Urkiness

6 11 2009

Smaaaa.

Warning:  This blog may be in Crypto from planet George(the planet he refers to as where he came from that makes sense and is familiar)

Viewers note: This could be interesting watching the subject deal with growth as he types.

We now tune into our blog for today.

Growth.  Hmph.

Still ponds of unresolved issues gently simmering in the deep are nice.  Peaceful, pretty things to look at sooth the soul and ignore.

ISSSUEEES. (with slurred tonge) when they bubble up.  (in plain english here) SUCK.

uh oh, WARNING SIGN:  Hello bipolar viewers, this is a yellow caution light on the control panel, it’s blinking growth opportunity is occurring(the fine print indicates when investigated closer; deal with explore this NOW, or wait till it goes Booga boooga grab smack.)

Busy-ness, other priorities, it’s not the right time yet, are all great pastimes I engage in when back issues are simmering.

Presently stuff I would rather ignore and forget has surfaced.  AND guess what????

This time I have manifested a great conscious group of individuals to help coach me thru it, Yeah!!!

oh cripes, you mean its explore affirm feel watch allow time?

Yup.

Breeeeathe George.  DEEEEp breaths, breath in, hold, stay with the feeeling alllow it.  I know it’s scary, now let out the breath.

repeat.

When an unresolved issue emerges with bipolar, I know, trust me on this one, from many years of any and every kind of distraction I can come up with, it’s best to line up support, write it out, breathe it out, and figure out what I don’t like, let it go as best I can, visualize what I do want, and let it in gently by taking baby steps towards the positive.

The benefit of many dark gifts from my past, is knowing first hand how negative behavior feels and affects others.

Knowing what it feels like to pass on negative experience to others quickly brings clarity to what I want and don’t want to create for myself and others.

I want, healthy relationships.  More specifically, a healthy intimate relationship with a special someone.

 

AAAAAGh, no George don’t say that how dare you be so open you freakin me out man.

ha ha, bugaboo is out.(insert breath here for George(breathe for him please))(thank you)

While being functional as an individual, ie being able to balance out my swings enough to provide abundant food, shelter, water, fun and lots of adventure while I manifest dreams, is my Forte’.

Healthy long term intimate relationships, is my biggest area of growth opportunity.

After many sucessful disasters, I’m a bit gunshy and jaded.

Yet, hiding in a cave forvever, enjoying the abundance and the healthy friendships I have created won’t cut it either.

Why?

Because I’m never satisfied with surviving.  I thrive.  Bipolar used to be a huge negative for me.  But since it’s become such a huge spiritually motivating practise for me, I aim to thrive and enjoy life in every aspect I possibly can.

Even though I have much growth opportunity ahead of me in order to be in an intimate relationship, I know it is an important aspect of soul satisfaction to continue exploring until there is a big ahhh.

ok, that’s me for today, gently sitting in my urkiness, letting the bugaboos bubble, and receiving lots of support from healthy friends I am deeeply grateful for.

George





*Hugs Self*

5 11 2009

A good friend of mine puts astericks in front of and behind action statements in her emails, I likes this.  Another friend of mine suggested I write out another relationships execercise.  If there is one thing about positive metaphysics, I have zero patience at times(still waiting for the bipolar and relationships book).

ok George where ya going with all this.

*hugs self*

We as bipolar individuals, as in me, is my first and foremost line of defense, and cure.

?

The more I am able to gently figure out and allow what activities stimulate peace and enjoyment in my daily life, the more I can relax into being who I am, rather then who I or someone else may think I should could would be.

I have adapted and manipulated myself into many contorted positions over the years to try and fit in with this person place or thing.  Never works in the long run.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m stubborn beyond any reasonable comprehension, I can stick it out in a bad situation for years beating myself against the wall of not accepting who and what I really am.  I can also slide into roles that aren’t extremely uncomfortable that sort of fit and only recquire a few modifications to my beliefs, and cruise along.

Deep unhappiness, has always been the result.  I can be physically taken care of, and have the current illusion of security, but am I really just walking numb through life to the possibilities of who and how I can best serve the experience of life?

The train wrecks, I have made out of my life, and survived by finally jumping the wrong tracks I was on have always taught me one thing in the long run.

Who I really am, underneath behind all the fear I love to play with, is AWESOME.  I am unique, one of a kind, and have much to offer myself and others who need my unique blend of life.

