Truth Indicators

It takes one to know one.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m a bullshitter from way back.  My genetics taught me very well.  Teflon is actually a restriction.  The best part about being adept at bsing oneself, is cutting to the core when I’m done running away from the truth.  The best part about being on a path of discovery from victimhood mentality which is easily available and promoted in our culture to self-regulation and direction, is that it works.  Easy?  Nope.  Doable, yes.

I love the internal experience I’ve gained from firsthand betrayal and destruction of the illusions of ideality.  The journey from innocence, to possibility.  Real possibility.  Idealic, instant manifestations? Maybe for some.  Practical daily progress towards inner peace, connection with the greater intelligent unknown, or creation of tangible empirical realities, Yes.  Repeatable.

Unhappy?  Disillusioned?  Are you ready?  Are you really ready to take up the reigns of your own destiny and create what’s next, or are you still entertained/distracted by your mind’s current interpretation of the reality illusion you find your self dwelling in?

I’ll give myself an Oscar any day for being able to dramatize and dwell in unhappiness, but when I chose to dedicate 10 percent or even less of that energy, into using my magic wand in the form of a pencil or crayon, on good old fashioned back in the day paper, and let it pour out.  Wow!  Amazing results.  This is what I don’t like and am done with.  This is what I do like and want more of.  And this is what I do to distract myself from creating what is new, or appreciating what I already have.

Sometimes nothing needs to happen, but appreciation.  In this time of winter(can we officially declare that yet, the thermometer I walked past on the way to work indicated -20F, so I’ll say it’s official, we are in Silly Season).  Yup, that’s my official name for it.  It’s cold.  It’s dark.   And all around us I see opportunity to distract into negative whoa is me.  Hmm.  Real dangerous mental activity for a guy like me to entertain for very long.

So  l love to circle back to a daily routine that really works.  Read positive literature, pray, meditate, stretch my body, and dedicate 10 or more minutes on my next dream go-all.

This lines me up to see and act on truth, TODAY, in spite of my incredible capacity to create otherwise.

What do I chose to create today?

Big Hug,

George

Soul God

“Clear your energy, Honor your rhythm, Live your vision.”  George Denslow, Living Out of Darkness.

Words.  I’ve been anti-words lately.  But they keep jumping into my head so this is an attempt to raddle some of them out and make more space to be.  Yup, just be.  It’s not a very active hobby but I must admit it is my favorite for the last couple of years.

First the war ended between my ears by finally accepting and allowing who I really am to be ok with me; A gentle, creative, intuitive, visionary, solo, contemplative lover of stillness, joy, and chillin out.

And then the strangest most unexpected thing happened.  I finally broke free of the mis-identity/diagnosis of bipolar.  Nope.  Not crazy.  Just real.  I’m a very real person, with little or no tolerance for bullshit, and high capacity to see energy and potential.  With an incredible skill set to interact and gently encourage people to live in and become their dreams if at all possible.

I quietly tackle the problem of International Relations, by focusing on internal relations.  Working on my own in the private undocumented sector, one person at a time, beginning with becoming who I really am first.

Of course you place a highly intuitive creative empathetic visionary in a crazy dysfunctional environment long enough.  We are going to blow out, be labeled, controlled, medicated, and homogenized if at all possible.

I’ve since learned/been blessed with a year of incredible conversations with a psychiatrist, one that I wasn’t legally forced to interact with or pay to go see.   How bizarre is that right?  20 plus years after being locked up by a shrink, and 20 years of finding my way back out, a friendship emerges from the same profession, to help me be released, internally, from what was obviously an attempt to control my reaction to prolonged stress, rather than an understanding of how a person such as myself could end up in such a predicament.

I should probably stop writing now, but once I’m on a truth roll, well, the rest is well documented.  Turns out, it’s easier for the medical/insurance/medication industry complex, to quickly diagnose a person as bipolar, and get someone on medication rather than to explore other possibilities.

Thank God, I was so ornery as to refuse meds, and find my own organic way out, even though it took many years.

Basically.  Here’s the deal.  Yes, there may be real bipolar people, who could benefit from professional conscious psychiatrists.  No, not all people diagnosed with bipolar, even though they are currently displaying bipolar behaviors, need to be permanently labeled as such.

