Let it be…

5 12 2016

img_8484I catch my self in fear, mind spin, extra think, ratio of input to processing, off triggering,

breathe, breathe, breathe,

I don’t have to take immediate actions for every real or perceived input.

It is ok to breathe it is good to breathe. Sometimes life is full and busy, that’s ok.

When I was an empty shell/vacuum, with little but bipolar behavior coping skills, it was a constant stirring mess.

With an identity and soul outside of the bipolar illusion, all I have to do with rapid income input that triggers the bipolar behavior output response, is let it be.

It is sometimes best to not take action. Be what I need to be, but temporarily suspend actions from mind/ego/fear.

I’ve been riding a wave lately. Investing a lot of time and energy and building up networks, projects, collaborating, completing as well as Life101 items like taking care of a home.

I just kept telling myself, I’m not inside the bipolar illusion full time anymore. It is an illusion, it is a set a behaviors in which I have discovered other healthy methods of coping with stress.

Yes, their is a full on enticing physiological, mental, emotional, spiritual, intoxicating aspect to it, yet it is not my only option. Especially since I’ve taken a lot of years recently to just slow down and listen be interact discover explore re-introduce myself to my soul.

And guess what? My soul is not bipolar behavior.

I’m actually a calm root happy go lucky goofy soul, that loves to see explore humor in everything completely unedited.

My soul has gently re-introduced me to my mind, emotions, spirit, and body. My soul helps me calm down, relax, let it be, using time to regain a mellow happy perspective.

I suspect many of us diagnosed with bipolar and exhibiting bipolar behavior, are similar.

Are we bipolar, or are we temporarily stressed out people, ingrained/identified in learned bipolar behaviors?

Letting it be…

George





Dyslexic Untie!

23 06 2016

dyslesicDyslexics not I am Untie! is their a Dog insomnia?

If you can decipher this message then we are a mind meld. I love shotgun wording, brian space sometimes just needs a flow. Cares if “english” grammar, etc are discarded. Yup. Free the brain. Communication is just an opportunity for souls to vibrate in proximity, exchanging info non verbal non physical.

I love just popping the cork and putting it out there especially when recovering from a long term deep dive, ahh. Yes, I know a high percentage of “normal” english speakers have now moved on which is good! I’ve never been a champion, worried about or communication king with the Chorus.

I’ve always been a fan of the people outside the circle who still have a sliver inside them to come back into light. It is my journey, it is the conscious bipolar journey, it is a journey we all take, some of us on a very large range/scale/extremes.

I heard recently at a new age retreat that we are finally realizing that everyone is crazy, I burst out laughing inside but kept a straight face on because they were laughing and saying this as if it was a newsflash and new concept.

Yeah! Us crazies are finally ahead of the pack. If life has given/born/created, who cares origin, insanity, dysfunction, or crazy, then we often know, from the beginning, life is crazy, we are all screwed up, it’s just that some of us are so raw, we can’t, don’t wish to, or have just completely ignored the normal train, and “normal” people are able to maintain a copying mechanism to cover cope with their neurosis in a non visual, or socially acceptable way, example, Bars, drinking, and everyday jerks, snobs or ___.

Welcome aboard or off the tracks to the “normal” people. I love it that the world is in chaos and a majority of the “normal” people in my life are losing their sh*t, ?.

no seriously what are you talking about George it’s horrible!

Really?

People are losing their sh*t. Sh*t being fertilizer, coping mechanism, separation, ignorance, avoidance.

My mom always said, “If you really want to get to know someone, take them on a crappy camping trip.”

It’s true, welcome to camping world.

Our convenient coping mechanisms are failing in masse. Our realness is showing, our connections, REAL, connections are growing, and we are finally, finally getting to see the people we thought we new, as more real.

I love this as a bipolar person, because the extremes in my life, have always shown me my insanity first hand, and opened my eyes to see what others have always hidden.

