Buddha Hybrid Obsession

16 10 2015

ImageI’m stressed, been stressed for awhile and it turned to misery. Thank GOD!, one of the benefits for me with bipolar is my lack of inhibition at times when i’m not being a control freak about my words is just saying it. This sucks and this is why. I’m unhappy because…, or i’m really miserable and have been for awhile. I finally got to a bottom about a week ago in the middle of a vacation. Ideal setting, time off from work, but it was only the motions of a vacation, I was miserable. Life events are occurring, of which I am wholly unqualified, and incapable of altering. Unresolved shit from my past is rehashing, reconnecting etc, ad nauseoum yep you guessed it DNA donors(family of origin) are beginning their transitions, slowly.

So all the crap from my past is in my face daily, emotionally, and it’s slow. I suck at slow. Give me a vision, an action step. So events are unfolding, the past is erupting, and I’m miserable.

Ok fine George, it’s new hairy and scary and old, deal with it!

A voice from the beginning of my bipolar recovery said, get on with dying, or get on with living.

I look up from my couch and stare at these things in my living room, I have a lot of them because I feel calmer(I have in the past) being around their images. Hmm, I haven’t felt calm in awhile, what are these things.

Buddha’s, hmm, you know I don’t think ever really studied buddhism much, it’s fall, I usually start studying something.

So I check my smart phone and sure enough not only is there a book on Buddhism, it’s audio!

Yeah, double bonus, so I listen to it. Wow, the voice , tone and messaging didn’t annoy me further, cool.

So in typical obsessive George fashion, I’ve listened to it obsessively while I fall asleep and obsess about it during the day, and boiled it down to this.

observe, breathe(pay attention to sensation of breathe on nostrils), then mind will wander and repeat.

Never being satisfied with 2500 year old wisdom and technique, I added my own from a guided meditation I recorded years ago,

observe the mind, feel the breathe on nostrils, then see if can feel my own pulse and heartbeat.

Then my mind went whamo yeah! Every human has a heart. Every human I’m miserable with or about, is in a drama, then I feel my breathe, listen for my heartbeat, and repeat.

Guess what? For a week I’ve been doing this, and I feel calmer, been actually getting good sleep, and here is why I blogged today(thanks for being patient)

Once I got into the meditation deep enough and my mind paused long enough, answers to my obsessive misery came, and I was released!



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