If your professional help, is willing to explore the possibility of your own recovery from the inside out.  I highly recommend my book, Living Out of Darkness.  It’s available at Amazon,  as an itunes ap, through kindle, nook, etc.

Oh, back to the title.

Soul-the true source of your uniquetivity.

Uniquetivity-where your creativity, and only that which you can do meet.

God-the envelope in which your soul exists.

Soul God-the quickest most visceral interaction with God you can have, is thru your soul.

More later,

Feels good to let words splatter on the screen again.

Much love,

George

Hello World

 

Plug plug charge.  Hmm.  Where is the on button on this walkman? (I’m having a retro ‘80s moment).  Ever since the guards at work upgraded their stereo, in which we could blast back to the time before smartphones internet and all the digital b.s. , yes I said it.  I’ve been in an unplugged mode.   I’m calling it a new spiritual practice for a digital age.   Go ahead, I double dog dare you.  Can you last a minute or more with out a digital fix????  That’s one side of the coin, often coated with judgments’ easily oozed from my mouth about “virtual” friends of “kids” now a days and how utterly clueless they are about being real.

Here is the newsflash.  I’m the idiot.

It’s amazing to have lived long enough to know there was a time before now.  Don’t get me wrong, I know these exact moments in which we are breathing are the good old days.  AND, some means of conducting life were actually good in the ‘80s.  Like our healthy way of dealing with the bullshit of life was loud doses of obnoxious rock and roll.  We weren’t nice, we didn’t poo poo meaness or sugar coat the reality of idiots getting more rights than the innocent.  If someone was innocent and getting trampled, we yelled or fought about it if we were of a mind to protect the innocent person or situation.

On the flip side, we never loved nourished and supported each other at an open mic.  My hat is off to the youth in Flagstaff Arizona.  Last Thursday I witnessed  a room full of young people, with acoustic guitars, guts, creativity, guts, and voices, guts, share their hearts, and being cheered no matter what the talent level was exhibited.

I admit it.  I’m not that far from the old fart category,  to some yes, to me not yet, but I’m very willing to embrace this if I get to wipe off my shit shelf of judging the next generation when I get the honor and privilege of witnessing them opening in public supporting each other.  I have a finely tuned nose for drugs, alcohol and general stupidity, my b.s. meter sprung a leak from inactivity.

And my amazement indicator broke the upper end of it’s scale.  There is a segment of the young adults on this planet who can unplug long enough to be creative, and support each other. Wow, hello world, HOPE.

We are going to be ok.  Please don’t focus on the dark crap in or out of your life.  Please seek the rays of hope wherever, however, they show up and embrace them.

Oh, and p.s.  I even got up on stage with my band and we played a song.  WHAT  A RUSH!!!!!  Do you need a new drug or healthy distraction between your ears.  Go to an alcohol free open mic, like the one at Sundara Tea House in Flagstaff Arizona on Thursday nights, and share your creativity.

So yes, I’ve been exploring the quiet reality of unplugged life while plugging into a music(my band now has an album for sale(another big joy bomb blasting in my current reality), soon to be on itunes, I’ll send a link as soon as it’s available.

Anyway…

Please be who you really are…

Because It helps me see who I really am..

When we are real together, guess what???

Better chance of not feeling or acting crazy, and maybe even making healthier choices.

Peace,

George

Magical Mystical Morning

And then a day arrives with magic.  On our off shift fall colors happened and past the morning is crisp no mosquitoes buzzing on the walk across the yard to work it was dark last night finally the sun has yet to rise frost to be scraped on windows the steady rattle of diesel trucks warming up a helicopter tied down on the pad misted in the fog blanket surrounding the rock we work on.  Magical mystical morning, good to be alive, good to be actively healing from summer growth season.  Letting go, enjoying the change of season, letting in all the new growth inside.  Letting on.  Letting on the creative spurt of energy I devoted to music.  Two crops, a crop of the past family drama dynamic shifting to a new phase of active letting go, if people chose to be a train wreck in their lives, so be it.  I chose life.  LIFE LIFE LIFE.  Another crop so unexpected, music.  Ripping through me, picked up my guitar again in April, been playing ever sense, already in a band with two live performances, an album ready for the studio, and another concert event already planned.  People love what we play, good energy acoustic, and we do it for Dogs.   Dogs, my first language, preferable my only because I’ve never fully understood human.  Dogs have always rescued me.  This spring I was introduced to dog rescue work, oh my god thank you a new calling.  Dogs are so good at receiving and giving, so much to learn in this new venue in life.

