It’s A New Day!

20 04 2015

IMG_6271The sun has come up and it’s a new day. This is day three of slowly calming down from a six week functional manic which is why I had to write about it. Previously, I thought normal was the highest level of the bipolar game I would get too. The first time I was “normal” felt really strange I was physically mentally emotionally functioning and I was concerned trying to figure out what I had done wrong and yet when I finally figured out what was going on I was actually feeling normal.

Bipolar dis-order is when we are lost or trapped inside up/down cycles that don’t function or integrate very well with life. Bipolar Order has been a long and slow journey for me. In the beginning I had to figure out how to be safely suicidal, how to not harm myself or others and be safe, the mental institution is where I rather abruptly discovered the need for that. The next level for me was learning how to be functionally depressed, keeping myself moving thru daze and not letting myself get lower than just depressed. In some ways over time depression became easier than manic because I had less energy to deal with. After many life upsets I’ve had a tendency to return to depressive states and stay there as long as I could with food or distraction in order to hide.

It was after these two phases that I discovered one day I was feeling normal and I slowly began to figure out how to be comfortable feeling functional and how to increase the amount of time that I could feel “normal”. Feeling “normal” is less drama, more function, and less sensitivity to triggers.

I love feeling calm. Anyway, I pretty much thought there was nothing more to bipolar order than riding out the cycles and getting back to normal safely. Life had become about increasing the time in normal and enjoying as best, if I could, the other extremes when then occurred, until the last six weeks. The longer I live as a bipolar person the more I’ve come to realize how uncomfortable I am with manic because of a lack of control that I feel. Things move so fast inside and out and I’m not as nice of a person, I’m fairly oblivious to other peoples feelings sometimes I can be extremely sensitive and interactive and can be of good service but not always. Usually most of the time when I’m manic its been an uncomfortable ride for me I couldn’t wait until I was feeling normal or depressed again.

So anyway this is day three of calming down from a six week very manic, highly functional period of time. About two weeks into it I was again trying to figure out what the heck I did wrong, why was I so high and then it dawned on me maybe I’m learning a higher level of functioning with bipolar. Yes my house got messy, but I was still doing basic basic sanitation, I was still managing finances, I was still completing the tasks I needed to at work, and I didn’t have any major mental and emotional social relational blowouts like I usually do when I’m that manic for that long. I’ll admit, it was getting scary and anxious at times, which were also intense, but brief. It felt like all I had was a slight influence over steerage and my foot jammed on the gas pedal. I definitely don’t have it figured out or integrated but I wanted to share with you the possibility that maybe we can, over time, become even more functional in manic phases, not just the lower realms, anyway the sun is up its a New Day.





huge know, BIGGER YES!

12 01 2015

IMG_5643From time to time in this journey I’ve chosen big knows, sometimes planned sometimes not. Either way, I check in with silence over time to sense the choice, to trust intuition. Was this or that let go a hell yes or no. Sometimes it’s a partial, and years go by before I feel the bigger yes redemption. Family drama, place of upbringing, drugs, alcohol, jobs, friends, plans, possibilities, ego convictions etc fall in this time sand…

The stepping away point is often a huge bipolar wave wash for me, especially if it was unplanned, dramatic.

And yet, over time, intuitive redemption, a deeper, calmer, slower simpler truth, a bigger ahh awakening, bubble up from the depths of time.

Sometimes I try to force the healing, sometimes I’ve stepped back in for a redo of previous untruth illusions. Usually disastrous re-runs, with even messier endings ensue.

IMG_5457Truth can be evaded, run from, delayed, ignored, temporarily pacified with distraction, yet truth is.

While integration, redemption, intuitive visions may not always be easy to be patient for, it can be incredibly eerily calm, and strengthening when they do arrive.

Please trust your calm intuitive bipolar visions, for me, they have always led, to a much bigger deeper quieter, yes.





