Dark Joy

1 08 2010

“I’ve discovered through brutal trial and error that my sanity is merely the edge of my ego.” George Denslow.

Another close friend called and said, “I’m on my edge, I’m looking over my own mental cliff,”(paraphrased) I smiled and felt joy.   Why?  I’m bipolar, been there, done that, have the training, and I’m here to help. Bigger than that, I love it when people get desperate and are at the edge of their sanity.  I’ve discovered through brutal trial and error that my sanity is merely the edge of my ego. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve slipped over the edge, lost hope and dwelled for years (at times) or moments in the hopeless darkness.  So why do I love it now? Grace.

When I, the ego, completely lets go, and maybe as I head out the gate think, what if I give that person, book, friend, phone, prayer, knees, etc one more try?  (It doesn’t seem to matter who or what it is, all that matters is giving up, and trying one last time).  Miracles happen, again and again and again.  Now maybe there are “normal” people in the world without such huge egos, and reserves of stubbornness such as myself that can surrender sooner to the power of good available to all of us, I just know it has been my process for many years.  I’ve taken life to the absolute limit of my current sanity, given up, and given one last hail mary chance act for sanity and been rewarded with grace.  This is why I laugh wiggle and get excited when some has reached the end of their darkness, and are sincerely seeking their path back to light.

After years of attempting to live in my own limited darkness, and now a regular resident in my light, I can dance and play with the dark ones.  I do my best to distract them from their dark, and listen patiently for them to share their next step back to light.  I don’t know why it works this way, I just know it does and I’m grateful.  If you are in your dark today, be of good cheer, you might actually be closer than you think, of surrendering once again to your own light.

Laughing at the ego monsters dancing in their dark,

George


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