Quite simply, LIFE IS GOOD.  LIVE.

Loving living,

George

Ice Water Amen!

Us Alaska country hicks have strange mannerisms, methods of weight loss, and self induced sanity for curing just about anything, including family visit PTSD.  I’m back, I’m feeling better, and like my real self.  People are starting to circle and dwell a bit in my presence again, which is a good sign that my fangs must have withdrawn a bit, and the horns that sprouted out of my head must be shrinking again.

Plunge!  AAAAAGhh….Yessss.  Ahhh.  That’s pretty much an accurate transcript of the audio track that emerges from my mouth when I plunge my body into water running at about 40 degrees.  Fahrenheit that is.  I’m back at work, recovering from my annual June Family Camping trip, and grateful to be alive.

Last summer my hiking buddy and I discovered how refreshing cold, really cold with ice floating on it at times, water swimming can be.  It’s addictive.  It’s a big hell yeah.  When I plunge into cold water, nothing else is occurring in my body, or mind, but OH GOD!  We climb back out and jump in again.  Eventually we start running laps and diving in again, or hiking across the tundra to the next spring fed Arctic pool of water.  We found one last year we named liquid pain.  It was barely big enough to crouch into but it must of come right out of some permafrost because it actually hurt to be in it.  We haven’t been back to that one yet this year.  For some reason it’s not high on our list.

Yep, I’m crazy.  I visit with my family, take them on camping trips, go crazy, and do crazy things to recover, like go back to work and throw my head in a cold lake every night after shift.  But the results are awesome, I’m sleeping better, letting go of weight, and becoming happy and calm again.  Once again I feel normal.

Childhood bullshit, and mis-identifying myself as a crazy bipolar person is over.

It only took me forty years to figure out, but if you put a calm person in an extremely crazy dysfunctional environment for the first sixteen years of their life, and then lock them up and call them bipolar, not only may they identify with and unconsciously adopt the symptoms, but their whole demeanor and personality can become this way as well, unfortunately this becomes the fate of many people for their entire life.

And yet, if that same person is bound and determined to find a way back to function, sanity, and calmness as a daily way of living, I can now look you in the eye and say, this is now my reality.  I hold hope for anyone, with a strong desire to find their way out of dysfunction, and into the joy stillness of being ones soul, and living one’s purpose from the inside out.  If it was possible for me, I believe it’s possible for anyone, willing and persistent enough to find their way as well.  Your path may not take as many years, because there are people like me which can help guide the willing, and it may not involve arctic ice water plunges, but that’s ok.  Find your plunge, your passions, and your paths to sanity.  IT’s Possible!

George

Family Visit Top Tens

Top Ten I did/do Before

1) Learn how to take care of your body. Walk, eat, and relax.

2) Learn how to take care of your mind.  Sit still 10 min a day. Talk with a true trusted friend or qualified counselor every couple days or more. Engage in positive projects 10 mins or more a day

3) Learn how to take care of your spirit.  What renews your faith in a greater good?   Do it.  Read uplifting literature, connect with positive groups, and practice deep breathing everyday

4) Learn how to swim in stress.  Scrunch toes and release, scrunch base of spine and release, scrunch shoulders and fists, breathe and release, practice this everyday, and every stressful situation you find yourself in until this becomes an automatic habit.  Feel stress-begin releasing

5) Get a life.  Forget about your past, embrace your destiny, Search till you find or continue searching for what makes you giggle grin, and enjoy life no matter what is going on.  Invest as much time and energy into this as you possible can.  Create a daily activity in your life, bigger, and more rewarding, than your problems, and you’ve won.

6) Practice connecting with the physical natural environment, anytime anywhere.  Even if it’s just imagining the dirt beneath the pavement, or exploring the wonder of dark raining clouds.  Or visualizing your favorite weather or animal, and dwelling in the energy as much as you can for renewal.

7) Incorporate these things into an easy daily routine.  Shorten or expand time periods, 1 minute to 10 or even more of these activities on a daily basis, create a life worth living for no matter what

8) Set short and long-term goals, which fill you with hope, walk towards them as gently as you need to with actions, no matter what.  This is hope, accomplishing is great, but more important is hope, actions build hope, and lead to accomplishing, and accomplishing can bring stillness and rest to your soul for overcoming and moving forward in life.