A Course In Miracles

3 01 2015

It’s time to admit my latest sneaky technique of wiggling past my obstructive ego. I’m cheating and benefiting from it. In order to figure out how to complete the other parts IMG_5898of my audio book I decided to purchase and listen to a few of them. I got a copy of A Course In Miracles, which I have tried and failed for 20 years to read and complete, and yet so many teachers and books are based on it or use it as a core. Anyway, it was too sleepy for me to drive with so I put it on to listen to it at night when I have(correction/had) insomnia. Here is the sneaky part, ever since I play it when I’m ready to go sleep, I drift off a lot quicker, and when I do wake up, I listen as long as I can before I’m out again. I’ve been getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night for about a month now. I’m not sure what the rest of the course is about, but that’s a big miracle for me.

Here is the double sneaky part. It’s having an affect on my waking hours as well. Out of curiosity of what I was downloading to my subconscious every night I went ahead and got an electronic copy of the book to read as well as redownloading an ap I tried years ago with the daily lessons.

AND, I’m kinda sorta doing them, yes I know it’s all wrong and breaking the rules of the course, but yet and, I’m feeling progress.

I’m questioning my angers and judgments. Rethinking my misperceptions, and contemplating more in depth questions than I have in a long time, and appreciating this process very much.

And even though my ego continues to freak out judge, etc, I’m gently moving forward anyway, I figure who cares if I do it right or get it right, whatever that is. What if I gently skim thru, pick up what benefits I can, and then cycle thru again. It’s what I’ve done with all of my favorite metaphysical texts over the years.

Today I read about shame and judgement. Wow, that was a shot between the third eye. Big tears, moment of growth, yet grateful. What I actually read, or maybe even heard last night was about guilt and responsibility, how they are connected. By chance I read ;Alan Cohens, “A Deep Breathe of Life “ April 19th. He always explains it with language and metaphors I can understand and begin applying in my day.

Tis the season for spiritual growth in the dark, wether we run to or from it.
Happy New Year
George





Living Out of Darkness

11 12 2014

Every time I go screaming into the dark night away from bipolar, ritualistically burn another copy of my book, and avoid any blogging. Something strange always happens, last night I came home and of all the thousands of tracks coming out of my speakers, was the current draft of my book audio, I was

IMG_5621 dumbfounded. It was an old phone which I thought I had deleted the audio draft out of disgust and yet I found myself sitting down quietly listening.(Damn this guy is good and he’s talking about bipolar) (maybe i should try some of this shit)Here’s the deal about bipolar, it sucks I love it, and good grief trying to explain it to anyone who doesn’t experience it. So today I logged on to Twitter and searched bipolar and it’s amazing how many people are out there just like me dealing with this mental opportunity and I’m grateful that no matter how alone and crazy I feel at times, I am always grateful when I take the time to reach out and discover others dealing with this experience however we’re currently choosing to deal with it. The bottom line for me is yeah bipolar can be dangerous for myself and others but there’s also a lot of us out here working really hard to create healthy awareness and DIY organic mental health breadcrumbs. If your struggling with your mental gifts today, like I am, you are not alone. When we get thru this moment, I’ll bet we are going to create a little bit of healthy chaos and laughter.

Go Team!
George

 





Mental Heroes

22 11 2013

In my eyes, anyone, with any degree of mental opportunity who dares to engage with self healing/exploration/challenge of gifts, is a hero.

IMG_2427It doesn’t really matter to me who how or why we end up struggling with “normal”, “functional”, focussed, homogenized, day job income happy people life ad nauseam etc whatever.

What matters to me, INSPIRES me to continue my journey of healing exploring creating what I deemed impossible unconsciously or not, is others who DARE.

Who cares if we don’t see feel think act behave color within boxes lines or circles or even know what they are.

Yes, we are different.  We think act, create, see, say, explore, challenge.

Today, home again, I am my own hero.  As I continue my journey of exploring income potential thru my own creative writing and artistic endeavors, it scares the hell out of me.

Run and hide, terror.

Yeah, it started 40 plus years ago, I’m still not over it, but I still dare to be creative, and explore self sustaining financial reward and it pushes and triggers all my buttons.

