Clear, Honor, Rhythm

1 12 2009

I’ve been scared shtless lately.  Two weeks ago an event occurred that triggered a chain of events that if I were totally honest about, have knocked me on my ____ on the inside.  I functioned.  I fullfilled obligations for room and board.  But inside I was lost gone bye, bye.  There have been a myraid of blog titles I emailed to myself and never wrote, concious anxiety-how to gain the benefits of anxiety while observing ones self go through it(a rather out of mind day).

I got through the first wave in about a week and felt good and functional and could have communicated and blogged, but then I used the energy to take care of myself.  Get through the obligations, create what I needed to be ok next.

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, Live your vision”, pg 51 of my book.  Living Out Of Darkness.

Even now as I attempt my first blog in over a week, my energy is muddy.  I have been honoring my rhythm, I’ve been scared, and extra gentle.  I have finally figured out that no matter how harsh I can be with me, whispers get me where I want to be much faster.  The more I allow every little voice in me to speak up, the more whole I feel.  Whenever I’ve been triggered, dark, non-functional, non-verbal, at times catatonic, and I have taken the time to listen, instead of criticise, the little parts of me, I start to feel whole again.  I also know any time I’ve yelled at a part of myself for being week or too emotional, or xyz, then usually that part of me will surface again.

Even though I’m not out of the woods yet,  I am very grateful for having created a lifestyle with lots of down time, and the awareness I have accumulated over the years with bipolar to be able to let myself be still, be open, be in nature, and allow the frazzled parts of me to speak up, and let go.

It doesn’t matter to me how many times I drop the ball let go, or become triggered and non-functional, what matters to me now, is knowing and allowing my own natural rhythyms to gradually reset me into a calmer, more peaceful, functional state.

Clearing, honoring, rhythming,

George


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5 03 2015
Emily

Thank you George for your gift of words. “Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, live your vision.” That phrase makes a monumental difference in how I live my life.

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