This, this my friends is the gift of being “crazy” outside the box or normality all or percentage of ones life.

Because here is the juice. Once I get past the b.s. with mutual coping mechanisms with someone, we get to decide whether we like each other, and if we do it’s awesome! Or if we don’t and have to deal with them anyway, then we get to grow, and sometimes, sometimes that leads to liking ourselves more, and sometimes even the other person.

This, is truly the gift of these “crazy”, opening, growing for all times.

peace
George,

ok how do I find my way off this soap box…





Hope Evolution

22 04 2015

I dedicate this blog, to those living in hopelessness. I’m praying happy tears for you today. When I began my journey of hope. Hope that myself and all of life was not horrible, out of control, and a useless miserable failure, my hope, was from a kernel of faith, that somehow still existed inside of me, in spite of it all. Some part of me lived, kept breathing, waking, moving. My faith came from books, because all people had proven themselves to be idiots and untrustworthy to me. They also locked me up, because of my mental behavior.

This journey of hope, began locked, in severe psychological pain, after years of faith and bust. Words, read, uncovered, hoped were real, began my journey back to life. Out of words came healthy habits. Writing my thoughts in journals, all of it. The good the bad the ugly. Over and over again. Journals clean out crap in my head, and reveal gems from time to time, if I’m patient and persistent.

Over time, my faith and hope, led me to opportunities, experiences, which led to real life, real time, face to face healing. Along the way I discovered and interacted with healthy humans, and let go of many humans stuck in behaviors that were destructive for me.

My happy tears today for people in hopelessness, is gratitude for the potential. If we can survive the hopelessness, If we can be graced with discovery and opportunity of new healing then we can evolve.

Happy tears today, are for the discovery of erosion of psychological control temporarily embedded by humans in positions of power living in their own unresolved fears into innocents. Time, healthy daily methods, new healthy information, observation and experimentation of good ideas, have continued to erode those negative unhealthy psychological destructive beliefs, behaviors, identity, and unconscious reactions to stress, given to me, and a little bit each day ejected, and eventually let go of completely.

I continue to say good bye, to other peoples fears, and hello to life is good, and getting even a little better, each day.





huge know, BIGGER YES!

12 01 2015

IMG_5643From time to time in this journey I’ve chosen big knows, sometimes planned sometimes not. Either way, I check in with silence over time to sense the choice, to trust intuition. Was this or that let go a hell yes or no. Sometimes it’s a partial, and years go by before I feel the bigger yes redemption. Family drama, place of upbringing, drugs, alcohol, jobs, friends, plans, possibilities, ego convictions etc fall in this time sand…

The stepping away point is often a huge bipolar wave wash for me, especially if it was unplanned, dramatic.

And yet, over time, intuitive redemption, a deeper, calmer, slower simpler truth, a bigger ahh awakening, bubble up from the depths of time.

Sometimes I try to force the healing, sometimes I’ve stepped back in for a redo of previous untruth illusions. Usually disastrous re-runs, with even messier endings ensue.

IMG_5457Truth can be evaded, run from, delayed, ignored, temporarily pacified with distraction, yet truth is.

While integration, redemption, intuitive visions may not always be easy to be patient for, it can be incredibly eerily calm, and strengthening when they do arrive.

Please trust your calm intuitive bipolar visions, for me, they have always led, to a much bigger deeper quieter, yes.





Mental Heroes

22 11 2013

In my eyes, anyone, with any degree of mental opportunity who dares to engage with self healing/exploration/challenge of gifts, is a hero.

IMG_2427It doesn’t really matter to me who how or why we end up struggling with “normal”, “functional”, focussed, homogenized, day job income happy people life ad nauseam etc whatever.

What matters to me, INSPIRES me to continue my journey of healing exploring creating what I deemed impossible unconsciously or not, is others who DARE.

Who cares if we don’t see feel think act behave color within boxes lines or circles or even know what they are.

