?Self Trust? WTF?!!!

7 01 2017

silverbhuddaSo I had a conversation with a friend the other day about bipolar and selt trust. My response WTF??? I have never trusted my uneditied self. My mind is way too open my boundaries have all been violated by myself and others, I have no trust at all whatsoever, and yet I do. Certain people certian times, situations, I trust. Faith in a Concious Flow greater then myself, yes. Absolutely no, can’t bullshit you there, I have experienced plenty of couch druel time when God was no where near a concept I could trust much less believe in.

So this bold suggestion from her that I could actually trust myself has got me in quite a diddle. A bit grumbly diddle I might add. WTF I could begin to trust myself? It feels like my entire life my mind has been suggesting and convincing me to do really stupid shit, as well as talk other people into it not to mention dwelling in thoughts of suicide from time to time, when I’ve given up hope.

I even brought up a classic example of mania at a retreat one time and she had the audacity to point out she was there, had fun, and would trust me again to go on the adventures we came up with. How dare people trust me. This is just a bizarre concept to me. I’m serious, I’m trying to be funny sarcastic and blow it off, or come up with some twist, but I’ve gotta sit down and think about this seriously for awhile. Am I trustworthy? I’ve invested so much of my life taming and riding the bipolar monkey brain on my shoulder, that I’ve never bothered to review what and if I’ve made any progess. In fact it wasn’t until recently I started observing and measuring the stimilus and response to and of situations that trigger me. This is what led me to my first clue, that I may indeed may not be actively bipolar anymore. Holy shit!!!

Is that even possible? What about the “experts”, what about what about what about, and is it possible that I haven’t been for a couple years even????

Shit! I was so wrapped up in my identity of being bipolar, I forgot to invent a new identity, what if all this crap I’ve been preaching and practising about spirituality and self-regulation and slow gradual improvement over time is paying off, and actually true?

WTF! Inspite of my language I have actually been pretty calm at home and work for awhile now. Slightly on the depressive side, yet very manageble and functional, no need for meds(which I’ve never taken), or missed obligations, moments of laughter, adventure and fun happening even.

hmmm, maybe bipolar behavior is just an Illusion?

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Full Range Human

6 11 2015

IMG_5898I’m done with bipolar. It’s a term I didn’t choose, but I learned to accept over time because it was a reference point for the experiences I was having.

First and foremost I am human.

I also experience like a shark in constant motion to be able to breathe, energy.

I am a full range constant mental/intuition/energy/heart human.

Traditionally as bipolar, I am labelled with delusions of grandeur, hate it.

I’ve allowed it to crush my visions so many times.

Currently I’ve been attempting to crush the audio recording I’ve been struggling with.

A moment of silence and the old and familiar societal label for my ideas and theories of bipolar bubbles up, delusions of grandeur.

I object your honor. What do you call great artists, actors, leaders, inventors, comedians, that do inspiring work AND just happen to be bipolar, are they delusions of grandeur? Where would we be as humans, with out all of the successful bipolar individuals who wrought through their internal strife to deliver us their vision?

Full range human- My brain, intuitive vision, my spirit connection, my heart, my soul- FULL Range, are a lot to deal with in a tiny homogenized 40 hour productive world.

So I’m giving myself and every other full range human kudos today. Yes, we are here, we experience a lot on many levels 24/7. Some of us are dangerous, some of us are intense, some of us appear to be functional, some of us create what can be seen, ALL of us experience much more then just swings.

When things are going well, which is often a very delicate balance at best, we are incredible.





Authority Issues

14 09 2015

…I’m a major control freak. guess where the two meet?…work

yup, summer manic cure all crazy season is over, snow is creeping down the mountains, it’s getting darker, and I hate my job.

In the past, I allowed my bipolar to run unchecked with this wa wa, and quit got fired or run far far away.

today; I chose to sit in my sh*t until I FEEL, what’s really going on.