When I feel every fiber in my psyche wanting to shut down, I slow down and admire instead.  Yeah, ok, I still have monsters and ghosts for what I witnessed, so what.  I can feel the monsters shut me down, or I can see the monsters inside me, AND the life I have carefully created in-spite of, because of?

We can be our own heroes.  It’s easy.  almost.  Well not really, but it can still happen.  What is it I really want to create or experience today?  What possible baby step can I take towards that.  Period.  You are my instant hero.

It’s amazing to me, that which I want the most, often scares me the most.  That which I’m enjoying the most now, a calm, peaceful lifestyle (when I’m off work), was an impossible dream I wasn’t even capable or aware of as a possibility.  But by having dreams, and taking baby steps bit by bit, I crawled inside a better life, inside out.

Be a HERO!

Create!

George





Energy Up Batman!

29 10 2013

Image 2Up turn here Clyde.  Slow, weather, bed, warm, ahh.  Alert Alert Alert.

Slippy time is hear to see and say, nope, I chose active.  Natural rhythm weather easy slow deep empathy cycle recharge, but nopes me choose active.

change music to pop track, move move move, remote robotic control if necessary.

“With vision, you have a reason to live through the low times and a motivation for getting out of bed, taking excellent care of yourself even when you don’t want to, and the joy of bringing something beautiful into the world.” pg 51, Living Out of Darkness.

While my mental insides may be processing all input from spring summer soul growth harvest, I do not have to let my feelings rule/control my body.  Keeping my body active, while my emotions are turbulent, this time of year is important.   I do allow moments of sitting but it’s a slippery slope for me.

Staying in touch with my inner empathy and grief is important, because I never know who it may be connected with or what is ready to heal.  Brief gentle following of thought thread can lead to a family or friend in quiet need, and a phone call or contact can help lift them up, and I feel good for having allowed/followed internal empathy intuition.  However, dwelling in unknown empathy, or tugging on the chords, can lead to unwanted helping of others, or bring both our energies down.  

Successfully passing thru this initial stage of winter, staying active, consciously empathetic, and rebooting positive daily routines, can lead to an enjoyable winter.  It’s also good for me to pick up mentally interesting and mystical books like the Tao Te Ching to help sort refresh eternal questions.

wiggle the hips jiggle the flab,

long way to spring people,

let’s MOVE!!





Shame Lock…Release

24 10 2013

SoulvelutionI’m undoing a shame lock in this moment.  “Delusions of grandeur”.  I would like to reframe this, and remove stigma.  I am a visionary.  I see that which is possible.  I struggle with bringing it to reality.  It is the struggle, which brings me peace.  If I were to stop at delusion.  Cut the soul sight before grandeur is given a chance, what a horrible world I/us/we would be.  Grandeur is the potential of past visionaries we are now living.

Shame, locks us up internally, and rips grandeur to delusion.

Unlocking shame inside can/is brutal at times.  Easy path hide.  Harder path, create, no matter what.

I turn my grandeurs into reality, with one simple habit.

Positive daily routine.

Currently my family is dealing with parental life stage transitions.  Many conversations, many stirred up monsters and demons, PTSD reactions etc.

My past me, the one locked in shame and delusions of grandeur, would hide in my bed, and watch the horror 24/7 family news cycle in my head.

The me of many years, trusts creativity, soul work, emolution(new word), and getting on with life, no matter what.

How I do this is simple.  Coffee today, taking stock of life, oh-I have family obsession cycle running in my head, mental note, must create and publish in some way cutting edge of soul, TODAY!!!

This is what turns my delusions into realities.  Devoting ten minutes or more of concrete action on current soul creative edge, ESPECIALLY when feeling obsession or shame or “too busy”.

Living my souls edge, keeps me ok inside, thru it all.  Good times for me, are now defined by what’s new news inside, and enjoying it outside.  The best physical things in my life, came thru me, because of carefully working towards them.

Any level of sanity, functionality, enjoyment, come from a commitment to paying attention to what is quiet and still, and THEN taking action.

Soul ON!

George

P.s. Emolution- the evolution of my emotions into creative realities.








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