9) Call your real friend right before visit, and set up support calls and breaks during visit.

10) Release all expectation.  I am who I am because of my family, but they may not be interested in who I’ve become or what I can do for them.  It’s important to let this go, and just be a human with family of origin.

Top Ten I do during

1) Set up a successful intro plan; I.e. neutral place, like a park or restaurant.  Preferable at noon or later so the 1^st day is only a half.

2) Know that there will be the initial wave of feelings thoughts and reactions, just quack like a duck, water washing off your back

3) Try not to fix them.  Be the lighthouse not the rescue boat. They are probably more interested in them selves, or exposing your vulnerabilities, ask them question, keep them talking, it’s fun for them, and easier for you

4) Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or take a call.  Before you need to.  Take a five minute break, call or text a friend, breath, play a game, read a book, distract yourself and if possible reconnect with who you really are.  Repeat this as often as possible throughout duration of visit.  THIS IS VITAL

5) Know that you are likely to get pissed off, upset, worried and angry.  Feel it.  Breathe it. Release it.  Apply what you’ve learned about releasing stress in the moment.  This visit is not about you and your dreams; this is about visiting the humans you came from, and maybe discovering a gem or healing, or unexpected connection.

6) If you blow a gasket and get angry, don’t’ worry about it, you are human, practice self-compassion, and know that realness with other humans can be more effective than bottling it up.  We may prefer to be peaceful, but they may feel more connected when you are angry.  When your done, you can always begin again practice peace in your own mind and body, even if they choose to thrive on anger, chaos, the past, and dysfunction, you don’t have to any more, that chapter of your life is over, this is just a visit, which can actually inspire you to become more of who your really are, as you successfully walk thru this, and move on.

7) End your days, by taking a walk, phone call from a real friend, read a really good book, distract your self out of family chaos and story, this really helps to give your mind a rest from all the good work it does while you are around them

8) Begin your day with your regular routine no matter what.  Write in your journal, stretch your body, sit still and relax, connect with positive literature.  Prep for the game, and the family game can go much easier

9) Be active with your family, sitting around can become highly toxic and past orientated, driving, parks, fun activities are a great way to keep energy moving and in the present

10) Set up the end date.  End it.  Leave the situation.

Top Ten I do after

1) CALL YOUR SUPPORT PERSON AND BABBLE

2) Call your support person again and babble to help with the initial waves of PTSD or whatever may have triggered you

3) Get back into your healthy daily routine as soon as possible

4) Spend an hour minimum on your current biggest passion as soon as possible.

5) Breathe, cry, shake, sweat, sit in nature repeat.

6) Spend time with people you feel safe with, minimize if possible people you don’t.

7) Be compassionate with yourself, you’ve just walked thru your past

8) Observe feel watch allow the waves of whatever go thru you, than get up and partake in a positive activity you actually really enjoy.

9) Know that this can take time, hour’s months, days, and years.  No matter.  It can with practice get easier and shorter over time.

10) GO LIVE YOUR LIFE< THIS DAY FORWARD NO MATTER WHAT, your worth it!

peace,

George

Forever Home…

I’m not sure if this blog will have anything to do with those two words, I just like them, and I just discovered them used together.  It turns out there is a whole tribe of people on this planet dedicated to saving dogs.  HOW FRIGGIN COOL IS THAT!???

Ok ok my country hick rural Alaskan boy roots are showing here but really?  Really?  people can make a career out of saving dogs and not have to be super smart vets?  DANG it.  Where were they at the job fair we didn’t have at my don’t blink little town back in the ‘80s???

The good news is this.  It’s real simple.

Are you bipolar?

Excellent.

Do you love dogs?

Excellent.

GO TO BEST FRIENDS ANIMAL SANCTUARY IN Kanab Utah.

This is not a test question or option.  This is a requirement.  Period. NO exceptions.

Forever HOME…

Do you know what this means?

A home that a rescued dog goes to, forever.  Wow.  Let’s just take in the significance of that.  Imagine you are a dog.  Abandoned.  Hungry alone and tired, or locked up in a pound, and ya ain’t pretty, lovable, out going or XYZ enough for a family to fall in love with.  And guess what? The clock is ticking.  Option A) they take you into a room, and you take a permanent nap.

