Lighthouse Recovery

26 05 2011

“Be the lighthouse not the rescue boat”

“Do I wish to dwell in my mental swamp at work, or regain the serenity of my inner light house?”

Two weeks off, I’m in bliss, ignorant again to the wiles of working people, round one.

I’m peaceful.

I go to 6:30 am maintenance meeting.

It appears a sniper is present, delivers a shot to my ego/anger/resentment mind of past issues I attempted to steer the company around and lost.

The wolf pack senses blood and dives in, I feel rage, the meeting ends I mouth off briefly, get back to my office.

disection.

I was peaceful and very high.

I placed myself in a raw trigger happy environment.  with many longstanding energies and issues, my work tribe.

unexpectedly get triggered.

chemical reactions in my brain/ego go off.

unsucessfully defend and redirect, wolf pack pounces.

I extract.

I seek cave/office, have a moment to check in before next situation occurrs.

after a few minutes, I am able to calm down a minute, and realize it was my ego angry easily offended mind that engaged with impossible odds, group dynamics, and long standing issues.  Even though I am the subject matter expert on the technical issue discussed, they were not smart enough to understand, instead they preferred to belittle and attack.

I drop a bit deeper.  Why am I here?

To support my creative endeavors.

I drop a little deeper, I feel some peace.  I focus my energy and breathe on the bottom of my spine.  This is the source of my creativity peace joy and stillness.

I am in a high risk ego fear environment, If I can release being right, if I can release ego, if I can release and allow the chemical process in my body to reverse, I can once again enjoy my day.

If I can calm down, sing my current gig songs to myself, dwell in my future happy space(July Sundara Concert with my music tribe) revert to thoughts before the meeting event, I can recover this day.

If I allow myself to be the lighthouse of calm serenity in this male ego fear wolfpack of strangers.  I can enjoy my day.  If I allow myself to be present and honor every chemical ego reaction in me, not stuff, not deny, but allow and release, I can re-member who I really am.  Can I fix all of the technical design problems with my company’s industrial activities.  Nope.

Can I revert to who I really am, and be a peaceful soul to the younger men/new fathers, and soon to be married men.

Yes.

Can I earn money to fill dog bowls.

Yes.

I feel calmer.

I’m back in my lighthouse.

I’m listening to the waves wash away the rest of the chemicals of anger/frustration/ego/past resentments, in my body.

I look out the window it is a gourgeous day.

I felt vertical hot water and soap on my skin, I slept well, I ate oatmeal, I drank coffee, I’ve had a couple pleasant interactions, I’m remembering my jam session with my guitar last night, I feel the callouses on my fingertips from playing, and holding the guitar pick in my pocket thinking about tonights jam session after work, and remembering the hours I played with my band.

I begin to hear lyrics in my head, as I head out to my next class with egos bating and ready to pounce, maybe I can mellow thru this one.

Be your light,

George


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