?Self Trust? WTF?!!!

7 01 2017

silverbhuddaSo I had a conversation with a friend the other day about bipolar and selt trust. My response WTF??? I have never trusted my uneditied self. My mind is way too open my boundaries have all been violated by myself and others, I have no trust at all whatsoever, and yet I do. Certain people certian times, situations, I trust. Faith in a Concious Flow greater then myself, yes. Absolutely no, can’t bullshit you there, I have experienced plenty of couch druel time when God was no where near a concept I could trust much less believe in.

So this bold suggestion from her that I could actually trust myself has got me in quite a diddle. A bit grumbly diddle I might add. WTF I could begin to trust myself? It feels like my entire life my mind has been suggesting and convincing me to do really stupid shit, as well as talk other people into it not to mention dwelling in thoughts of suicide from time to time, when I’ve given up hope.

I even brought up a classic example of mania at a retreat one time and she had the audacity to point out she was there, had fun, and would trust me again to go on the adventures we came up with. How dare people trust me. This is just a bizarre concept to me. I’m serious, I’m trying to be funny sarcastic and blow it off, or come up with some twist, but I’ve gotta sit down and think about this seriously for awhile. Am I trustworthy? I’ve invested so much of my life taming and riding the bipolar monkey brain on my shoulder, that I’ve never bothered to review what and if I’ve made any progess. In fact it wasn’t until recently I started observing and measuring the stimilus and response to and of situations that trigger me. This is what led me to my first clue, that I may indeed may not be actively bipolar anymore. Holy shit!!!

Is that even possible? What about the “experts”, what about what about what about, and is it possible that I haven’t been for a couple years even????

Shit! I was so wrapped up in my identity of being bipolar, I forgot to invent a new identity, what if all this crap I’ve been preaching and practising about spirituality and self-regulation and slow gradual improvement over time is paying off, and actually true?

WTF! Inspite of my language I have actually been pretty calm at home and work for awhile now. Slightly on the depressive side, yet very manageble and functional, no need for meds(which I’ve never taken), or missed obligations, moments of laughter, adventure and fun happening even.

hmmm, maybe bipolar behavior is just an Illusion?





Dyslexic Untie!

23 06 2016

dyslesicDyslexics not I am Untie! is their a Dog insomnia?

If you can decipher this message then we are a mind meld. I love shotgun wording, brian space sometimes just needs a flow. Cares if “english” grammar, etc are discarded. Yup. Free the brain. Communication is just an opportunity for souls to vibrate in proximity, exchanging info non verbal non physical.

I love just popping the cork and putting it out there especially when recovering from a long term deep dive, ahh. Yes, I know a high percentage of “normal” english speakers have now moved on which is good! I’ve never been a champion, worried about or communication king with the Chorus.

I’ve always been a fan of the people outside the circle who still have a sliver inside them to come back into light. It is my journey, it is the conscious bipolar journey, it is a journey we all take, some of us on a very large range/scale/extremes.

I heard recently at a new age retreat that we are finally realizing that everyone is crazy, I burst out laughing inside but kept a straight face on because they were laughing and saying this as if it was a newsflash and new concept.

Yeah! Us crazies are finally ahead of the pack. If life has given/born/created, who cares origin, insanity, dysfunction, or crazy, then we often know, from the beginning, life is crazy, we are all screwed up, it’s just that some of us are so raw, we can’t, don’t wish to, or have just completely ignored the normal train, and “normal” people are able to maintain a copying mechanism to cover cope with their neurosis in a non visual, or socially acceptable way, example, Bars, drinking, and everyday jerks, snobs or ___.

Welcome aboard or off the tracks to the “normal” people. I love it that the world is in chaos and a majority of the “normal” people in my life are losing their sh*t, ?.

no seriously what are you talking about George it’s horrible!

Really?

People are losing their sh*t. Sh*t being fertilizer, coping mechanism, separation, ignorance, avoidance.

My mom always said, “If you really want to get to know someone, take them on a crappy camping trip.”

It’s true, welcome to camping world.

Our convenient coping mechanisms are failing in masse. Our realness is showing, our connections, REAL, connections are growing, and we are finally, finally getting to see the people we thought we new, as more real.

