An Alan Moment

23 03 2010

“If something can be done, I can do it.” Alan Cohen, A Daily Dose of Sanity.  March 23rd.

When in doubt, refer to step A.  (by the way this is a note to self blog)(I had several blowouts over the last week with a teacher in a class)(when in doubt I refer to the root of my spiritual path, books)(favorite Author, teacher, friend, coach, confidant=Alan Cohen)

I was a total jerk for the last 4 days.  I blew my cool, yelled, felt like an idiot, and repeated the cycle.

The good news is, I’m not currently delusional about my spiritual status.  I’ve obviously uncovered another layer of my onion that needs a healin.

As my claws begin to retract and my horns slide back into my skull and my dragon flame words begin to reside, I comfort myself with reading my teachers words.

It never ceases to amaze me, how fast Alan can cut through my crap, and help me feel better about myself, and focus on the solution.

The bottom line is, I’m scared, and I took it out on someone else in the form of anger.  Someone who was actually trying to help.  Albiet I didn’t agree with his methods, yet honestly, the guy wouldn’t be trying to teach me new skills if he wasn’t interested in helping me get through this transition in my life.

It’s amazing how uncomfortable I feel in my body after I’ve had a blow out.   I know I need to sort out a bit more what really happened.  Open my mind and heart to gain perspective, and reconnect with the instructor in a way which can rebuild the relationship.  If I don’t do this, A) I will always feel uncomfortable about this memory.  B) It will just be more fuel for dragon words next time I erupt.  C)I’ll miss the good stuff from looking inside to figure out really why I erupted.  No matter how many times I point my finger at him, it’s really 3 pointed back at some part of me, I ain’t willing to accept or deal with yet.

So I read and ponder Alan’s words today, and know, I can do this.  I can look in my heart and sort out this funky energy to do my part in repairing a currently difficult working relationship, I can overcome my fears in a new career.  I can overcome this manic/anger swing, and get on with my most of the time peaceful life.

This is how I live bipolar, a day at a time.  This is how I recover from blowouts, before they drive me into a manic rage, or avoidance depression.  I capture the little things as they happen, and do my best to quickly speak/write my real truth until harmony is once again present.

Some people I’ve raged at over the years, are not open to reconnecting, that’s ok, as long as I am willing, my energy remains positive and free to focus on being peaceful in my life, and doing my best not to create future circumstances in which I erupt in.

Thank God for teachers like Alan Cohen that help me find my way back to peace inside when I am ready.

Breathing,

George


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