I hate all bosses, supervisors, lead techs, older people, smarter people, arrogant people, etc ad nauseous.

yup, i’m a control freak. I used to judge myself about this until I realized it’s better to be a control freak, and micro manage my world inside and out to the best of my ability, then to act out.

I’m also not a full time control freak, and I don’t always hate my job and all people.

When I’m in the middle of a funk or tuning ramping up for a good old blow out, I still have choices and options. One of which is to stop, sit in my sh*t, write, read, breathe, walk, etc. And give it a little time, until the onion of me, cracks a new stinky layer.

This is how I heal over time.

Today- I can see that being a worker bee, I often need to be smarter then the task at hand and my bosses, but I have to be humble enough to not get fired. If I were to be a boss, I would have an excuse to let my ego run the show, and not have to be as smart.

so by staying in the ranks, being a worker bee, I get to be smart, and eat lots of humble pie.

I don’t like humble pie, because I have experienced so much humiliation and frustration with bipolar my entire life, internally and externally.

Yet today, I can see where being in a situation, where continually learning humility, is helping me to keep my ego/bipolar in check.

so today, (please don’t tell my boss or all other aforementioned people) I’m grateful for the opportunity learn humility so that I can continue to heal and let go of humiliation.





Pay Attention

4 01 2015

IMG_5901These two words used to scare me as a child, I would often lose interest in the current drama of the moment, or be internally fascinated by new ideas, different points of view, usually contrary to a majority of people making decisions. I would often drift, when I had enough, or just needed a pause button.

Pay Attention, used to be a siren call/judgement handed down when I wasn’t being present to someone else’s 24/7 crisis.

I”m good at drama, really good, just wind me up and watch me go, but honestly, I prefer sipping details i’m usually unaware of;
dry leaves, skin moisture, shifting light in familiar landscapes, knowing the current temperature range from the sound of bug buzzes in the tropics or tone of squeak from boots on really cold snow in the arctic.

Bigger than that, if I allow attention to drift into these less headline areas it usually coincides with insights, which lead to healing, which leads to less generated drama.
When I’m in drama, it’s all about the drama, and paying attention to minutia is the least likely action, yet the drip off a leaf, focussing intensely for a moment on any organic item or picture, can sometimes/often, shift into big picture drift. It’s the magic of attention. Do I choose impending drama doom or fascination and openings today?





A Course In Miracles

3 01 2015

It’s time to admit my latest sneaky technique of wiggling past my obstructive ego. I’m cheating and benefiting from it. In order to figure out how to complete the other parts IMG_5898of my audio book I decided to purchase and listen to a few of them. I got a copy of A Course In Miracles, which I have tried and failed for 20 years to read and complete, and yet so many teachers and books are based on it or use it as a core. Anyway, it was too sleepy for me to drive with so I put it on to listen to it at night when I have(correction/had) insomnia. Here is the sneaky part, ever since I play it when I’m ready to go sleep, I drift off a lot quicker, and when I do wake up, I listen as long as I can before I’m out again. I’ve been getting 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night for about a month now. I’m not sure what the rest of the course is about, but that’s a big miracle for me.

Here is the double sneaky part. It’s having an affect on my waking hours as well. Out of curiosity of what I was downloading to my subconscious every night I went ahead and got an electronic copy of the book to read as well as redownloading an ap I tried years ago with the daily lessons.

AND, I’m kinda sorta doing them, yes I know it’s all wrong and breaking the rules of the course, but yet and, I’m feeling progress.

I’m questioning my angers and judgments. Rethinking my misperceptions, and contemplating more in depth questions than I have in a long time, and appreciating this process very much.

And even though my ego continues to freak out judge, etc, I’m gently moving forward anyway, I figure who cares if I do it right or get it right, whatever that is. What if I gently skim thru, pick up what benefits I can, and then cycle thru again. It’s what I’ve done with all of my favorite metaphysical texts over the years.