I love this as a bipolar person, because the extremes in my life, have always shown me my insanity first hand, and opened my eyes to see what others have always hidden.

This, this my friends is the gift of being “crazy” outside the box or normality all or percentage of ones life.

Because here is the juice. Once I get past the b.s. with mutual coping mechanisms with someone, we get to decide whether we like each other, and if we do it’s awesome! Or if we don’t and have to deal with them anyway, then we get to grow, and sometimes, sometimes that leads to liking ourselves more, and sometimes even the other person.

This, is truly the gift of these “crazy”, opening, growing for all times.

peace
George,

ok how do I find my way off this soap box…





Shift Happens!

21 05 2016

Shift Happened! At The Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel this week!

IMG_7694

Alan Cohen’s Advanced Life Coaching Tribe gathered and created a lot of shift.
Good Shift. We shifted up, downloaded gems from teachers all over the world, and shared our life coaching skill sets with each other from all walks of life and geographic locations on the planet. And what a place to experience teachings, renewal, and to practice the life coaching skill set.

I haven’t experienced anything like this in over 5 years, and let’s just say my spiritual batteries disintegrated a bit back, yet somehow got me signed up, through my mind ego fear long enough to show up and participate. And I am so grateful!

Hawaii has a tradition of cities of refuge, for me, any Alan Cohen retreat, especially on the island of Hawaii, is just that.

If you are struggling with your spiritual connection and life “opportunities”, I could never recommend enough the need to connect with a spiritual tribe, and the chance to develop skill sets and connections with like minded individuals.

I can assure you, I never done it perfectly, become enlightened, left the darkness behind, but I have All WAYS, no matter how lost I’ve become in life, found renewal and hope. At times I’ve stayed connected, at times I’ve drifted, each develops a strength.

The biggest shift I received this week, was hope. It was also that which I needed the most.

Thank you Alan, and thank you Alan’s Tribe, for helping me seep back into light, again.





Full Range Human

6 11 2015

IMG_5898I’m done with bipolar. It’s a term I didn’t choose, but I learned to accept over time because it was a reference point for the experiences I was having.

First and foremost I am human.

I also experience like a shark in constant motion to be able to breathe, energy.

I am a full range constant mental/intuition/energy/heart human.

Traditionally as bipolar, I am labelled with delusions of grandeur, hate it.

I’ve allowed it to crush my visions so many times.

Currently I’ve been attempting to crush the audio recording I’ve been struggling with.

A moment of silence and the old and familiar societal label for my ideas and theories of bipolar bubbles up, delusions of grandeur.

I object your honor. What do you call great artists, actors, leaders, inventors, comedians, that do inspiring work AND just happen to be bipolar, are they delusions of grandeur? Where would we be as humans, with out all of the successful bipolar individuals who wrought through their internal strife to deliver us their vision?

Full range human- My brain, intuitive vision, my spirit connection, my heart, my soul- FULL Range, are a lot to deal with in a tiny homogenized 40 hour productive world.

So I’m giving myself and every other full range human kudos today. Yes, we are here, we experience a lot on many levels 24/7. Some of us are dangerous, some of us are intense, some of us appear to be functional, some of us create what can be seen, ALL of us experience much more then just swings.

When things are going well, which is often a very delicate balance at best, we are incredible.





Authority Issues

14 09 2015

…I’m a major control freak. guess where the two meet?…work

yup, summer manic cure all crazy season is over, snow is creeping down the mountains, it’s getting darker, and I hate my job.

In the past, I allowed my bipolar to run unchecked with this wa wa, and quit got fired or run far far away.

today; I chose to sit in my sh*t until I FEEL, what’s really going on.

I hate all bosses, supervisors, lead techs, older people, smarter people, arrogant people, etc ad nauseous.

yup, i’m a control freak. I used to judge myself about this until I realized it’s better to be a control freak, and micro manage my world inside and out to the best of my ability, then to act out.

I’m also not a full time control freak, and I don’t always hate my job and all people.

When I’m in the middle of a funk or tuning ramping up for a good old blow out, I still have choices and options. One of which is to stop, sit in my sh*t, write, read, breathe, walk, etc. And give it a little time, until the onion of me, cracks a new stinky layer.

This is how I heal over time.