Obtion B) a human comes along and takes you to a sanctuary until a forever family shows up. Or you can live your life well cared for until you cross what they call the rainbow bridge.

If you ever get to a place called Angels Rest, I guarantee, your energy field and perspective of what good humans can do, will forever change.

Ok, I’m going to cry now.  Yes I have a huge heart for dogs.  They were my first language, best buddies, and they are non verbal.  The more time I learn from being bipolar, the more I learn how verbosity is definitely a phase or part of the cycle, but I wouldn’t call it the most productive, serene, or enjoyable.  In wordy times I need to be on constant guard because of social interaction.  Our cultures ability to think, much less act or be completely unaware of the box is limited.  I’m convinced because of my free roaming successful organic bipolar self supporting lifestyle, that even if society were able to some how entice me into a box, I would find it extremely entertaining, and enjoy the opportunity for solitude and serenity.  It is the benefit of allowing oneself to learn how to be successfully bipolar.  How to create solo renewal time, how to dance with people, and not become trauma, drama, or discarded.  It’s tricky, yet it can be successful over time.

Anyway, back to dogs.  THEY GET IT!  They are non verbal, love, and touch.  PERIOD.  They have personality needs wants desires, and are great conversationalists and teachers in the non verbal world.

I salute the mission, of the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary,

“that every dog can find a forever home”

I pray that one day every bipolar person, can succeed dancing in their own mind and life, in a healthy cycle of thriving with their numerous gifts, talents, and awareness.

Homework assignment:

GO HUG A DOG!

Peace

george

Lighthouse Recovery

“Be the lighthouse not the rescue boat”

“Do I wish to dwell in my mental swamp at work, or regain the serenity of my inner light house?”

Two weeks off, I’m in bliss, ignorant again to the wiles of working people, round one.

I’m peaceful.

I go to 6:30 am maintenance meeting.

It appears a sniper is present, delivers a shot to my ego/anger/resentment mind of past issues I attempted to steer the company around and lost.

The wolf pack senses blood and dives in, I feel rage, the meeting ends I mouth off briefly, get back to my office.

disection.

I was peaceful and very high.

I placed myself in a raw trigger happy environment.  with many longstanding energies and issues, my work tribe.

unexpectedly get triggered.

chemical reactions in my brain/ego go off.

unsucessfully defend and redirect, wolf pack pounces.

I extract.

I seek cave/office, have a moment to check in before next situation occurrs.

after a few minutes, I am able to calm down a minute, and realize it was my ego angry easily offended mind that engaged with impossible odds, group dynamics, and long standing issues.  Even though I am the subject matter expert on the technical issue discussed, they were not smart enough to understand, instead they preferred to belittle and attack.

I drop a bit deeper.  Why am I here?

To support my creative endeavors.

I drop a little deeper, I feel some peace.  I focus my energy and breathe on the bottom of my spine.  This is the source of my creativity peace joy and stillness.

I am in a high risk ego fear environment, If I can release being right, if I can release ego, if I can release and allow the chemical process in my body to reverse, I can once again enjoy my day.

If I can calm down, sing my current gig songs to myself, dwell in my future happy space(July Sundara Concert with my music tribe) revert to thoughts before the meeting event, I can recover this day.

If I allow myself to be the lighthouse of calm serenity in this male ego fear wolfpack of strangers.  I can enjoy my day.  If I allow myself to be present and honor every chemical ego reaction in me, not stuff, not deny, but allow and release, I can re-member who I really am.  Can I fix all of the technical design problems with my company’s industrial activities.  Nope.

Can I revert to who I really am, and be a peaceful soul to the younger men/new fathers, and soon to be married men.

Yes.

Can I earn money to fill dog bowls.

Yes.

I feel calmer.

I’m back in my lighthouse.

I’m listening to the waves wash away the rest of the chemicals of anger/frustration/ego/past resentments, in my body.

I look out the window it is a gourgeous day.

I felt vertical hot water and soap on my skin, I slept well, I ate oatmeal, I drank coffee, I’ve had a couple pleasant interactions, I’m remembering my jam session with my guitar last night, I feel the callouses on my fingertips from playing, and holding the guitar pick in my pocket thinking about tonights jam session after work, and remembering the hours I played with my band.

