2 11 2009

What is the essence of your soul?

How do I exist, why do I exist, do I serve a purpose?

There is a gentleness in my silent non-verbal times, that I deeply cherish now.  My silent times with bipolar used to be dark, ugly, scary.  The previous questions used to drive me deeper darker faster into the muck and mud of my beautiful soul buried in shame disgust, and fear of life.

It is time, silence, patience, gentleness, and most of all the message of non judgement, that has allowed me to sift through the layers over the years with bipolar, until these questions, now offer the calm of knowing for the moment, and knowing a path which refreshes the answers as needed, and the excitement of curiously asking them still.

In silence, stillness, non activity, a long pause with morning tea in my yard, I awake the answers of deep peace.  Mountain runs and surging energy is a fun phase of bipolar,  deep still rhythmic openess, can be just as invigorating for the soul. When the inner monsters have abated, and the knowing of how all states of mind, and emotion can serve others in need, a sweet exquisite stillness can occur in solitude.  I used to fear the lows, the dark, unobligated time to just sit and be.  I would experience the door of the cave as enticing and wander in unnecessarily, or was it a necessity, to sit in the unresolved uncomfortableness of who I am, until the opening of acceptance, and gratitude for serving in the silence became a foundation for peace in the faster high energy moments.

As this current phase of non-verbal silence and renewal passes, and the next butterfly catches my soul’s curisity to chase I am comforted in knowing, I can pause and know, I serve in silence and non-doing.  Having, allowing, creating non-obligated times, on a regular scheduled basis for being with my bipolar gift, has been the biggest treasure, a freeing experience I have created for myself in dealing with the down rhythms.  Initially it was seemingly impossible because life was full(or had I created a full life to avoid), but when opportunity presented itself to create unscheduled time in my life, and I siezed upon it(and didn’t fill it with obligations), I’ve discovered over time, a deeper and deeper appreciation for sensitivity, non-judgement, and awareness of being able to be slow even when life is fast.

The essence of my soul today, is to give voice to silence.




One response

6 11 2009

“to sit in the unresolved uncomfortableness of who I am” – loving this post in its totality, and this line especially

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