my head as monsters, and continue to have negative affects on my choices, reactions to stress, etc. Yet, as I experience their end game decisions, diminishing influence on other peoples lives, I’m feeling a release. May good bless them for the humans that they were, and my good bless them wherever they end up next. Thank God, I’m finally feeling forgiveness in my heart for them, and feeling the erosion of their psychic influence over me. Bobble heads yep, in my cartoon minds eye, they are now bobble heads in high chairs, adult heads filled with childish misinformed fears, in baby bodies, being fed and taken care of as they finish out their days.

May we all live thrive long enough to witness the cycle of life, erode previous monsters into bobble-heads.








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