Today I read about shame and judgement. Wow, that was a shot between the third eye. Big tears, moment of growth, yet grateful. What I actually read, or maybe even heard last night was about guilt and responsibility, how they are connected. By chance I read ;Alan Cohens, “A Deep Breathe of Life “ April 19th. He always explains it with language and metaphors I can understand and begin applying in my day.

Tis the season for spiritual growth in the dark, wether we run to or from it.
Happy New Year
George





Millennial Affect

14 12 2014

IMG_5739I declare a new dawn for mental health and I have become a fan of the millennial generation. I wholeheartedly cheer and admire them for many reasons:

On a personal level when I began my organic mental health journey, such words were never combined. The medical professionals at the time, authoritatively said medications or else, I have since organically lived out and or thru most if not all of their dire predictions.

I’m now a little past the middle of the pack in the workforce. Established, nothing to prove, enjoying my job etc. I’ve been given the opportunity to begin mentoring millennial’s in the workplace and I got to say it’s a real joy! When I entered the workplace, after adopting many strange ideas of spirituality, it was a typical older generation judgmental non-supportive etc.

After first hand experience witnessing how a majority of the millennial’s are as individuals; how they interact with each other, their level of integrity, I’ve got to say it’s impressive.

Another level I see is, Great Hope, for people experiencing mental health opportunities because one of the first phrases I paid attention to from millennials was when I began hearing, no judgment, wow! and it’s true.

In the midst of a crazy day, who knows what was going on inside or outside of me I’m coping with details the best I can at times, and I’m pretty hardened to the fact that the world I come from, the culture that I grew up in, and have lived a majority of my adult life, judgment was standard. I knew I was crazy outside of the box etc. yet I still was bound and determined to function, however I could, regardless of how crazy I looked and felt, because I was going to make my way in this world organically no matter what.

Hiding my “crazy”, and spiritual solutions to crazy, has been a primary society survival method. Here come the millennials, I don’t feel judgment, I don’t feel a lot of drama, I feel calmer in their presence, then I’ve ever felt with the generation that trained me. What a relief!

It’s funny, I’ve been immersed in spiritual new age culture for 25+ years, and yet my experience with coworkers under 35, and this is why i’m such a huge fan of them, I learn spirituality from them every shift, in an industrial workplace .

When I began in the workplace, a spiritual approach to mental health and coworkers, YEAH RIGHT. Yet, I adapted, learned, and became good friends, and as my mentors retire, I am relieved to know that I’ll be working with millennials, and can’t wait to see what their kids are like, until I retire.

I’m excited and relieved from my position in our evolving culture, we really are getting better at dealing with mental health, I can really see a day where we will get to bipolar order, bipolar awareness, bipolar celebration, I am extremely grateful for this and I am a millennial fan.

Thank God for all the younger spiritual gurus in our lives, we need them!





Living Out of Darkness

11 12 2014

Every time I go screaming into the dark night away from bipolar, ritualistically burn another copy of my book, and avoid any blogging. Something strange always happens, last night I came home and of all the thousands of tracks coming out of my speakers, was the current draft of my book audio, I was

IMG_5621 dumbfounded. It was an old phone which I thought I had deleted the audio draft out of disgust and yet I found myself sitting down quietly listening.(Damn this guy is good and he’s talking about bipolar) (maybe i should try some of this shit)Here’s the deal about bipolar, it sucks I love it, and good grief trying to explain it to anyone who doesn’t experience it. So today I logged on to Twitter and searched bipolar and it’s amazing how many people are out there just like me dealing with this mental opportunity and I’m grateful that no matter how alone and crazy I feel at times, I am always grateful when I take the time to reach out and discover others dealing with this experience however we’re currently choosing to deal with it. The bottom line for me is yeah bipolar can be dangerous for myself and others but there’s also a lot of us out here working really hard to create healthy awareness and DIY organic mental health breadcrumbs. If your struggling with your mental gifts today, like I am, you are not alone. When we get thru this moment, I’ll bet we are going to create a little bit of healthy chaos and laughter.

Go Team!
George

 








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