Spring Ash

27 05 2013

SpringAshI feel a concept shift.

What if my winter of wroughting through unmedicated anguish, and life transition anxiety has given me birth to an entirely new concept of that which is infinite?

I used to think God had a plan

I am now open to a concept that God doesn’t plan, God is present, presence; combined with infinite intelligence, creativity, intuition, experience and wisdom, patience, allowing.

It’s scary to not live in such a GOD planned universe, but to accept more fully emotionally the possibility the God consciousness, is making this up as we go along as well, with infinite more of everything I have access to and more.  It’s kinda funny, when I go oops, oh well, does God go oops? And deal with it in the presence while continuing to create, no matter what???

One of the wonders of being raw bipolar all these years is the benefit of faith cycles, at times I’m a blabbering clear eyed God lover, preaching about getting on one’s knees in times of mental strife to re-alaign with a greater will.

At times, I’m a ghost, in rote robotic function of biological, and job duties as I deep sea dive internally to burn through my current existential disbeliefs and questions.

Emotional events, stress, reoccurring issues, etc, can and do knock me out from time to time.  It is the years of practice and experience taking care of my mind in all shades of state, that allow me to continue as I slow walk through the questions.

Even though my thoughts are obviously not clear enough for written English yet, I still wanted to offer hope to any others who may have had a difficult mental/soul/emotion winter.  Take care as much as you can, because time, and the back of your mind can be a tonic which slowly transitions to integrating huge questions on a very personal level.

I ask be brave.  Be with the PRESENCE, in whatever form it takes inside you, and trust the openings to a greater awareness.

I realize now, last fall, my concepts were limited.  I realize now in the ashes of this winter, I’m connected with a much more unlimited, unplanned acceptance of all that I thought was possible.

I’m learning when I am in angst, it may just be my opening that needs to occur.

Strange, I find myself on my knees again in gratitude, the more open I get, the more connected I experience, what I once judged as good or bad, or planned.




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