Healing Allowed

13 04 2010

“How can you choose healing in spite of the rules?,” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, April 14th.

One of the many miracles of my life in being bipolar, is the complete disregard of rules.  Granted I have gotten in a lot of trouble, and I’ve also discovered lots of opportunities and new perspectives that I would not have gotten from coloring in the lines.  What I like best about Alan Cohen’s work is a blend of teaching spiritual principles, and laughing at our rules.   I can get all wound up about this or that, and then I read a daily passage or a bit from one of his other books, and laugh again.  Just because I’m on a spiritual journey of discovering the good in bipolar, doesn’t mean I have to be serious.  Yes, I’m not trying to break all the rules all the time anymore, and I don’t have to get lost trying to conform either.  I love the intensity of bipolar when I’m focused and “online”, which I find myself rapidly moving into as I begin to get back into work mode.   It’s also a good reminder for me today, that sometimes the healing I need just is and occurs naturally on it’s own whether I have any conscious activity involved with it or not.

May your day be feeled, with a deep ease,

Hugs,

George





Spring Again

12 04 2010

“The apparent reason for your meeting is just the springboard for a potential experience of connection and expansion.”  Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity, April 12th.

Sometimes I pull the plug out and let myself drain.  Completely.  I don’t excite manipulate encourage or coerce.  Yes it’s great to have a healthy daily routine and enjoy life.  Yes I have phases in which I feel completely empty.  I used to worry fight struggle tell story and freak out friends and family over this.  Fortunately I’ve been around the Sun enough times, and stayed up with the Moon to know two things.  1)it happens. 2)it will pass.  Which leads me to the biggest thought I had this time.  So What?

Yes, inside the tunnel of emptiness thoughts can stray to the ultimate darkness, things don’t get done, and I’m not happy go lucky.

My point is:  When I meet my emptiness, and allow it to fill me, what is the ultimate connection and expansion?

True dark complete emptiness, scares the fertilizer out of me.

When all the crap that’s been floating around in my head gets scared away and drained out by my own darkness, I can begin again with what truly matters to me next in creating in my life.

I didn’t write, pray, meditate, or exercise.  But I finally did something I’ve been wanting to for a long long time.  I said the heck with my fear(crap in head) and said yes to a burning passion to purchase hardware and training for a home audio studio.  This scares the new crap out of me.  This set me on fire.

Now I can record my book in audio form, record blogs, and inspirational guided meditations.

Maybe it took my complete emptiness, and lack of busy-ness to uncover my burning me.

Shakin in a good way,

George





Unplugged, Ahhhhh

7 04 2010

Plop Plop, fizz fizz, my brain finally disengaged from whatever current obsession it had and is finally relaxing.  It’s awesome to have the use of turbo thinking power on demand, and yet my favorite part is when I am able to let go and just relax.   Thank god for awesome life coaches, and friends with spiritual perspectives that can gently guide me back from my intensity between my ears and reintroduce me to life is good, abundant and ok, exactly as it is.  Sometime I get so worked up, obsessed worried, non stop, I forget to just breathe and allow life to happen.

chillin,

George





Numb

6 04 2010

I find myself staring at my little Iphone screen furiously playing a new favorite game as my arms cramp.  I put down the game because the battery died and I pick up the remote and mindlessly watch tv.  I lie in bed watching old movies until my laptop watches me as my eyes close because I can’t keep them open any longer.  Thank God I’m on a vegetarian healthy food kick so when I eat too much it’s not as hard for my body to digest.  A slight whisper in the back of my mind, hey George, guess what, you are numb and lost in the back of your cave right now and might need to focus on learning the lesson and coming back out.

A day later, I’ve slept in again, and get ready to pick up my iphone, when I hear a whisper, hey George, the easiest way to begin again is to get on your knees and ask for help.

I ignore this but I do find myself doing my exercises, and sitting in my meditation chair.

The moment I sit still without distraction the emotions run high, I feel crazy and want to run, move scream cry.  But that’s what I’ve been doing silently on the inside as I’ve numbed out.

It’s ok George, it’s called being triggered,   you don’t feel safe or ok right now, and all the doors to past crap opened up and overwhelmed you.  An involuntary tear dribbles down my cheek and catches in my whiskers.  It itches and tickles at the same time.

It’s ok George, I know you feel crazy, unsafe and want to continue numbing, but wasn’t there something else you were really looking forward to doing with your time off?

A breathe, deep, escapes my lungs and I take another, grateful for the slight relief and comfort it brings.

I sit a while longer and gently confront the neurotic energy in my mind and body, and gently ask myself what do I really want, what is the real feeling  I am seeking.  When past story comes up, I just ask myself, what do I really want to feel right now, safety, security, comfort.  So I let myself repeat these words even though I am not experiencing them in order to gently redirect my mind.  I feel safe.  I feel secure.  I feel ok.  I am safe now. Over , and over, breathe.  Repeat

An hour later, I’m still a little bit of a jumpy horse eyeing my iphone game and twitching to watch more movies, but I can at least think a little bit, and blog, share my bipolar journey, it is my passion.  Capture what I can of mental gifts, and the ways out I discover so that it may help others.  PSTD, is no fun.  I hate labels.  Sometimes they help me to acknowledge where I am, so that I can initiate methods that I know have worked in the past to find my way back to conscious choice and action instead of continual numb.

Seeing,

George








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