Bipolar Contemplation

27 05 2009

As I sit here today near the end of another hopefully final disentanglement with a woman whom I was engaged, I can’t help but want to blog. What George? How ya gonna spin this one as good. Easy.
I loved her with all my heart and soul. I grew so much being with someone I so intensely wanted to be and succeed with that I ignored other parts of me. As I grew with her in so many ways, I shied away from quieter still slow parts of me. Over the last 1 ½ years as we separated, I rediscovered with a vengeance the still small slow part of me that is quite content to get up in the morning and go sit by the river of life and not have to put my paddle in the water determined to make life go by faster. It’s been a real joy to be quiet, be still, and sit until I’m ready for the next activity.
But George how the heck do ya do that? Easy. I cheat. Years ago I discovered I was unfit for employment so I married a woman with three children and got a 80-90 hr full time job. Ok I’m confused here George r ya mixin stories again.??? Ok. I determined after a number of years wandering around on my spiritual quest doing volunteer work or living in my car that anything more then 20 hours a weeks was an infringement upon my creative time and so I determined I was unfit for employment. Life moved on and I fell in love with a woman that agreed with me. Needless to say with winter coming and 5 mouths to feed when offered a job, I took it and began transforming all that I had learned on my spiritual journey into the hard core world of marriage, kids, full-time job, etc. It wasn’t long after I met a bunch of guys that did shift work. Shift work? What’s that? 12 hours a day, for 14 days, then 14 days off. There are many variations of this.
So I set my sites on gaining the skills necessary to do the job these guys had and paid my dues as a contractor until I could wiggle my way in. Unfortunately the marriage didn’t last, but that’s another story.
What I ended up with was a very busy time of the month, and a very open part of the month. For the last several years I filled my time with a woman I loved deeply and wanted to marry, but it didn’t work out.
When the busy-ness of the relationship ended, I was left with open time to discover who I was now. This last year I’ve made it a spiritual practice whenever I am able to sit and not move until the passion, the energy or the desire for the next thing compels me to move. This has allowed me to let go of many things I thought were necessary or required, and allowed me to re cultivate the act of contemplation. With bipolar our senses can be so easily filled and overwhelmed with input, we (I) require to just sit, sift, sort, and reflect on what’s really important, and what if any my next actions are. I’ve found that I’m very satisfied with the clearer actions I have taken, and much quicker to return to serenity if a storm passes by(in or outside) of my head.


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