Bipolar Blues, an Enhancement Opportunity

18 05 2009

Blog Post #2 051809
Well here goes, blog post #2.  The roller coaster continues.  Instant bingo.  Nope.  Not me, not yet.  Full of adventure excitement shaky hands good days/bad days?  Yes.  Bipolar, a life enhancement opportunity for the willing.  George, I gotta ask dude, do ya ever have bad days??  Yep.  For instance I published my book in March.  20 year obsession, and wham it was done in my hands.  Worry stress fear.  And it’s done.  Zoom gone for  awhile.  Feeling like I was below the high tide line and waves kept washing over me.  It’s part of the on going journey with bipolar that I’ve learned to embrace.  It’s why I wrote the book.  If all days were golden flow, then science would be figuring ways to help us all be bipolar.  But here is the juicy secret after almost 40 years I’ve discovered.  My journey does not resemble much that I would assume to be normal around me.  My journey is an embrace of all that I see and is.  My highs let me see the potential in me and around me and those that I know and am close to.  My lows let me feel the loss, angst, pain, emptiness, and depths of life.  And no matter what I’m feeling, even right now, a bit blue and empty, the choice remains up to me.  Will I allow myself a little time to acknowledge the emptiness, to deeply look into my eyes and others and allow me self to feel the emptiness, not fix, control, or manipulate, just feel and allow it long enough to acknowledge it is there, and continue taking care of myself?  Sometimes on days like this I switch myself over to rote control.  ?  Yes, rote control, intellectually I know, I need to be as sensitive and slow as I can with myself today, if possible.  Fortunately I’m off work, and have plenty of time to do this.  Even though I feel down and out, I’ve got things to do.  In order to be successfully bipolar today, I need to take care of my body, mind, and spirit.  To be gentle with my mind and emotions, I took a little extra time getting up, and getting going.  I read a fun book for awhile and lingered at a park on the way to my gym.  I drove a little slower then usual through traffic and made sure gentle music was on.  I planned my route a little longer but easier to negotiate(less thinking and jostling through traffic).  Instead of giving into the feeling of grief, uselessness and hopelessness, I allowed a gentle pressure, and ongoing conversation with spirit to make gentle steps towards my goals.  I’m not going to run a marathon today, or leap any tall buildings, but by allowing myself to interact slowly with humans, the warm water in the spa at the gym and a bike ride later today, I’ve allowed my self time to be gentle.  If the feelings dissipate now or 3 days/3 months from now, I know the physical routines needs to be similar, get up, be gentle, be nurturing, allow stillness and quiet time as much as possible, and I will get through this.  What time with bipolar has taught me, is that regardless of how physically (up to being catatonic on the couch) or mentally I’m caught up in my current experience, gentle time will allow it to pass.  Just like a slow moving river, this dessert, or rain forest of emotions will pass, and soon I’ll be “normal”, or excited, and easily involved in my activities again.  If I stop the boat, get out on the shore and dwell in the desert, then I usually dry up and get worse.  If I stay moody in the rain forest all day, I’ll usually get worse.  Already today, with gentle actions I’m feeling a bit excited.  I worked on my websites, replied to emails, and I’m getting a little excited about a trip coming up.  If I’d stayed in bed, I’d probably be really bored burying my head under my pillow feeling much worse about my obligations, and making matters worse.   I also know because I allowed my experience today, when I do feel more up to speed, I’ll have deeper appreciation and contrast to compare it with.  When I am up to normal speed, if I run across someone in the dumps, I’ll be able to spent a moment longer with them and not have to say a word.  It’s a gentle dance people have played with me for years when I’ve been down.  A moment of compassion, strangers or not, seems to lift me faster then anything else, regardless if I am the giver or the receiver, in that moment we are both.  Words not always need apply.  So am grateful for this slow blue day because my well of compassion is filled, and instead of draining my batteries to make this day happen, I’ve allowed it to unfold with a gentleness that I’ve come to deeply appreciate over time.
This is why today, bipolar has been an enhancing experience.
Peace
George


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