Today- I can see that being a worker bee, I often need to be smarter then the task at hand and my bosses, but I have to be humble enough to not get fired. If I were to be a boss, I would have an excuse to let my ego run the show, and not have to be as smart.

so by staying in the ranks, being a worker bee, I get to be smart, and eat lots of humble pie.

I don’t like humble pie, because I have experienced so much humiliation and frustration with bipolar my entire life, internally and externally.

Yet today, I can see where being in a situation, where continually learning humility, is helping me to keep my ego/bipolar in check.

so today, (please don’t tell my boss or all other aforementioned people) I’m grateful for the opportunity learn humility so that I can continue to heal and let go of humiliation.





Bobble Heads

25 04 2015

I got a new thing, I’m turning previous psychological control freaks who I’ve rented rooms for in my head into bobble heads. I wasn’t planning on this, it just sort of happened one day so I thought i would share it.
The more I slip into healthy high bipolar order, the more erosion occurs in original false info injected into my developmental psyche. Yes, I have a pretty erratic at times organic bipolar rhythm, yes I’m weird and goofy, talkative /silent, etc., the usual bipolar fair, and, continuing to discover and release, other people’s crap, injected into my head at impressionable ages, is incredibly healing.

Years ago I heard a television interview with a Hollywood star at the time who had survived early childhood trauma drama as well. Her enlightened reframe was that is was good, because early trauma survived and eventually integrated and healed can be a foundation for thriving. I’m finding this to be true. I’ve chugged along like a freight train for years, healthy daily routines, and habits to the best of my ability which is always fluctuating and doesn’t appear to be much at times, and been grateful for whatever peaceful moments, interactions, I can experience or share. So when I experience really good times like I am now, it’s like being on acid. I’m in high speed, yet somehow still functioning, and the learning curve is doubling down on healthy habits and figuring out healthy discharge for good energy. I visualize copious amounts of healing energy into the atmosphere available to whoever is willing to receive, and I feel calmer.

Off topic, anyway. I never expected to be able to see the other side of major perpetrators in my life. I always thought they would live in my head as monsters, and continue to have negative affects on my choices, reactions to stress, etc. Yet, as I experience their end game decisions, diminishing influence on other peoples lives, I’m feeling a release. May good bless them for the humans that they were, and my good bless them wherever they end up next. Thank God, I’m finally feeling forgiveness in my heart for them, and feeling the erosion of their psychic influence over me. Bobble heads yep, in my cartoon minds eye, they are now bobble heads in high chairs, adult heads filled with childish misinformed fears, in baby bodies, being fed and taken care of as they finish out their days.

May we all live thrive long enough to witness the cycle of life, erode previous monsters into bobble-heads.





Hope Evolution

22 04 2015

I dedicate this blog, to those living in hopelessness. I’m praying happy tears for you today. When I began my journey of hope. Hope that myself and all of life was not horrible, out of control, and a useless miserable failure, my hope, was from a kernel of faith, that somehow still existed inside of me, in spite of it all. Some part of me lived, kept breathing, waking, moving. My faith came from books, because all people had proven themselves to be idiots and untrustworthy to me. They also locked me up, because of my mental behavior.

This journey of hope, began locked, in severe psychological pain, after years of faith and bust. Words, read, uncovered, hoped were real, began my journey back to life. Out of words came healthy habits. Writing my thoughts in journals, all of it. The good the bad the ugly. Over and over again. Journals clean out crap in my head, and reveal gems from time to time, if I’m patient and persistent.

Over time, my faith and hope, led me to opportunities, experiences, which led to real life, real time, face to face healing. Along the way I discovered and interacted with healthy humans, and let go of many humans stuck in behaviors that were destructive for me.

My happy tears today for people in hopelessness, is gratitude for the potential. If we can survive the hopelessness, If we can be graced with discovery and opportunity of new healing then we can evolve.

Happy tears today, are for the discovery of erosion of psychological control temporarily embedded by humans in positions of power living in their own unresolved fears into innocents. Time, healthy daily methods, new healthy information, observation and experimentation of good ideas, have continued to erode those negative unhealthy psychological destructive beliefs, behaviors, identity, and unconscious reactions to stress, given to me, and a little bit each day ejected, and eventually let go of completely.

I continue to say good bye, to other peoples fears, and hello to life is good, and getting even a little better, each day.








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