12 11 2009

Wow, I get to be in Geek School and learn all about how information gets from one person’s laptop to another.  Holy Cow, bat man this is fun, look when I type this here it does this, wow.

aaa, george.  excuse me George, yeah, aaa, what???

I was anti-enthusiastic when I got up this morning to go to a class in geek world(those of us who figure out how to make geek toys work, get together and study ….oh never mind), I’d be happy to explain further but I can tell everyone’s eyes are at half mast and the attention span never was.

Which is why I made a decision today about 1/2 hour into my class to get into it. I’m not actually sure if this was a conscious decision or a healthy pattern.  I didn’t notice I had become enthusiastic until my lab partner couldn’t contain it anymore and burst out laughing.  I asked him is everything ok, did you miss something did you want to go through the exercise again??

No he said, “How come you are so enthusiastic and excited about a * instead of a # showing up on the prompt”

Not realizing my external audio circuit(mouth) was still on I said, “ya gotta celebrate the little victories, my forehead used to be round until I pounded it flat on keyboards trying to make geek world work…”

Realizing I was now confirming his opinion that I had indeed lost it in his presence and I was now officially part of the Borg(Star Trek(major geek movie reference)), I was fortunately able to run into the control room in my brian and turn off the mouth.   Whew, that was a close one.

Deep, dark depression, ugly moments/years, between my ears, have lead me to celebrate with great enthusiasm the smallest victories in my life.

When I had a head/bookshelves/backpacks, full of positive practical metaphysical thoughts, and little or no results, the positive side of me learned to become very patient, and celebratory when positive thoughts or experiences would emerge.

It’s kinda weird just like sometimes my external audio circuit(my mouth) will turn on by accident and confuse people, sometimes my face detaches.  I can walk around with a frown on my face and actually be happy, or so focussed on trying to being happy, I’m unaware of being unhappy.  When I had a ratio of more dark to light thoughts, as best I could I dwelled on the positive ones.  I could walk through really boring or dramatic times, and be totally focussed on the occasional positive thought or positive spiritual technique I could attempt next time I was willing.

Enthusiasm  has become a very powerful ally for me in my life with bipolar.  My first thoughts in the morning, and a healthy daily routine are not always light and willing.  Yet, when I allow myself to discover something silly or inane to get excited about, it can open up unexpected joyful days.  Enthusiasm’s biggest ally I’ve discovered, is my happy inner kiddo.  When I give myself permission to get excited and goofy in boring situations, my imagination can light up a room or a task in a heartbeat.

Today, I am grateful for all the dark years with bipolar, because I learned patience, enthusiasm, and deep gratitude for the little things in life, especially when they go better then expected.

OOOPS!  I almost forgot,  My iphone ap is done!!! And it’s availible for download through the ap store, aaaandd.  I have press releases coming out.

I have all the links on my webpage http://www.livingoutofdarkness.com

May your evening be filled with a deep serenity of a day well lived.




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