Faith Renewal

19 04 2010

It always amazes me when I think I know what’s going on, then life reveals something entirely different.

With bipolar it would appear I have a natural lack of inhibition to see and speak truth.  I can be placed in a situation and know and see the dynamics going on as simply as breathing.

When the lack of truth or denial of what I perceive to really be going on gets to a certain level, I do my best to speak my truth and follow social protocol(after years of attempting to learn it through trial error and grey hair).

If at a certain point I become passionate enough or scared enough about what’s going on, I usually blow my lid.

Afterwards I feel uncomfortable and bad about myself because I no longer like creating the physical mental and emotional feeling inside my body associate with anger fear and reaction.

My last work shift I came on all peaceful after my off time, and within two days was a raging idiot.  (this is the story I told myself and felt on the inside).  I didn’t fill out an evaluation for the class and just left feeling horrible for allowing myself to get so upset.

I come back on shift this time loaded for bear.  I felt antagonistic, ready to fight and defend myself, and be on top of my game.

Instead I’ve drifted into a gentle cloud and all the reasons why I love my job.  Spring, sun on the mountains.  Hanging out with long time friends after work.  No crisis work schedule, no hassles with boss, etc.  etc.

AAAAnd, the bonus round, as a very intuitive person, with extreme sensitivity, that I’ve slowly become aware of and sought out spiritual and positive metaphysical philosophy and practises to compensate for(ie:dealing with bipolar disorder and manic depression), I’ve become a defacto life coach.

In my remote work place there are no towns or local resources for helping people through life challenges when they occur here.

What I am amazed about is every time I think, it’s time to move on, I’m shown new people, new struggles, in a remote place I feel adjusted to, that need someone who is able to listen, ask questions, and listen more, as they figure out what they need to create or perceive in a new way in their life.

Also, an evaluator, and a fellow student called me about the previous class in which I blew up in and felt horrible about.   Both assured me my behavior was appropriate, the instructor was out of line, and thanked me for sharing my wisdom and truth about the situation, and asked me what could be done better in the future.

This left me renewed and dumbfounded on many levels.

It also affirmed, what is truth?, what is story?, and do I really think I know whats going on?

My gratitiude for today:  I love being who I am, and I really love it when I receive feedback, that who I naturally am, actually helps and is of service to others, who may not always be as aware of dynamics, or as trained in articulating perception when it boils over.

My affirmation for today;  I trust the process of life, and the divine intervention and guidance when it is needed.

In deep gratitude,

George


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