Yes, we are different.  We think act, create, see, say, explore, challenge.

Today, home again, I am my own hero.  As I continue my journey of exploring income potential thru my own creative writing and artistic endeavors, it scares the hell out of me.

Run and hide, terror.

Yeah, it started 40 plus years ago, I’m still not over it, but I still dare to be creative, and explore self sustaining financial reward and it pushes and triggers all my buttons.

When I feel every fiber in my psyche wanting to shut down, I slow down and admire instead.  Yeah, ok, I still have monsters and ghosts for what I witnessed, so what.  I can feel the monsters shut me down, or I can see the monsters inside me, AND the life I have carefully created in-spite of, because of?

We can be our own heroes.  It’s easy.  almost.  Well not really, but it can still happen.  What is it I really want to create or experience today?  What possible baby step can I take towards that.  Period.  You are my instant hero.

It’s amazing to me, that which I want the most, often scares me the most.  That which I’m enjoying the most now, a calm, peaceful lifestyle (when I’m off work), was an impossible dream I wasn’t even capable or aware of as a possibility.  But by having dreams, and taking baby steps bit by bit, I crawled inside a better life, inside out.

Be a HERO!

Create!

George





Shame Lock…Release

24 10 2013

SoulvelutionI’m undoing a shame lock in this moment.  “Delusions of grandeur”.  I would like to reframe this, and remove stigma.  I am a visionary.  I see that which is possible.  I struggle with bringing it to reality.  It is the struggle, which brings me peace.  If I were to stop at delusion.  Cut the soul sight before grandeur is given a chance, what a horrible world I/us/we would be.  Grandeur is the potential of past visionaries we are now living.

Shame, locks us up internally, and rips grandeur to delusion.

Unlocking shame inside can/is brutal at times.  Easy path hide.  Harder path, create, no matter what.

I turn my grandeurs into reality, with one simple habit.

Positive daily routine.

Currently my family is dealing with parental life stage transitions.  Many conversations, many stirred up monsters and demons, PTSD reactions etc.

My past me, the one locked in shame and delusions of grandeur, would hide in my bed, and watch the horror 24/7 family news cycle in my head.

The me of many years, trusts creativity, soul work, emolution(new word), and getting on with life, no matter what.

How I do this is simple.  Coffee today, taking stock of life, oh-I have family obsession cycle running in my head, mental note, must create and publish in some way cutting edge of soul, TODAY!!!

This is what turns my delusions into realities.  Devoting ten minutes or more of concrete action on current soul creative edge, ESPECIALLY when feeling obsession or shame or “too busy”.

Living my souls edge, keeps me ok inside, thru it all.  Good times for me, are now defined by what’s new news inside, and enjoying it outside.  The best physical things in my life, came thru me, because of carefully working towards them.

Any level of sanity, functionality, enjoyment, come from a commitment to paying attention to what is quiet and still, and THEN taking action.

Soul ON!

George

P.s. Emolution- the evolution of my emotions into creative realities.





Emotional Ahh

20 10 2013

ImageI am not the extreme of my past.  I am not the extreme mental and physical choices I made to cope/interact with the chaos around and inevitably in me.

Was my past since birth totally of my creation?

If not, do I have to prescribe my entire life to it’s chaos?

What if I’m actually a calm happy creative sane functional human, temporarily held hostage by the creation and wreckage of my first 20 years, and recovery from?

As I settle once again, from another emotional hurricane, I relish in the choices I’ve made to create calm functionality in my life to return to.  None of it happened instantly.  Yet it is possible.  Yes I deal with all kinds of anxious moments, activities, etc.  But there is a calm overwhelming routine to return to.  It used to be externally only.  I followed a calm path offered by others for years in hopes of it working.

My prayer today, is to encourage, all those choosing calm routines, in spite of current internal or external chaos, to continue their journey, no matter what.  If peace is possible for me, than I hold hope for you.

george








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