Numb

6 04 2010

I find myself staring at my little Iphone screen furiously playing a new favorite game as my arms cramp.  I put down the game because the battery died and I pick up the remote and mindlessly watch tv.  I lie in bed watching old movies until my laptop watches me as my eyes close because I can’t keep them open any longer.  Thank God I’m on a vegetarian healthy food kick so when I eat too much it’s not as hard for my body to digest.  A slight whisper in the back of my mind, hey George, guess what, you are numb and lost in the back of your cave right now and might need to focus on learning the lesson and coming back out.

A day later, I’ve slept in again, and get ready to pick up my iphone, when I hear a whisper, hey George, the easiest way to begin again is to get on your knees and ask for help.

I ignore this but I do find myself doing my exercises, and sitting in my meditation chair.

The moment I sit still without distraction the emotions run high, I feel crazy and want to run, move scream cry.  But that’s what I’ve been doing silently on the inside as I’ve numbed out.

It’s ok George, it’s called being triggered,   you don’t feel safe or ok right now, and all the doors to past crap opened up and overwhelmed you.  An involuntary tear dribbles down my cheek and catches in my whiskers.  It itches and tickles at the same time.

It’s ok George, I know you feel crazy, unsafe and want to continue numbing, but wasn’t there something else you were really looking forward to doing with your time off?

A breathe, deep, escapes my lungs and I take another, grateful for the slight relief and comfort it brings.

I sit a while longer and gently confront the neurotic energy in my mind and body, and gently ask myself what do I really want, what is the real feeling  I am seeking.  When past story comes up, I just ask myself, what do I really want to feel right now, safety, security, comfort.  So I let myself repeat these words even though I am not experiencing them in order to gently redirect my mind.  I feel safe.  I feel secure.  I feel ok.  I am safe now. Over , and over, breathe.  Repeat

An hour later, I’m still a little bit of a jumpy horse eyeing my iphone game and twitching to watch more movies, but I can at least think a little bit, and blog, share my bipolar journey, it is my passion.  Capture what I can of mental gifts, and the ways out I discover so that it may help others.  PSTD, is no fun.  I hate labels.  Sometimes they help me to acknowledge where I am, so that I can initiate methods that I know have worked in the past to find my way back to conscious choice and action instead of continual numb.

Seeing,

George


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