Bipolar can be so scary at times in figuring out the basics, food, shelter, water, that it is easy to lose ones self in roles that aren’t the full juice and marrow in life.  I understand this firsthand, and often hesitate for years before trying anything new, and yet when I’m ready, and willing, I make another attempt.   Some new things work out, some don’t.  Each new adventure ususally shows me something I really like about myself, or something I don’t want, the more things I love about myself and keep and incorporate in my daily life, the more I hug myself, just as I am, and be ok.

It’s simple.  Discovery of what makes me wiggle, giggle, smile, sigh, and relax, insures a strength inside to better deal with the swings, the moods, the upsets, the sensitivities when them come.

*hugs self*

George





Wiggle Ziggle Thpppt

4 11 2009

Ahh, can you here it….

It’s siiiilly time.  Of all the strange phases I wander thru in being bipolar, I must admit I have a favorite.  Unabashed, un edited, SILLY MODE.  Watch out universe I’m Laughing today, at anything and everything.

?

uh oh, does this mean the u know what is going to…NOPE.

Yes there are times and places when silliness could posssssssibly construuuued as iiiinnaaa propriate.

but, more then we thinks so, if we give ourselves persmission, SILLINESS can cure mannny things.

There is just nothing like drifting out of deep sea time into thumbs in the ears fingers wagging, tounge sticking out and thhhpppts.  ok everyone, try it with me now , 1, 2, 3,  THppfttssslklklkjssstthppt.

Ah.  Now didn’t that feeel better.  What were you so posssibly serious about that it turned you smile upside down?

The best part about sucessfully walking through dark bipolar times, and crazy episodes in life, is after having survived the current onslaught we can create or throw at ourselves, the big scaries, may not be as big anymore.

This is big.  This is huge.  I used to have so many fears, about so many things.  Thanks to the benefits of bipolar, I actually got to experience many of my nightmares, first hand.

And guess what?  I survived, I learned, I tried again with a bigger vision/experience/plan, and

THRIVED, time and again.  If you were smart, you could probably listen to others, learn from their mistakes, and walk a smoother path.

but if you are an idiot like me(sometimes)(ok many times at times) then take heart.

No matter how much crap I’ve gotten into, with a positive attitude, and a heavy dose of absolute silliness at monsters I’ve conquered on previous engagements if they dare raise there ugly heads again,

I have overcome and thrived, and lived in new and bigger dreams, much better then I planned or thought possible.

Of course I still generate crap to deal with and areas of my life leave much room for improvement, but the basics, and a lot of fun, are abundant.

I am grateful to be bipolar, GOOOOfy, and very siiiilly today.

George

(the strange one riding his bike sticking his tongue out and flapping his wings again)





Essence…

2 11 2009

What is the essence of your soul?

How do I exist, why do I exist, do I serve a purpose?

There is a gentleness in my silent non-verbal times, that I deeply cherish now.  My silent times with bipolar used to be dark, ugly, scary.  The previous questions used to drive me deeper darker faster into the muck and mud of my beautiful soul buried in shame disgust, and fear of life.

It is time, silence, patience, gentleness, and most of all the message of non judgement, that has allowed me to sift through the layers over the years with bipolar, until these questions, now offer the calm of knowing for the moment, and knowing a path which refreshes the answers as needed, and the excitement of curiously asking them still.

In silence, stillness, non activity, a long pause with morning tea in my yard, I awake the answers of deep peace.  Mountain runs and surging energy is a fun phase of bipolar,  deep still rhythmic openess, can be just as invigorating for the soul. When the inner monsters have abated, and the knowing of how all states of mind, and emotion can serve others in need, a sweet exquisite stillness can occur in solitude.  I used to fear the lows, the dark, unobligated time to just sit and be.  I would experience the door of the cave as enticing and wander in unnecessarily, or was it a necessity, to sit in the unresolved uncomfortableness of who I am, until the opening of acceptance, and gratitude for serving in the silence became a foundation for peace in the faster high energy moments.

As this current phase of non-verbal silence and renewal passes, and the next butterfly catches my soul’s curisity to chase I am comforted in knowing, I can pause and know, I serve in silence and non-doing.  Having, allowing, creating non-obligated times, on a regular scheduled basis for being with my bipolar gift, has been the biggest treasure, a freeing experience I have created for myself in dealing with the down rhythms.  Initially it was seemingly impossible because life was full(or had I created a full life to avoid), but when opportunity presented itself to create unscheduled time in my life, and I siezed upon it(and didn’t fill it with obligations), I’ve discovered over time, a deeper and deeper appreciation for sensitivity, non-judgement, and awareness of being able to be slow even when life is fast.

The essence of my soul today, is to give voice to silence.

George








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