I begin to hear lyrics in my head, as I head out to my next class with egos bating and ready to pounce, maybe I can mellow thru this one.

Be your light,

George

Emotional Trawling

Being able to feel the emotional weight of the world, the hopelessness of humanity, and sift thru the undigested scraps on the bottom of my ocean, is a powerful experience.  The owner’s manual I never received for my amazing extreme octave bipolar brain now includes a set of instructions indicating it’s ok to feel the weight of the world, and this too shall pass.

Wow!  Good info to know.  This too shall pass, no matter what it is.  For years I would let myself absorb emotional or mental hits from internal experience or those I felt connected with in whatever group I was currently interacting with.  But didn’t know how to take care of myself, and allow the experience to let go when it was time.  I would wallow in it for months or years before being able to surface again or an upswing would shoot me thru “normal”, and I’d feel so deprived of being happy and want to be alive again that I would keep on going into an ungrounded vision state before crashing burning, and repeating the cycle.  The unconscious, un-self-regulated, bipolar cycle can be brutal.

Whew!  Yes I’m grateful to live in/with a brain capable of many emotional/spiritual/mental octaves above and below the “normal” human experience, AND, I’m grateful for having personally written a plan in the form of a book, for how to be in these mental emotional states, and how to find my way back to calm when I’m ready and willing.

Today for instance, I’ve had enough of exploring the bottom of my emotional ocean, so as I took the time to write out my morning pages from the Artist Way course I realized, it’s time to pick up the dumbbells in my office and move them around a bit.  I need to put on my hardhat and walk around the yard a little more, drink more water, eat some veggies, and listen to music while I drive to my other worksite, and immerse my self into a work challenge.

I’m so grateful for not having being born into a receptive environment for bipolar, because I’ve been able to learn and share these things first hand.  I no longer am victim drowning in the sea of bipolar disorder; I’m a thriver, organically relishing the full spectrum experience of bipolar.  And if I had a magic wand today, I would get a copy of my book to people like Catherine Zeta Jones, and offer a hug of understanding, it can be so scary not knowing there are options, and yet there are people like myself who have found a way thru, and offer life rings to the willing for creating their own way to relative sanity.

Thank you for being who you are today, exactly as and how you show up.  We all need to be who we are so that the human experience is full and vital.

Hugs,

George

Fishbowl Wiggle

Wiggle more.  Please burn or shred your script (preordained audio output files) today.

The society fishbowl we are in may be bigger than you think.  It has always puzzled me how easily it is to poke thru the invisible seemingly solid societal conformational barriers, and observe how grateful people are for the entertainment, yet unwilling to expose their non conformity and seeming contentment with masks/homogenized distractions (TV)(media)/and role (family/work) scripts.

Nope, not talking about major disruptions. I’m looking at creativity in your day, you’re everyday, is it truly satisfying to live in a rerun, or is it more satisfying to create/observe alternate perspective?

Wonderment/goofiness/warped perspectives, sharing the inner dares, while fulfilling societal role obligations, not causing harm, and providing ones food and shelter is possible.

Example:

As I woke today and was going thru my morning routine of listening in for soul expression, I overheard the TV’s, in co-workers rooms (the walls are thin)(I hope my meditating didn’t affect the TV. vibe too bad).

As I walked across the yard the pink before sunrise on the clouds above the mountains created pause, as I stood and took in the 360-degree mountain valley I work in, the cool fresh metallic after snow air filled my lungs, I’m grateful to be alive.

30 min later, morning shift change, I’m in a room full of people many of which got up and turned on the TV, and hurried across the yard.  Wow!

We both, woke and went to work.  I’m feeling relaxed and connected, the person next to me is upset about some detail from a big fancy wedding that happened somewhere on the planet.  ???

I walk across the yard to my shop to begin the days work, and once again am struck by the majesty of this valley and the sun beginning to work it’s way down the mountains while I hear the crunch of fresh snow beneath my boots, I’ve purged the morning meeting from my day and have relaxed again into the moment.

Two people, same day, same options, different outcomes.

This has always puzzled me, the pull to stay in the societal obligation concern flow, verses experiencing what is happening inside, and in ones local physical environment.

Peace,

George